I did feel bad about it at the time however looking back I am glad I did it for me. I have no regrets. My daughters got to see me move her and I will always be able to tell them I did everything I could and always treated their mom with respect.
When I confronted my xw about telling her BF I told her I was disappointed since this is not what we discussed. She downplayed it, said she introduced him as her friend, and that they were more interested in his dog. I did get it off my chest although I was not sure what I was looking for in a response from her. Did it make me feel better telling her I was disappointed? I guess but at the end of the day it didn't change anything. Now if they do something together she just doesn't tell me her BF was with them like on Valentine's Day.
Remember NGS is more about doing something nice and expecting something in return. This might be more about a boundary but I have no idea how you would enforce it. At the end of the day your stbxw is going to do what she is going to do and when she has your kids there is not much you can do about it.
I did say something to my x as I was disappointed but at the end of the day I dont think it really changed anything. If it helps give you confidence with expressing yourself then go for it. I do understand that.
I definitely understand standing tall and doing things that you wanted to do and be a good example for your daughters.
I did tell exW I was disappointed, but I am way more than disappointed. I am upset. She went against what we had agreed upon - she was the one who had brought it up TWICE to make sure we were on the same page months ago. So for her to now do this and me not holding her feet to the fire is just weak sauce. I don't intend to talk to her with anger. I can get myself emotionally grounded quite well now.
The crux of the issue is - we agreed to a standard of behavior that respects the feelings and thoughts of the other person when it comes to the kids, and treat it with prime importance. She has called me out on that, correctly. Even though my intention wasn't to not take her into account, my actions made her feel as the lesser parent. I put myself in her shoes and acknowledged that and gave her a heartfelt apology, and made sure that my future actions reflected that I met the standard. So, this is me holding her to the same standard she expects out of me - it's not vindictive, but both parties have to act in a way that ensures that other parent is the first priority when it comes to the kids.
You're right about the boundary. They have to be enforceable. I just need to get a clearer picture of what's going on to see if it's worth my time to meet this person. If they are around my kids, I most definitely want to put a face to the name and him also knowing who he's dealing with.
I can't stop her from introducing someone in the kids lives and how often they hang out - I am not trying to do that. I know I can't control that. But, we need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting and this issue falls under that.
I also need her to know that I am not conflict-averse and that I will not shy away from difficult conversations. I will not have important conversations over text/email - that's weak sauce. She did that and I know because she can't handle conflict. I can have a civilized conversation and express my thoughts and feelings without emotions bubbling over.
As I am committed to my own learning and growth as a person, this is one of the most important things for me to be able to do - not be conflict averse, manage my emotions, give the other person a wider berth and not automatically assume they acted out of malice, and be direct about my thoughts and feelings. As much as I can say that I am better at that, I need to walk the talk at all times. This is me showing up for myself more than anything. I will not slink away in a corner. I am a f#$%king Alpha.
Maika, I know this all hurts, very sorry you're going through it. Unfortunately she is going to date, and you've got to find a way to be at peace with that. There's nothing more uncomfortable than imagining some OM is trying to replace you as dad and husband in your "family". I think this is where a lot of your anger and frustration is coming from, because if you look at the list of your complaints there's not a single one that's a surprise or inconsistent with how a WAW behaves:
- She doesn't consider your feelings - She doesn't acknowledge agreements/ boundaries - She doesn't comply with your "standards" - She lies/ misinforms/ dodges - She puts her own wants and needs before yours - She doesn't comply with your "schedule" (real or imagined) for signing the D paperwork
^^That stuff is completely consistent with how she has behaved since BD (like almost every other WAW). So why is it an issue to you now? That's what you've got to get to the bottom of. I think that's a good idea to cancel the meeting with OM and give yourself some time to process this. Talk to your IC about it too.
As an aside, no OM will ever replace you as dad to your kids. They might see him as a friendly uncle or "mom's friend" or whatever, but you will always be their dad.
This too shall pass, dig down and find that strength that we all know you have. You can handle this!
AS - you're completely right, and that list is bang-on. She is still consistently acting like this.
I am pretty secure in my relationship with the kids and I don't think I am worried about being replaced. I am upset about her going against standards for parenting, when she has easily pointed that out in the past. I am just doing the same to ensure that she understands that I am not just going to take it lying down.
I don't think it's necessarily going to change any of her behaviors, and what you have listed, but I need to be able to address it with her. I can't let her keep disrespecting me, especially when it comes to parenting stuff.
Shouldn't I be standing up for myself here? I am open to thoughts.
M....I think expressing how you feel is perfectly acceptable if done in an non emotional manner. With that said, at the end of the day, there is absolutely nothing you can do about the decisions your wife makes. You will never be replaced as your kids father. As you know kids have no filter and mine have never one time mentioned anything about mommies bf and how much fun they had with him or anything of that nature. He is never mentioned.
Do some of your feelings stem from your thoughts of inadequacy? Your comments about being physically discarded by your wife and now your emotional requests are discarded as well?
Yeah I know that I can't do anything about the decisions she makes. My aim is to have a calm straight forward conversation with her about us both meeting the expectations that we have set for communications around the kids. I think I am feeling this way because I don't feel respected in her actions as the father of the kids. I can't control who and when she introduces the kids too, but a simple heads-up like we had agreed to is not too much to ask for. She would expect the same from me, and has called me out when I haven't considered her in some minor actions.
When it comes to the kids, she needs to walk the talk as well.
You can let her know how you feel just don't do it with the expectation that she will change. I dont think my xw did it making the conscious choice to disrespect me. She did it because she was wrapped up in her own emotional word. Just dont assume it is all about you and her purposely trying to stick it to the man.
You're totally right J. I am not assuming she did this to stick it to me, but she's wrapped up in her own world. I just need to let her know that this shouldn't happen again and we both need to be more vigilant when it comes to the kids and the needs of the other parent.
I agree......but it made you feel disrespected which is more about you than her. I still think that touches on some past wounds for you that have still not healed.
I agree......but it made you feel disrespected which is more about you than her. I still think that touches on some past wounds for you that have still not healed.
