jac,when progress is made it is the most dangerous time for the LBS. Small steps of progress are proof that what you are doing is working. So you should double down on DBing. GAL, 180s, Detachment (look up self differentiation in marriage). Not to back off of it.
Most of the time progress is what temp-checking and trying to reattach the LBS is confused for. In other words, progress isn't always progress, it is manipulating on the WAS's part.
So don't let your guard down. Keep up the DBing. You will know without a doubt when she si REALLY progressing.
I'm following you Steve, thanks. I'll keep my plans for Saturday and will stay the course.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
[quote=Steve85]jac,when progress is made it is the most dangerous time for the LBS. Small steps of progress are proof that what you are doing is working. So you should double down on DBing. GAL, 180s, Detachment (look up self differentiation in marriage). Not to back off of it.
Most of the time progress is what temp-checking and trying to reattach the LBS is confused for. In other words, progress isn't always progress, it is manipulating on the WAS's part.
So don't let your guard down. Keep up the DBing. You will know without a doubt when she si REALLY progressing.
You guys are so right...tonight when I came home we discussed the plan for Friday (sons bday) and she said she was going to go back to her condo to sleep and if it was ok our son would stay with me even though it's her wknd with him. She's nervous b/c the first night he stayed there he didn't sleep well. She did say if I wanted to we could hang out for a bit in the evening. Then she plans on coming back early in the AM bc I have to go into work for a bit. It makes most sense if he stays with her Friday night.
What's the best way to answer this? I don't feel there is any point in us hanging out unless she's the one asking.
She did have her first counselling session last night and she said: "I feel like she understands me and I think it'll help". She went from telling me Wednesday night that she would maybe stay here Friday night to telling me today she would go back home to sleep. Not sure what happened - all I know is I got my expectations too high. I didn't think I did until she told me tonight she would go home to sleep and I felt pretty bummed (even though I didn't really want her to stay here as it's awkward).
Bottom line - I let my guard down a bit Steve and now I feel upset.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Jac12, sorry man. I know it is hard, but try to have no expectations. In fact, when she first said she'd sleep over you could have shortcut it with "I don't think that's a good idea."
Also I'd seriously consider telling her your son needs to go home with her Friday night.
"He needs to learn what it will be like to have two homes. Plus I have to get up early to go to work. "
However, if you are even slightly doing this to manipulate her, then just let it go. Never use your son as a pawn in this game. I know you know that already but I just want you to be honest about your motivations.
Hang in there man. It will get better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve - I knew this was going to be difficult but it's so easy to backslide a little bit.
You're right about the expectations. I keep trying to figure out what she's thinking and I don't even think she knows what she's thinking.
I was planning on telling her our son should go home with her for that exact reason - if this is going to be the way it is he needs to get used to it. But I also want him in my home as much as possible in the event that this goes to D.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Yes mind-reading is never productive. You're right, she is probably not even sure what she is thinking herself! Many WWs come out of it months or years later and look back and think "WHAT WAS I THINKING!!"
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What's the best way to answer this? I don't feel there is any point in us hanging out unless she's the one asking.
It's up to you whether you want to let her hang out there or not but remember what we're telling you about lowering your expectations. It doesn't mean anything. It's just some cake-eating- she wants her new single life but she wants a little of the old family life too (when it suits her). You have to detach and GAL and try not to get pulled in every time she looks your way. Your goal is to be busy with your own life and when she reaches out to you then maybe you have time for her or maybe you don't.
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She did have her first counselling session last night and she said: "I feel like she understands me and I think it'll help". She went from telling me Wednesday night that she would maybe stay here Friday night to telling me today she would go back home to sleep.
Again, lower your expectations. I lot of LBS's think "oh good she's getting counseling so now everything will be fixed!" No, it never helps the M at all. The problem is counselors are really just there to comfort, soothe, and validate their patients. They tell their patients what they want to hear. So her counselor may very well have suggested she not spend the night at your house and that's why she's not now. Her counselor is on HER side, not yours, and not the marriage's.
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Bottom line - I let my guard down a bit Steve and now I feel upset.
It happens/ happened to all of us. It's one thing to read stuff here, but it's another to live it. We tend not to listen to or follow all the advice right away, but slowly we learn why the advice is what it is and why it works. It's a learning process, don't beat yourself up for not being a model DB'er from the beginning. None of us were!
I'd just take the little man for the night if she doesn't want to and sound excited about it. Take him out and go have fun, or if he's too young order a pizza and watch a movie together. Be super dad, have some time together.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you Another/Steve...I'll DB'ing as best I can and make sure my little guy is getting the attention he deserves. He just turned 2 today so it's a lot of fun playing with him.
Sadly, he can also feel what's going on so he's been a little more needy than normal and he's clinging to his stuffed animal Sloth so that's a little disheartening to see.
As you said, one way or another, it will get better.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I'd just take the little man for the night if she doesn't want to and sound excited about it. Take him out and go have fun, or if he's too young order a pizza and watch a movie together. Be super dad, have some time together.
This^^^
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So we had our sons bday tonight. My W came over after work and we had a nice dinner that I cooked. She complimented me on the taste and we generally had a nice evening.
She also told me a little about what she talked about with her therapist - the 3 big things being 1) Us 2) Her dad's brain cancer and 3) her sexual assault in high school. She thinks the therapist understands her and that it will help. She also discussed a little about the possibility of postpartum depression but thinks they'll get into that more next session..
Near the end of the evening I asked her where I could be better as a partner. Her response was that I was too rigid and then had a small laugh together (she's right and it's something I'm working on). I validated her comments as best I could and made a point to stop what I was doing and look at her whenever we were talking.
She said 2 interesting things:
1) Upon arriving I asked if she'd like a drink. Poured her glass of wine and she said she felt relaxed...oddly relaxed.
2) She mentioned she was watching a Netflix series on "The Art of Tidying Up" (she knows she's a bit messy) and she mentioned that if she moved back in she needed to be better at that.
All in all it was a nice enough evening...some small improvements I think but I won't put too much stock into it and I'll keep on doing my thing.
I did tell her that if she needed to talk about anything she could talk to me with no judgment, just listening.
Lastly, she's been out for 3 weeks and she mentioned it felt like it was way longer than that. Not sure how to take that - or I guess the answer is don't take it for anything
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
