Shouldn't I be standing up for myself here? I am open to thoughts.
I don't really see how she has disrespected you, I mean above and beyond dating someone while still being married to you which is obviously disrespect but you can't control that. Do you mean because she introduced OM to the kids without informing you first? You can't control that either. She did tell you afterwards though, and she even agreed to let you meet OM which honestly blows my mind. I don't think many WAW's would be OK with that.
Hmmmm J - you bring up a valid point. Should I have not felt disrespected that we agreed on something and she didn't honor it - especially when it comes to the kids? Even if it wasn't her intent to disrespect me, but I feel that way. I am honestly curious because I want improve my emotional health.
AS - I believe she thinks that I should meet someone who might be a regular feature in the lives of our kids. I can understand that and I would probably give her the opportunity for an introduction as well if I was dating someone seriously. I think she also has a fantasy that we'll all get along and it was be some happy weird blended family situation. Her first message about this stated that I would probably like him and get along with him. I think his ex and her new partner hang out with him together.
I am not trying to blow things out of proportion, and I see that this is truly par for the course. What I am stuck at is her going against something we agreed upon, when she has had no issue bringing that up in the past.
Your wife does not strike me as the type of person to blatantly disrespect you unless she has done stuff you have not written about. I dont see a pattern that exists as it does with many other members on the board. As with mine your wife has appeared to keep to herself.
I told mine I was disappointed as it was not what we agreed upon and I acknowledged that as their mom I trust that you would not bring just anyone into our girls lives. She then started to talk about him to me and I stopped her. I politely informed her that I did not want to discuss or know anything about him unless it has to do with my girls. She has respected my wishes.
You feel how you feel M. I felt more hurt and disappointed because my xw did not have a large pattern of disrespect as other guys on the board have seen. Just think of everything she could have done to make your life difficult when she first moved out.
Say something if you wish, if it helps you gain confidence with addressing future issues, however looking back now it is really not as big of a deal as I thought it was.
I agree that it was crappy of her to break the explicit agreement that both of you had put in place about introducing BFs/GFs. You two had talked it out and agreed to ground rules which she then ignored at the first opportunity. That said, it can't really be a boundary because you have no means of enforcing it. You can't control whom she introduces the kids to or what she does with the kids (obviously within legal limits, if there is abuse or a dangerous situation that is another matter) during her time. If you can't control it, you have to let it go. Letting it affect you emotionally and mentally is giving it undue power.
It seems like you feel that you have been fair to her and held up your end of the bargain. Great! You should. But you should do that because it is the right thing to do. If she fails to live up to her end of the bargain it is on her. Don't take on what isn't yours. Meeting with her in person to explain how you see things sounds like perfectly fair and reasonable step. Just don't expect her to change. Zero expectations. Similarly my W seemingly can't acknowledge that she walked out on our MR. I told her that's how I saw it, but it certainly didn't convince her because it isn't the reality she is living in. That's okay because I went in with zero expectations and full awareness that I can't change her, only she can do that. Same with your ex. Express how you feel about the situation so that she knows and can change her behavior if she chooses. But don't expect that.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Man, this board is just the best! Thanks for talking me off the ledge. I needed more perspective on this. When you're in it, it's so hard to step outside of it.
J - good questions and giving me a chance to reflect on emotionally why I felt disrespected. I believe it goes back to feeling that you are a valued person, and no one can give you that value but yourself. It has to come from within. So, I need to spend more time building that self-value up. My exW has been very much like yours - keeping to herself and not really done some bat$hit crazy stuff that we've seen on this board. So I guess I should be grateful at the very least.
D - love the zero expectations perspective. That was so needed for me to think of this potential meeting and how I should approach it. I think I have a good idea of how to go about these things now.
It's nice to see that even if you reach DB ninja levels, you still need more improvement. I am grateful to have gotten more perspective on this.
I dont think this is about disrespect from your wife. Like she purposely did this to get to you, to piss you off, etc. Hell she could be all over social media flaunting him, flaunting him in front of mutual friends, etc. So much more she could have done if she really wanted to be disrespectful. I believe she is sensitive to your feelings but not so much put yours ahead of how she is feeling emotionally. The excitement she feels of being with a new man, that rush.
You are accurate a truly self confident man, that is fully aware of his value wouldnt give a [censored]. Dont sweat it M.....I was in there either when it happened to me.
Yeah I think that assessment is accurate about her not being as sensitive to my feelings and putting it ahead of hers on how she is feeling about having a new relationship. I can see that no doubt.
So, I think my feelings of disrespect are just stemming from my own battle with self-value and doesn't have anything to do with her. Still going to have a chat about following through on our agreements and making sure that the other parent isn't secondary to issues that affect the kids. That's the best you can do in this situation - everything else is outside of my control. I like how you phrased it to your exW that you trust and rely on her that she wouldn't bring someone in the kids lives that was terrible. I think you are far too generous in that, and we've seen some of the crazy stuff that the ex's have pulled here. But, I think it's a good way to proceed when there isn't that blatant disrespect. I'll probably use a version of that statement and approach it from a wider perspective than automatically assuming that her intent was to stick it to me.
Oh man! I feel so relieved and grateful at the same time. I need to take care of myself a little better
Well we do have to trust them and I will extend that trust to her until she gives me a reason not to. I would hope she would extend the same to me when my daughters finally meet a girl I am dating. It works both ways.
haha!!! Nef - if I could adopt you and have you with me 24/7, I totally would You're the best. Never forget that. The genuine heart that you have is priceless. Abrazitos hermano! Espero que todo is bien contigo y la vida es llena de alegria.
