I’ve been in a really good mood the last few days, all things considered, despite the rainy weather in SoCal and being unsure what W will do.
I’ve been really getting into my classes with my students, and having lots of fun with them, and basically being unafraid to be myself in front of them. I’ve also been opening up more to my colleagues and coworkers, too—trying to be more confident and charismatic.
I am mildly concerned about what W will do next—she has an ‘appointment’ again this afternoon / evening. Hasn’t said what it’s for—she tells me and I’m all ‘okay, sounds good.’ I am concerned that it is for a L, and she’s drawing up the divorce papers.
I also know that in detachment, I shouldn’t be so worried about her or the perceived threat of what she might do. Though I’m expressing concerns, it doesn’t nearly weigh on me as much as it would have earlier, which I hope is a sign of progress.
Originally Posted by LH19
There are a lot of positives about getting divorced. More than most newbies can even imagine.
Saw this on another thread. I go back and forth on this one—I’m concerned about the boys, and about finances, and I’m worried about the religious aspects of it (for me, anyway), but SoTorn has also phrased it as a ‘get out of jail free card,’ and in my lighter moments, I’m inclined to agree with him. All that said, I still know that I have work to do on myself, no matter the outcome with W.
There are a lot of positives about getting divorced. More than most newbies can even imagine.
B,
First and foremost you have to go through adversary to grow. There is no other way around it. If this didn't happen you would have probably slept walked through the rest of your life.
Your boys will be fine as long as you are amicable. Have Christmas and Birthday party's together as a family and show them you can be in the same room together and get along.
Finances may get a little tight but that will motivate you to work harder to make more money. You are a teacher so I am sure you will be fine.
I can speak about religion because I am not religious but what is the worst that can happen you are judged by other people? Who gives a fuch.
You will most likely get into the best shape of your life.
You will enjoy your alone time and rediscover who Bo really is.
You will meet someone you are more compatible with once you dig down and redefine who you really are.
I tell the story how the day after B dropped, I wandered around the neighborhood convinced my life was over. The truth was it was just beginning. Closed a chapter and started a new one and life keeps getting better everyday.
There are some thoughts from LH and AS and other threads that I want to get to, but it’s not happening right now—quick update before I go to sleep, and in the meantime I will be ‘pondering all these things in [my] heart’ like the Blessed Virgin Mary.
Took a break from working out because of stomach flu, and then I had my energy sapped by a cold / respiratory virus that made me exhausted and at times dizzy.
Getting back into it—20 push-ups, 20 butterfly sit-ups after my last class of the day. Nice! Still love how I look shirtless in a pair of jeans, weighed 177 lbs. earlier this afternoon. Will try out the new dress shirts next week—they fit fine, they will go into the rotation next week.
Bit of Valentine’s Day shopping for me and the boys tonight. Notice who I included and who I didn’t. W gets nothing from me this year, except probably my saying “Happy Valentines’ Day.” Says she doesn’t want to be my wife? Says she doesn’t want to be married to me? Says she doesn’t think we’re compatible, and doubts that I ever found her attractive? You get nothing from me—I’m through pursuing or letting her eat cake if I can help it.
Anyway, at the store....a set of jet plane utensils for YS to use (he will be 5 months soon, and they are rated for 6 months plus), so hopefully he will be able to use them relatively soon. For OS, a Cars Minis and Thomas the Train Minis blind bag pack, plus a couple of Hot Wheels cars for he and I to ‘share.’ Also picked up a couple of bottled coffee drinks for me to have this week, and a bottle of Coors Banquet Beer on clearance. Clearance beer! (Or, ‘beerance,’ as I call it.) Clearance beer, because I keep things classy AF. That’s right, ladies—what you have to look forward to in the future once W gets her D decree and I continue to do some work on myself, come and get it! In all seriousness, Happy Valentine’s Day to me and the boys.
My undergrad university has some alumni events that I seriously need to look into doing. Kings game in downtown LA? Hockey? Heck yeah. My GALing has not been all that great—I should look into those things.
And that’s it for now—I’m sure there are other things, but my brain is outta juice.
Bo, glad to hear you are feeling better! The flu has really been hitting hard this year!
Originally Posted by Bo562
Bit of Valentine’s Day shopping for me and the boys tonight. Notice who I included and who I didn’t.
Awesome, that's the spirit!
Quote
W gets nothing from me this year, except probably my saying “Happy Valentines’ Day.” Says she doesn’t want to be my wife? Says she doesn’t want to be married to me? Says she doesn’t think we’re compatible, and doubts that I ever found her attractive? You get nothing from me—I’m through pursuing or letting her eat cake if I can help it.
That sounds pretty bitter, and hey, I get it but try to keep the focus on you and the boys and don't expend too much negative energy on her. Just be your awesome self Enjoy the day!
I still need to make some comments to other posts on the forum and my thread (AS, LH, DV, among others), but I do need a bit of help going forward.
Earlier this week, I emailed my L about what my W has basically threatened to do—that if I don’t agree to her parenting plan (or at least come up with a credible or agreeable [at least to W] alternative that is anything but ‘Bo stays here and W leaves the condo to get her own place and visits the kids’), she has threatened to take her kids and get another place, and then I’ll be stuck by myself. What I do realize is that her previous threat of a court order to evict me has not been mentioned in some time, so perhaps she is backing down from that, or realizes it’s not a serious option, or both.
My question is: What kind of proposal should I go for?
I know AS mentioned earlier that I’m basically between a rock and a hard place (yup), but I’m really not up for any potential cake-eating that bird-nesting could bring. I will still maintain that if she is really unhappy, that she should be the one to leave. I will be taking her proposal to my LMFT appt on Monday, and we will talk about it, and I’ll follow-up call the L’s office during my lunch period today to follow-up with her.
In the meantime, I would like to ask the forum here, because I don’t want to go last minute with LMFT, or risk L not calling me back in time to discuss with her: What are my options, if any? I want to look at my options and then figure out what I could live with. Please and thank you!
Have a blessed and enjoyable Valentine’s Day, whatever y’all do, and thank you!
If I were you, I would just propose a reasonable option of WW moving out (since she is the one who wants out) and then establishing a 50/50 parenting schedule once she is settled. That is what most people do when both parents want equal involvement. The court ordered eviction is a non-issue, I think. I just have not heard of that before unless the spouse is abusive and there is a restraining order. I'm not a lawyer but it would seem to me that if that is a viable option, more people would do it. I think the important thing for you is to not get caught up in your w's timeline. It is not a legal timeline...it is just hers. I would just ignore the threats if I were you but make sure you write them down so your lawyer is fully aware of what she is saying. Sorry you are having to deal with this Bo. (((HUGS)))
1) Go along with the bird-nesting (I think this is a no-go based on what you've said)
2) You move out and let her stay there (I think you know we all advise against this)
3) You stay and tell her if she really wants out that bad then she needs to make arrangements herself, that you are against breaking up the M but if that is her choice you will not try to stop her.
I think 3 is really the only option you're interested in, correct? If so then prepare for her to threaten to steal the kids again. If she does then you might disclose you have a lawyer and have discussed your parental rights with him and that he has informed you that she has no right to take the kids without your permission and if she attempts to you WILL take swift legal action. I think it may be time to let her know you're not messing around here. Edit to add- I would also stress you're not accepting anything less than 50-50 custody, I think you said you were OK with that? Put her on notice that you'll fight if she proposes anything less.
Earlier this week, I emailed my L about what my W has basically threatened to do—that if I don’t agree to her parenting plan (or at least come up with a credible or agreeable [at least to W] alternative that is anything but ‘Bo stays here and W leaves the condo to get her own place and visits the kids’), she has threatened to take her kids and get another place, and then I’ll be stuck by myself. What I do realize is that her previous threat of a court order to evict me has not been mentioned in some time, so perhaps she is backing down from that, or realizes it’s not a serious option, or both.
My question is: What kind of proposal should I go for?
Bo your W seems keen on making threats to try and get what she wants. If my W threatened to have me "evicted" from my own house, I would probably actually chuckle or smirk a little and look at her as if to say "Really? Not happening". I might calmly say "Don't threaten me." I would do this from a position of confidence because I already know my rights from having consulted with my L.
The threat to take the kids, in my view, is a serious escalation even though it is probably nothing more than a threat. If my W threw this BS at me, I would document it in an email or text that clearly re-states the threat and like AS says advise her I will take immediate legal action if she tries to pull that BS move.
I have a good buddy who went through D a few years back, and he is a no-BS kind of guy, even more so than me. His W threw out the same threats about taking the kids and he immediately pulled the trigger on his L going and getting some type of emergency custody order based on her threat. I am pretty sure it happened lightening fast. His W was shell-shocked and I think that was the end of her making threats, LOL. This might be overkill in your sitch and I'm not saying do it, I'm just saying.
It sounds like you don't want to move out and don't want to bird-nest, so I wouldn't agree to either. Absent some bad extenuating circumstances you are probably entitled to 50/50 custody (hopefully your L has weighed in on this already) so agree to nothing less. Get what you want out of a bad sitch. Once I met with my L (very early after BD) and ran through all the scenarios that might occur and learned my rights and what a judge would probably do, I was ready for anything W would throw at me. The result is that despite being a soon-to-be LBS, I am negotiating from a position of strength. W cannot get me out of the house before D is final. She can't even get me out of the MBR. I am almost certainly going to get 50/50 custody. She is going to have to get her parents to write me a huge check to buy me out of the house and furniture when the end comes. All of this makes me feel good in the midst of a bad sitch.
If your W wants to S or D, you can't stop her, but you can control the some of the terms based on your legal rights. Her desires do not transcend your rights. Right now it seems like your immediate issues at hand can be summed up in two sentences - "I am not moving out. Nothing less than 50/50 custody is acceptable."
Keep soaking up the vets' input here, they are AMAZING. Hang in there buddy.
I have things to respond to in my threads (thanks AS, DV, LH, Gekko!), but right now I have this quote from our school’s morning announcements to offer (and I’m trying to keep this in the front of my mind, too):
“When it rains, look for rainbows; when it’s dark, look for stars.”
Falling behind on my posts—would like to catch up tonight, unless sleep hits me.
Potential GAL (maybe?): Our school’s wellness committee has a running club that meets 3 times weekly (Tues., Thurs., Fri.). Something for me to look into.
Background: I ran track 4 years in high school—but wasn’t anything really special. I do love running (the runner’s high is definitely real, at least for me), but running hasn’t exactly loved me back. My concern is injury / hurting myself—I’ve strained my calf running before, I have asthma (which is controlled, but still a thing), and I don’t want to aggravate a sore back that has been really quiet of late. Riding the stationary bike at school or at the condo’s exercise room is okay enough, but the thing about the running club is SOCIAL—just being with others, and adding some structure / accountability.
Valentine’s Day was good enough—focused on self and the boys, which is how it should be at this point.
I’ll probably get killed for this, but I’m just feeling the pangs of loneliness for attention / affection / physical touch. I know that ship has sailed with W (at least for the time being, perhaps permanently, to be determined), and I’m nowhere near close to being ready for someone else anyway. It just hurts right now, you know? The word ‘pangs’ I feel is fitting—a cry from within, that is not exactly permanent, but it’s been arising every now and then (at least it’s not chronic, which I guess is good).
I’ll take the 2x4s I probably deserve, but it’s just where I’m at, and I’d rather journal it out here than try to bring it to W or someone else. Hopefully a good night / weekend of sleep will help (it usually does—it usually improves my mental state).
Enjoy the day!