So today my W asks me if I would be ok moving into her condo if things work out between us, until we figure out where we will buy a house. She apparently doesn't like the house we currently own...
You'll cross that bridge when and if you get there, until then she is just temp checking you. Your response should be neutral, and ignore the moving in together idea. "I bet your condo is nice".
If you do the family hang out, make it at neutral ground, not the old home you shared.
If your W had plans to hang out with you after your son goes to bed she should tell you like an adult. I wouldn't mention your son going to her place either. There's no point in saying that right now.
Originally Posted by jac12
Is she softening? Is her Condo single life not as glamorous as she hoped?
Doubt it. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Originally Posted by jac12
I feel like I need to stay pretty neutral and let her do the talking...don't put too much stock into what she says right now.
That's right, Jack!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
This weekend is her weekend with our Son and it's his bday on Friday. She said maybe we should hang out together on the weekend as a family but she would still go home and sleep in her bed.
Cake eating.
"I want to play wife and mom during the day, single girl at night." Wayward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So today my W asks me if I would be ok moving into her condo if things work out between us
"W, so much would need to happen before I would consider us moving back in together."
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This weekend is her weekend with our Son and it's his bday on Friday. She said maybe we should hang out together on the weekend as a family but she would still go home and sleep in her bed.
"W, I don't have any objections to doing something together in support of S. Please let me know what you have in mind and I'll let you know if it works with my schedule."
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Is she softening?
No, it's far too soon for that. As Steve said, it's just cake-eating. But doing something together for your S will let him know that despite your differences you are still united in support of him.
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Is her Condo single life not as glamorous as she hoped?
Right now she's probably loving it. WAS's embrace their new independent life at first.
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I feel like I need to stay pretty neutral and let her do the talking...don't put too much stock into what she says right now.
I will tread smartly on this one. And definitely before we even consider moving a lot would have to happen first (like MC) and open communication on what went wrong. She's also still not thinking about what's best for our son as his daycare is in my area as is his school. This shows me she's still thinking selfishly and the fog hasn't lifted.
I'll see what she says about this coming weekend and I'll keep this response in my memory: "W, I don't have any objections to doing something together in support of S. Please let me know what you have in mind and I'll let you know if it works with my schedule."
I appreciate the feedback!
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
She wants you thinking that there's a chance, she wants you thinking about living the condo life with her, she wants you hanging by a thread here. Cut the thread, land on your feet, and get running with your own life.
Good luck.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
My W is starting her IC tomorrow night so that's a really good thing.
This was her suggestion for our sons bday weekend:
She comes by after work at 5:30 and we have dinner with our son and maybe whip out to Party City to pick up some bday stuff. After he goes to bed, we hang out for a bit and she stays the night (if that was ok with me). The assumption is that she would stay in the other bedroom.
Saturday morning I go into work for an hour at 9am (I moved a lesson so she could see the counselor tomorrow as it was a last minute cancellation that she was taking) and she'll be with son. When I get home we can go shopping. In the evening we would have dinner and she would stay over again.
Sunday we go to her parents for his bday party.
Now - I do have plans for Saturday night with a friend just to have a drink or two somewhere. I was anticipating that she would be with our son this weekend as it's her weekend with him. I assume I should just tell her that I was anticipating her being with our son so I have plans Saturday night? I can't make it this easy for her as I still have no idea what her intentions are or what the hell has been happening with her for the past two months. At the same time I know her best, and I do feel like if the road back is a little easier she's more likely to want to work at things. But maybe I'm wrong...
I'm finding it difficult to hold my ground although I know I can be steady in her presence and if she stays over I will not be sleeping with her. I won't do that until she tells me she wants to work on our marriage and starts showing that. But maybe I need to be tougher?
Last edited by jac12; 02/20/1902:18 AM.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I think you should stick with your plans Jac. If I were you, I would tell her that you are fine with the bday weekend plans with the exception of Saturday night after dinner as you made plans with a friend assuming your son would be with her all weekend. You don’t need to be “tough”, you just need to not drop everything the second she looks your way. She needs time and space to figure stuff out so give her that. Honestly, if the road is too easy, she won’t feel any urgency to go down it. It’s counterintuitive for sure but it is the right thing IMO. Sounds like you are making some progress so don’t blow it now. Stay the course.
Thank you Deja! I do think there is some small progress being made but at this point we still haven't talked about anything since she moved out and I'm not clear on what she was doing for the past 2 months. I guess this is part of GAL for me and I need to stick to my plans.
I also feel like Sandi would suggest if I stick to my plans she'd respect that more than she would if I was rolling over for her whenever she came back...
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I do think there is some small progress being made but at this point we still haven't talked about anything since she moved out and I'm not clear on what she was doing for the past 2 months.
Lower your expectations, then lower them further, LOL! This really is a marathon.
jac,when progress is made it is the most dangerous time for the LBS. Small steps of progress are proof that what you are doing is working. So you should double down on DBing. GAL, 180s, Detachment (look up self differentiation in marriage). Not to back off of it.
Most of the time progress is what temp-checking and trying to reattach the LBS is confused for. In other words, progress isn't always progress, it is manipulating on the WAS's part.
So don't let your guard down. Keep up the DBing. You will know without a doubt when she si REALLY progressing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
