Still in limbo

[Ready2Change]

I just ordered and received the book The 5 Love Languaes. I’m hoping to learn more about that topic from the book. I love him dearly but prior to BD he wasn’t filing my love tank and I obviously wasn’t filling his.

Good book. In my book list, there is one labelled Woman become assertive and one labelled deep personal growth that I strongly recommend for you.

[Living]

I just ordered and received the book The 5 Love Languaes. I’m hoping to learn more about that topic from the book. I love him dearly but prior to BD he wasn’t filing my love tank and I obviously wasn’t filling his.

Good book. In my book list, there is one labelled Woman become assertive and one labelled deep personal growth that I strongly recommend for you.

Thank you for the recommendations, I be sure to check those out. I see a lot of reading in my future.

[Living]

Journaling,

Dear God I still struggle with believing this is my life.

V-day was nice, I accepted my H offer to go to dinner. We had a good time but..:

I’m still angry with him. I’m angry that we are in this situation. So I told him I can’t do this roller coaster ride anymore. It’s exhaustjng.

So I’ve been keeping to myself more since V-day. All this has done is confuse him. He has no clue what’s going on with me. He11 he has my emotions up and down just like his.

Of course he’s been in pursuit but not as much as usual. Of course he’s tried a few temp checks but it seems he may be trying to truly let me go. After all, that’s what I asked him to do.

Truth is I think this DB stuff may be a lot easier when your spouse has moved out. It [censored] when you still live under the same roof.

Although I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster, it makes me sad that we are going to get used to Moynihan loving on each other and will become like two ships passing in the night.

I miss my old h, the one that was hear before the aliens came and traded him for this imposter.

I just want to grab him and tell him how much I love him. But I know that won’t do anything. So again, I’ve been keeping my distance from him.

I know he’s in the middle of a MLC but can anyone tell me how to get over your spouse when you still love them so much?

Editing to add: I sure wish it was easy for me to be done with him as it is for him to be done with me.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Living,

so you told your husband that you can't do the roller coaster anymore, but how do you plan to make this real and show him that you mean what you say?

DB stuff isn't the easiest no matter what, it's your emotional attachment that suffers the most when you are still living together.

The way you get over a spouse you love is to move on. To not see or talk to them. Hard to do when you aren't ready to be done.

[Bo562]

Living,

I hear you about the ‘two ships passing in the night.’ That’s where I feel W and I are right now, and part of me is sad that it’s like this.

The distance is to protect YOU; but yes, this is really hard, as W and I are still under the same roof for the time being.

Be strong. You will not just survive, but thrive, in the long run.

[Living]

Hi Living,

so you told your husband that you can't do the roller coaster anymore, but how do you plan to make this real and show him that you mean what you say?

My sitch is difficult because we aren’t in a position to sell our house at the moment. It’s in the middle of renovations that will take some time. Plus we just bought it a year ago. Not an ideal sitch to be in.

H refuses to leave, says it doesn’t make financial sense and I can’t force him to leave.

So what I’m going to do in the meantime until we can move on in the way of a D is work my a@& off to finish these projects we have in this house.

I’m also going to work on finally dropping the rope. I’ll admit it’s hard and I haven’t been good at this DB stuff. I just wish I could stop holding out hope that he will come around. It [censored] to love someone so much who doesn’t want to be with you.

[quote] DB stuff isn't the easiest no matter what, it's your emotional attachment that suffers the most when you are still living together.

That’s true but for now we live together. So I guess I need to try to put as much space between us as I can. I’ve already started this.

The way you get over a spouse you love is to move on. To not see or talk to them. Hard to do when you aren't ready to be done.

Yep this is very hard but even harder when you still live with them.

[Living]

Living,

I hear you about the ‘two ships passing in the night.’ That’s where I feel W and I are right now, and part of me is sad that it’s like this.

It is sad and I’m sorry you’re going through this as well.

[quote] The distance is to protect YOU; but yes, this is really hard, as W and I are still under the same roof for the time being.

Yes being under the same roof makes it insane. For us we have to remain under the same roof for some time. Trust me it’s not the ideal situation as I’m sure you agree.

I just have to do better with keeping my distance from him. I’m proud of how I do behave though when he’s in my presence. I act as if I’m happily living life.

Be strong. You will not just survive, but thrive, in the long run.

Thank you, you so the same. I wouldn’t wish what we are experiencing on my worst enemy. Thanks for the encouragement.

[IHCLACS]

I'm in the same exact boat where I have a bunch of unfinished projects around the house and we also we want to put the house on the market and get it sold and move on with our lives it really is hard to emotionally detach when you're still living under the same roof. My wife is already in pursuit, or at least in research mode of her new life and what she wants to do with herself. Whether it's a WAW fantasy or she's really getting ready and staging for her new life, I finally I am just starting to hit the detachment phase after 6 months. We have only been officially separated for the last three or four weeks. Put in those weeks you can really sense the distance. . My wife has said the same thing to me verbatim about finding herself she needs space tired of the emotional rollercoaster, etc etc. We've had some really good talks about moving forward, but as a guy this limbo land stuff really [censored]. I kind of have absolute thinking I wanted either one way or the other either to be completely done, or start piecing, and working together again. It's difficult for me to GAL because money is so tight that I'm living off of credit cards right now. I'm not fully detached this but I'm getting to that point where acceptance of starting to finally kick in of current reality. I'm starting to finally understand why women take their emotional space and attachment to gain Clarity on whether a person is good for them or not consider from all angles because Love sometimes just isn't enough. By doing this, they are examining a person's values their beliefs their way of thinking their flaws their habits. I've done some damage to my marriage over the last 10 years, only the question realize it's going through this what I can change about myself, she's just starting to come around to what she can change through therapy, what she's on the full speed Ahead train to her new life. That's fine I have to honor and accept it, but I don't have to like it. what kills me is the life she wants now for herself is a life that I wanted 6 months to a year ago. She wasn't willing to consider. But that's timing I guess? I don't want to be my wife's friend but on the same token I kind of do. It's not that I'm asking for table scraps, I know I deserve more, it's that I feel as a friend however there is still some whatever level of respect there. I did reclaim the master bedroom, after a month of living in the guest room. I think it's psychologically screwed her up and screwed up her plans to push me into the basement when she was the one asking for the space. however because I acknowledge her with a card on Valentine's Day I think it set off something in her, that I acknowledge her the way she wanted to be a acknowledged for the last couple of years. if there's one thing that took me awhile to understand is the attachment process. 4 guys going through this please understand don't be cold and don't be a hard-ass. Pull back set up emotional boundaries for yourself stick to your guns say what you mean and mean what you say. but be gentle and friendly just try not to emotionally invest yourself into a relationship if they don't want it. But still be friendly and go out and make yourself happy by all means necessary. my wife wants to currently go find herself and live a whole different life separated from me not only to benefit herself with the ga

Clarity which I understand now but I didn't understand 3 or 4 months ago. Try to be peaceful meditate pray, read, etc, I'm taking amphetamines now for my so-called ADHD and I'll tell you one thing it's definitely making me a little bit more Peaceable. I wish I did this 10 years ago when I marriage first started we wouldn't have had all the ups and downs financially and career-wise as well as old unfinished stuff in my life. I have a lot of guilt of bring to the table that I'm letting go of and I'm working on. everyone is right try not to initiate relationship talks unless the person that is leaving comes to you first. Slowly day by day you will become okay with yourself and the situation. everyone on here said it time and time again and I know it's so difficult when you're emotionally attached let's try try try try to detach as fast as possible you will stand taller for it. you will slowly become the person that you were meant to be, you will slowly start to step out of your comfort zone, and you will slowly change your thinking with the potentiality of becoming more attractive whether it's for them or for someone else down the road. Try to be okay with this, and in a healthy manner deal with emotions that come up periodically. the sad thing about me is I'm really really good at giving advice and supporting people but I'm horrible at following my own sometimes but that's getting better by the day. I've inspired my wife to create a picture Board of things she wants out of life and she was currently doing it last night. sometimes I'm very proud of her and other times it upsets me, because even though I inspired it doesn't involve me. I think that she's doing a lot of the psychological work but I don't think but I don't think she's doing any of the spiritual work which is where I am difference. I really look forward to listening and emphasizing with all of you and listening to your stories as we are all going through the same things for different reasons. I love you all. if anyone here needs to talk with similar circumstances I'm here for them, Sandy is here Steve is here as well as many others I'm getting familiar with.

[IHCLACS]

Here is a good question for the spouse that is wanting to leave I thought of this morning. Are they running towards something or someone or are they running away from something or someone? The sooner you can assess this accurately the sooner you know how final the inevitable outcome will be.

[Living]

I'm in the same exact boat where I have a bunch of unfinished projects around the house and we also we want to put the house on the market and get it sold and move on with our lives it really is hard to emotionally detach when you're still living under the same roof. My wife is already in pursuit, or at least in research mode of her new life and what she wants to do with herself. Whether it's a WAW fantasy or she's really getting ready and staging for her new life, I finally I am just starting to hit the detachment phase after 6 months. We have only been officially separated for the last three or four weeks. Put in those weeks you can really sense the distance. . My wife has said the same thing to me verbatim about finding herself she needs space tired of the emotional rollercoaster, etc etc. We've had some really good talks about moving forward, but as a guy this limbo land stuff really [censored]. I kind of have absolute thinking I wanted either one way or the other either to be completely done, or start piecing, and working together again. It's difficult for me to GAL because money is so tight that I'm living off of credit cards right now. I'm not fully detached this but I'm getting to that point where acceptance of starting to finally kick in of current reality. I'm starting to finally understand why women take their emotional space and attachment to gain Clarity on whether a person is good for them or not consider from all angles because Love sometimes just isn't enough. By doing this, they are examining a person's values their beliefs their way of thinking their flaws their habits. I've done some damage to my marriage over the last 10 years, only the question realize it's going through this what I can change about myself, she's just starting to come around to what she can change through therapy, what she's on the full speed Ahead train to her new life. That's fine I have to honor and accept it, but I don't have to like it. what kills me is the life she wants now for herself is a life that I wanted 6 months to a year ago. She wasn't willing to consider. But that's timing I guess? I don't want to be my wife's friend but on the same token I kind of do. It's not that I'm asking for table scraps, I know I deserve more, it's that I feel as a friend however there is still some whatever level of respect there. I did reclaim the master bedroom, after a month of living in the guest room. I think it's psychologically screwed her up and screwed up her plans to push me into the basement when she was the one asking for the space. however because I acknowledge her with a card on Valentine's Day I think it set off something in her, that I acknowledge her the way she wanted to be a acknowledged for the last couple of years. if there's one thing that took me awhile to understand is the attachment process. 4 guys going through this please understand don't be cold and don't be a hard-ass. Pull back set up emotional boundaries for yourself stick to your guns say what you mean and mean what you say. but be gentle and friendly just try not to emotionally invest yourself into a relationship if they don't want it. But still be friendly and go out and make yourself happy by all means necessary. my wife wants to currently go find herself and live a whole different life separated from me not only to benefit herself with the ga

Clarity which I understand now but I didn't understand 3 or 4 months ago. Try to be peaceful meditate pray, read, etc, I'm taking amphetamines now for my so-called ADHD and I'll tell you one thing it's definitely making me a little bit more Peaceable. I wish I did this 10 years ago when I marriage first started we wouldn't have had all the ups and downs financially and career-wise as well as old unfinished stuff in my life. I have a lot of guilt of bring to the table that I'm letting go of and I'm working on. everyone is right try not to initiate relationship talks unless the person that is leaving comes to you first. Slowly day by day you will become okay with yourself and the situation. everyone on here said it time and time again and I know it's so difficult when you're emotionally attached let's try try try try to detach as fast as possible you will stand taller for it. you will slowly become the person that you were meant to be, you will slowly start to step out of your comfort zone, and you will slowly change your thinking with the potentiality of becoming more attractive whether it's for them or for someone else down the road. Try to be okay with this, and in a healthy manner deal with emotions that come up periodically. the sad thing about me is I'm really really good at giving advice and supporting people but I'm horrible at following my own sometimes but that's getting better by the day. I've inspired my wife to create a picture Board of things she wants out of life and she was currently doing it last night. sometimes I'm very proud of her and other times it upsets me, because even though I inspired it doesn't involve me. I think that she's doing a lot of the psychological work but I don't think but I don't think she's doing any of the spiritual work which is where I am difference. I really look forward to listening and emphasizing with all of you and listening to your stories as we are all going through the same things for different reasons. I love you all. if anyone here needs to talk with similar circumstances I'm here for them, Sandy is here Steve is here as well as many others I'm getting familiar with.

Thank you for all of this. It is definitely a journey. I truly appreciate everyone on this forum. I’m trying to accept there will be good days and bad days. My H will be leaving next week for his guys trip and sadly I’m looking forward to it. It will be nice to have a break from seeing him everyday.

I understand that I need to lovingly detach. That’s the part I struggle with the most. I am angry so I’m afraid that in my detaching I’m also showing anger. That’s why I’m hoping this break from each other will help me. Some days I swear I just want to smack the crap out of him.

The other day he admitted that he still cries more than I know about what he’s done to me and what’s going on. So I’m assuming the depression is still there. He’s going to therapy but not frequently enough for me to feel that the tips the therapist is offering him is working. I could be wrong, who knows.

When I went away for the weekend (that’s upthread) he was angry. He totally lost it. Couldn’t handle that I wasn’t coming home. So he told me that I couldn’t handle the truth about what has happened to us. He told me that I wasn’t the woman for him and I wasn’t the wife he needed. He even once again try to justify his affair because of course I’m such a horrible wife. I’m not the woman for him, I’m not the wife for him, we aren’t sexually compatible, I don’t satisfy his sexual desires and needs, blah blah blah. Yet he says all this but still tries to pursue sex with me. Lol! It’s nuts I tell you.

The way he re-writes history is crazy to me. However, I’ve decided that I have to learn to stop taking it personal. After all, I know he isn’t being truthful so I need to stop letting these things upset me. He’s hurt and confused and just says anything at this point.

I thought I was going crazy...I was like have we been in the same M for almost 12 years? Because how could it take him 13 years to figure out that I’m not the W of woman for him. I started to question my own sanity. Like was I imagining all the happy times? Now after reading about the act of re-writing history, I now know I’m not losing my mind, at least not about that. Lol.