Adam, you've described my feelings to a tee. It's not a potential PA that hurts the most, it's that she couldn't confide in her best friend and husband about her feelings until it was too late in her mind to try anything.
I know confronting him will do no good.
I'm trying to GAL and exercise has been helping. Last night I worked out with my younger brother and felt good, which was the first time I'd felt "good" for weeks.
To help me detach, I've written a list of all the ways my W's actions have hurt me since the BD. Reading it makes me angry. Is this healthy?
Guys, how strong should I remain on my position for her to move out?
I've told her she has some time to find a place, but didn't specify by which date she needed to be out.
I think the longer she stays home the more she'll eat cake. I do think moving out will be a rude awakening for her, but I mainly want her to move out because of the betrayal which she still doesn't admit to - or is her being in the spare bedroom ok?
Ultimately you want her out of the house. Unfortunately you can't legally kick her out. So if she is willing to go then I would stick with asking her to leave.
In house separation rarely works and it is has been described as being "soul sucking" for the LBS.
You can bet your bottom dollar if she remains home she will eat cake. The question is are you strong enough to not spoon feed it to her?
I think so, LH, though my preference is still for her to move out. She seems to be looking at places, though I know it does take time to find something affordable where we live.
Today I asked her for her keys back to the car. I have a nice company car and don't want her using it to go see OM. She is borrowing one of her parents' cars now for work. No resistance.
She went to the phone store today to move her plan onto her own account as well. She texted me to ask me what I thought of this new plan she was looking at, but I didn't respond.
I think a big part of her eating cake is her parents staying with us. Her mum, retired, cooks most nights so there's always food. I've spent the past few nights eating out with friends or with my family.
I'll give it a few more days and report back on the sitch.
Tbh I still have my moments, especially when I'm alone in our room by myself. I'm trying only to come home to sleep so I don't stew in my thoughts.
Exercising with my brother has been helpful. I will continue doing that.
I also had a trip planned away with 3 of my closest mates for a week in mid-March. Up until now I didn't think I'd want to go anymore, but I think that would be helpful.
Most of my family/close friends want me to move on. I had a feeling they would hold this view. I still haven't made up my mind. I think time is on my side here. She's had a year to develop her feelings toward our MR. I've had 4 weeks. So will take some more time.
Question.
W's best friend and her maid of honour at our wedding texted me today to tell me she was in shock and happy to speak if I wanted to. I know the W told her about our sitch a couple of days ago.
I don't know if I should. Part of me wants to find out if the W had spoken to her about any of this in the past, or even if she mentioned the tickets she booked. But I also know whatever I discuss with W's best friend will most likely make it back to her. I very much doubt the W admitted to having an A as the reason for our separation.
W's best friend and her maid of honour at our wedding texted me today to tell me she was in shock and happy to speak if I wanted to. I know the W told her about our sitch a couple of days ago.
No. No. No. That would be a really bad idea. Whatever you said would go back to your W.
The quickest way to turn this around is your W has to feel that she may lose you.
Ok noted, will not talk to best friend. I had a feeling it wouldn't be smart.
I think all of my actions and interactions with the W since confronting her about her "friend" would indicate to her that she may lose me.
Going through the separation of finances, asking her to find her own place, not spending any time in the same room as her, should be a pretty clear indication.
Thanks again for the advice not to engage with her best friend.
Going through the separation of finances, asking her to find her own place, not spending any time in the same room as her, should be a pretty clear indication.
I went back to your first post and you indicated you did all the wrong things. I assume you mean beg and plead? You see after that she knows you a clearly cemented as her plan B option. She does not fear losing you right now.
Not blaming you everyone does it. When this is all over you will clearly learn that the only answer to I want a D/breakup is "Do you need help packing your bags?"
