I think its great you're looking at the differences in you and M's circumstances and doing your best not to let comments make you resentful. Most people cant, or just wont, see the perspective of another and that really can cause conflict.
I'm not in the exact same position as either of you but I can empathize with both feelings as I experience swings in both directions occasionally. Typically I have my kids for 4 nights a week, whole weekend and Thursday/Friday night, so most of my life is kids, work and school. Then occasionally there are times I don't see them for 4 or 5 days in a row or even longer if I have the rare work trip, and its then when I can have a difficult time coping with the distance. Point being, I'm usually fine with either scenario and look for the positives but there are times I really need a break from them and then others I really miss them.
The negatives of each scenario can such, one being totally stressed out and needing some space and the other more a deep depression/sadness. That being said if I had to choose between either extreme feeling I would choose the stress every time.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thank you, things are going well. And I think it really is important to realize we all have different struggles unique to our own ditches. And being a divorced parent has a lot of extra caveats and emotions.
D11 said something that struck me yesterday. She’s nosy and looks at my texts. She said she noticed M always says good morning and goodnight and asks how my day is going. She said that’s so very sweet of him. I told her yes it is, and I do the same with him, that’s how couples should treat each other. She agreed with that. I am happy to have a chance to show her what a reciprocal and kind relationship looks like and I’m glad my guy knows how to treat others, especially his woman.
D11 said something that struck me yesterday. She’s nosy and looks at my texts.
Are you kidding me?????? What in the heck is any 11 year old doing reading their parents text messages? It should be the other way around! What if she saw something she really should not see - and I'm not even talking sexts or such, I'm talking boundaries Ginger. I know you have a wise beyond her years child but she is STILL A CHILD - a child badly in need of more boundaries - especially the way you say she's been acting lately. Her snooping on her mother needs to stop Ginger - it really does.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
My rule of thumb is to never say anything in a text you wouldn't want read if the messages were subpoenaed.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I watch what I text. I have quite firm boundaries and she would be in lots of trouble if she ever opened my phone and went through my texts. But she does look over my shoulder. So we keep it generally clean.
You do need to set a boundary w/your daughter about your privacy, i.e., phone. She shouldn't be looking over your shoulder at what you are receiving and/or texting. The only time she should be looking at your phone is if you have something that you want to show her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with what everyone else before me said about boundaries. I do think that you have set some boundaries for your daughter, but this privacy one needs to be a hard, reinforced boundary. Not only for your sake, but for hers. She's getting older and hitting those dreaded teenage years and while you, as the parent, have every right to "snoop" on her, she would not be overly excited for you to be reading her texts over her shoulder, so she needs to learn now that is inappropriate for any reason. As for messages coming up on the lock screen, she shouldn't be reading those either, whether she is looking over your shoulder or picking up your phone when you aren't looking and reading them. That is way too much into your adult, private business.
Having said all that, though, I get where you are coming from. My daughters were all very nosy about their dad's phone and would just randomly pick it up and go through it and he would let them because his thing was that he "had nothing to hide". I tried repeatedly to explain to him that it wasn't about having something to hide, but that it was a respect thing. Of course, despite the fact that the girls went through his phone whenever they d@mn well felt like it, he got mad and actually yelled at me one time because he was in his "man cave" doing something on his computer and he got a text on his phone which he'd left in the living room, so I picked it up and walked down the hall to hand it to him and he lost his sh!t, accusing me of reading his texts and invading his privacy. Uh what????? First of all, I didn't even look at the screen, just heard the sound of the incoming text and picked it up and walked it straight to him and second of all, how is me picking up your phone invading your privacy when your girls sitting right in front of your face reading every text you sent and received NOT invading your privacy? On the other hand, they never did that with mine so I don't know if it was just that he never set/reinforced that boundary or what. They were the same way with their mom's phone...would read hers whenever, until one of them saw sexts between her and her man (whom they all hated at that time) and then they promptly stopped reading hers.
My best friend also has the same issue with his daughter who is now almost 20 years old. She will just randomly pick up his phone and go through it. He told me one time that I shouldn't send him any naked pics because she would see them. LOL Not that I planned on sending him any but I did appreciate the heads up. I told him that wasn't good that she had complete access to his phone like that, but he just kind of shrugged it off like what could he do about it. Uh, set boundaries!
You are such a great mom and have a lovely daughter. You are so doing SO SO many things right by her and she is going to be a well-adjusted productive adult, thanks mainly to your influence. You have shown her how to be strong and how to work for what you want. So, it's ok to have some very hard, strict boundaries and to enforce them. Just remind her that her time is coming when you'll be reading over her shoulder.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
