Well the W just cannot seem to control herself with pretty much daily criticisms and multiple jabs at me. I am continuing to maintain my cool but I have to say I am feeling almost totally over the sitch and am really starting to want out pretty bad. I honestly don't even think I like her let alone love her at this point. Is this a part of the process that the vets have seen/experienced?
Yes it's normal to think you are done, but don't expect it to stay that way. Recovery is like driving over a series of hills, there are peaks and valleys. When you hit a new peak you think you're done and have moved on but guess what, you're not out of the hills yet and there's a valley dead ahead. Be patient, don't act on these feelings (IE, file for S or D yourself) until you stabilize.
Thanks AS. I'm trying to stay as cool and even-keeled on the outside as possible. I won't be filing. W has emailed me some mediator suggestions to review. I told her that I want to come to as many terms with her as possible before we engage a mediator and start spending money.
W seems to want a loosey-goosey flexible agreement regarding custody that doesn't have a lot of terms, but I have a divorce L friend that says we should have a detailed agreement that includes all kinds of things like travel restrictions, extracurricular activities, healthcare decisions, how long before we can have the kids can meet boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. etc. L friend says you have no idea what W may decide she wants after D and in the years ahead so get it all in writing up front and you can always be flexible with it. L friend sent me an example agreement and it is very detailed, which I think I like. More to follow as we progress down this path.....
daily criticisms and multiple jabs at me. ... constant micro-management and control by W.
Any examples of interactions you would like to share so we can give alternative behavior for you to try in similar future encounters?
Well a lot of it would probably require that you be a fly on the wall and hear the tone, but here are a few recent examples of the little jabs and controlling behavior:
W was complaining to me about her sister constantly texting her regarding every detail of planning a girls weekend trip:
Me: "I get it. But she's not working and doesn't have much else going on, so that's why she is blowing up your phone with every detail."
W: (sarcastically and almost sneering) "No shyt"
Me: (shake my head and frown)
W: "Well c'mon, I know she's not working!"
Me: "Look I'm just trying to have a conversation with you, and you're not joking around and you know it. Why do you feel the need to be disrespectful? There's no need for it and I don't appreciate it." (walked out of room) _____________________
W: "Did you drop off S(7) medical form at the school office this morning?'
Me: "Yes"
W: "They need to have it on file before next week's field trip"
Me: "Right"
W: "So you turned it in?"
Me: (staring at her silently)
W: "I just need to make sure you turned it in"
Me: "I just told you about 10 seconds ago that I did"
This behavior of asking me 2-3 times if I have done something after I already answered, which is an all the time occurrence, is unbelievably irritating and in my view really condescending. ___________________
W: "I'm sure you didn't notice but there is dirt by the patio door, I am going to go sweep it up"
Me: "I didn't notice"
W: "That's no surprise"
Me: "Thank you, that was nice"
W: "Well c'mon, there is dirt all over the floor"
Me: "I haven't been over there. I didn't notice" (walk away) ______________________
I know this stuff sounds minor but it is death by 1,000 papercuts at this point.
Sometimes women and people in general ask several times, a detached person just responds in the affirmative each time. Don't let her get you worked up. She may not realize she's doing it, she may be doing it to piss you off. Neither means you should get worked up over it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
My biggest DBing issue continues to be "warming up" more around the W. I am still too cool in my view. A bit too businesslike. It's hard to get myself back to the personality I had when the R was good - I have it with everyone else except around the W. It seems most guys need to drop the nice guy stuff, while I need to drop the frosty stuff.
If it makes you feel any better—with a WAS, it won’t really matter which personality you express.
In one breath, W would slam me for ‘fake kindness,’ and then in the next she would tell me that I’m engaging in lawyer-speak, and that I’m not sharing my feelings enough—she wanted to know how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking about all this.
Thanks guys, it's interesting the W is the one who actually does the mindreading in our house, she says I have been sullen and stomping around angry for years when i have/am actually feeling neither. She has always had a penchant for over-dramatization and being negative - glass half empty mentality -so i guess i'm not surprised that she is portraying me this way in her mind.
I have always been able to get her to laugh pretty easily with observational comedy one-liners so i am going to focus more on dealing more of those out and lightening the mood a bit. I have also been very busy with work over the past few weeks and will be massively busy with GAL stuff over the next several weeks, so not a lot of facetime happening with W, which has actually felt great to have the break and space.
it's interesting the W is the one who actually does the mindreading in our house, she says I have been sullen and stomping around angry for years when i have/am actually feeling neither. She has always had a penchant for over-dramatization and being negative - glass half empty mentality -so i guess i'm not surprised that she is portraying me this way in her mind.
Gekko,
This is my sitch right now, too.
W claims that I’m sad or angry or whatever recently, when I have displayed very little (if any) of each to her. Probably not a common sentiment or development, tbh.
W was complaining to me about her sister constantly texting her regarding every detail of planning a girls weekend trip:
Me: "I get it. But she's not working and doesn't have much else going on, so that's why she is blowing up your phone with every detail."
H:"That has to be frustrating."
Give longer details: [quote]W: "Did you drop off S(7) medical form at the school office this morning?'
Me: "Yes"
"Yes, I gave it to Ms Soandso at the front desk. She said she would get it to the appropriate person"
Ignore the dig, Appreciate her:
Quote
W: "I'm sure you didn't notice but there is dirt by the patio door, I am going to go sweep it up"
H:"Thank you. I appreciate how nice you keep things looking."
Take the trash out with being asked. Don't expect anything in return.
I just stumbled onto this thread by mistake, I am an LBS from MLC boards old timer and I just wanted to say, Ready2Change, that your post REALLY helped me tonight. I try to do do these things but even after 6 years as an LBS, I get confused, and your simple and kind replies are a perfect model, thank you!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
