The last two responses to AS and I were great posts. I think you understand what you need to do, you just need to do it. There are a lot of changes to be made so don't overwhelm yourself. Like Confucius said " the journey of a 1,000 miles starts with one step".
Join the running club and see how it goes. Do it at your pace. (Running helped me more then anything besides my friends and family going through a D). But I love the idea of you getting back into martial arts eventually. That is something different that will set you apart from other people.
Again I am not religious, but I will never understand how having an open, healthy, exciting sex life can be frowned upon? I hope you are able to work your way through it.
I think you are heading in the right direction just please remember to put actions to your words.
Bo, I do like the advice you got from your IC, sounds like good stuff and very much in line with DB'ing.
I think I may have said this in your thread already but my ex and I agreed to a weekly split on custody. We both understood a week was a long time to go without seeing them so we also agreed to include verbiage in the decree stating that either parent could take the kids one evening during the "off" week to go to dinner or whatever. In actuality the kids had so many school activities that we were both going to that neither of us hardly ever went a week without seeing them even without using the extra day. Now two of my kids are grown and moved out and the other is still doing the weekly split. So we did it for, 7 years or so? I still think it was the best way to go. Handoffs were on Sundays so could be handled leisurely and ex and I would discuss upcoming homework/ projects/ events on the handoffs and coordinate kids' needs. I marked my work calendar so I could tell at a glance what weeks I had the kids so that I could plan work trips for weeks I didn't have them.
My brother did a 2-3-2 split and hated it. The kids were living out of suitcases and there was constant confusion over when handoffs were and homework frequently got missed too. Both of his kids ended up dropping out of high school, of course there were a number of reasons for that but their schedule certainly did not help things.
Originally Posted by Bo562
I also talked about swimming or picking up marital arts again
Hahaha! I know that's a typo but I think we could ALL do with some training in "marital arts"
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I would say the last year or two there hasn’t been too too much in terms of attention / affection between W and I. Some of that is on me, I will admit. I’ve got to be honest, though—W being gone for work for overnights, or for a few days, a week or two, a month, or even 3 months (which has happened, and most likely will again), really does not help with sex / physical affection, tbh.
Of course! Welcome to marriage. We get married, we have kids, we develop our careers and get super busy. I wasn't suggesting you were at fault for a lack of intimacy/ touching and such, just saying that it disappears from most marriages after a few years, and as such you're now missing something you weren't really getting anyway.
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I know you and / or others have mentioned this, and I just need to internalize this and move on, but I need to be content with waiting. I need to trust that all this (sex / affection / attention) will be back again some day—either in new-and-improved R with W, or with someone else IN TIME.
Your feelings are what they are, and it's fine to express them. I definitely don't suggest internalizing them! By all means vent about it.
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I really like what you wrote about your GF being part of the ‘elaborate tapestry’ that is your life, and is not your whole life. That sounds remarkably healthy, is beautifully phrased, and would be something that I’d like to strive for. Stop the codependency on my part. Find someone in time who will complement me; in the meantime, I need to make myself and my life so amazing (like I would tell my students ‘be your awesome, amazing selves’), that hopefully someone will want to ride along with me and share that journey.
Thank you and yes, that's the spirit!
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What I do have that I need to focus on?
2 wonderful children who need their Daddy. A great, relatively stable job that I’m very good at, and that there are students who need me to be a good role model to them, to love and serve them, and that there are students who look up to me and adore me.
What would I like to achieve within my power?
Growing emotionally stronger (the forum has helped, even if I don’t always sound like it; and seeing the LMFT will hopefully help too); getting in better shape (like I said, I love how I look and I’m really proud of my body for the first time in a very long time—this weekend I hit my target weight of 175 lbs.); becoming more financially self-sufficient / stable (I know a potential D can really blow this up, but there are things I can do to put myself in somewhat better shape, and I can set goals for the future)
Great focus and goals! Maybe copy these into your phone and when you start feeling lost just check them again to remind yourself where you are headed
Again I am not religious, but I will never understand how having an open, healthy, exciting sex life can be frowned upon? I hope you are able to work your way through it.
YES. I have typed, deleted, retyped and deleted so many comments on this subject in this thread and others. I'm torn between saying what I think about this and concerned that I may be imposing my own beliefs on others. But what the heck it's just my opinion and people can take it or leave it. I used to be very religious. I attended services in several Christian denominations (Catholic, Baptist, Methodist). I was a moderator on a large Christian forum. I read the Bible cover-to-cover and read most of it many times, especially the New Testament. BD made me do some really hardcore soul-searching and now I would say I'm more "spiritual" than religious. It's hard to describe but if any of you are familiar with the ontological argument (that roughly says if we can all agree that God is a perfect and pure entity full of love with no malice or anger and hatred then logically he must exist) that's how I view God. Would a pure and loving God care whether some piece of paper says we are married, or would he just want us to love each other unconditionally? Would he frown on me and my girlfriend loving each other and having an active sex life while not being married, but approve of my coworker and his wife who have been married 40 years and can't hardly stand to be in the same room, and have sex once or twice a year if they are drunk enough? Those are questions for each of us to decide, but I will say that since letting go of my traditional religious views I enjoy life so much more now, and without guilt.
The last two responses to AS and I were great posts. I think you understand what you need to do, you just need to do it. There are a lot of changes to be made so don't overwhelm yourself. Like Confucius said " the journey of a 1,000 miles starts with one step".
Join the running club and see how it goes. Do it at your pace. (Running helped me more then anything besides my friends and family going through a D). But I love the idea of you getting back into martial arts eventually. That is something different that will set you apart from other people.
Again I am not religious, but I will never understand how having an open, healthy, exciting sex life can be frowned upon? I hope you are able to work your way through it.
I think you are heading in the right direction just please remember to put actions to your words.
Thanks, LH—I appreciate it. I guess last night was a moment of clarity for me.
And you’re right—I just need to get out and do it. I do understand that there are a lot of changes to make, but I also want to balance that against the realization that there is good raw material to start with—that I don’t want to get so down on myself thinking that the prior me was THAT awful.
I have had the tendency in the past to take on a lot at once—bite off more than I can chew, and I effectively choke on it. I take on too much, get overwhelmed pretty quickly, throw my hands up and say ‘F this’ and move on. As a former professor in grad school said: “It’s a cinch by the inch; it’s hard by the yard.” And of course, the classic: “How do you eat an elephant? A bite at a time.” Both of these I have told to my students at various points.
Got an email back from running club coordinator, so I’ll be on the email list going forward. And my students absolutely LOVE when I would talk about my doing martial arts in undergrad—that want to know the story, see moves (a number I still remember thanks to muscle memory).
I appreciate the affirmation about being in the right direction. At the end of the day, I need to put actions to words. This is something W has wanted me to change—sometimes follow-through is difficult. I would lose focus, get overwhelmed, or straight up ignore it for whatever reason. But I also know that I have accomplished a good amount in my life (and even in our MR), and that these changes have occurred OVER TIME. So, patience.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I'm torn between saying what I think about this and concerned that I may be imposing my own beliefs on others. But what the heck it's just my opinion and people can take it or leave it.
I’ll comment about the religion and sex point here. First of all, you can say whatever you want on my thread—to be truthful, it takes a lot to truly offend me when it comes to religion, unless it is straight-up intentional mockery of the Catholic faith (I won’t stand for that from anyone). So, in this respect, I give a lot of rope, because it’s a deeply personal topic, but also because there is so much misinformation (‘fake news’?) about what Catholics believe (and just not about sex, but about just about everything, really). I do this for a living—I present church teachings about a wide variety of topics (#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion), and I’ve had to deal with skepticism from hundreds of students over the last 5 years—not to mention questions, skepticism and sometimes downright disbelief from friends, family, and yes, even W. In other words, I’m rather used to it, and I’ve heard a whole lot, so it’s okay. You’re safe here.
I do believe that for Catholics (and while also could be extended out to other faiths and people of faith in general, but I’ll only speak to Catholic beliefs here since it’s my personal tradition, but also my area of expertise personally and professionally), it IS POSSIBLE to have a healthy sex life while being faithful to the teachings of the church.
What I often tell my students is that a lot of the church’s teachings are teaching for a reason—the Church has thousands of years of the study of human nature and personal lived experience (but also science too) to understand why a number of things can be construed as morally wrong (artificial birth control, cohabitation before marriage, etc.) What I also tell my students is to trust in God’s mercy no matter what.
However, the being faithful to church teaching part would potentially require personal prayer, a relatively healthy spirituality, relative personal maturity and self-awareness, and I also believe a community of other believers (either localized, or supported from broader society in general). Culture does matter, I believe—no man / woman is an island.
A healthy, faithful sexuality, for Catholics, means a fully-integrated person. Pope St. John Paul II wrote about this in his Theology of the Body. Are we perfect? Heck no. Can we work at it? Absolutely! Also, trust in God’s mercy and grace.
I would say that this is a misconception for others (including even a strong number of Catholics), because the Church should more effectively witness to it’s teachings in the broader world. In some respects, we should teach it better and more effectively. Also, seeing couples and individuals who live it faithfully and vibrantly are the best witnesses—books help, but lived experience is better. I would also add that while some of this is on the Church, some of this misconception is on the individual. What the Church teaches is difficult at times—so some people choose to disregard it for any number of reasons—a lot of times, because it’s easier and more pleasurable to do what you want or what feels good.
1st day with the new dress shirts. Totally love how I look.
One class commented about a new color (black; with gray pants, a gray / purple / blue / black checkered tie)—I have not worn a black dress shirt that I like with regularity before, and figured I’d try something new. Tomorrow is red.
Running Club normally meets on Tuesdays; however, because of a faculty in-service, there would be no session.
After today’s meeting, there was a staff ‘happy hour,’ so I went, had a couple of snacks, a cup of Merlot, chatted with a colleague in the science department, and then headed out—because I went for a run, anyway—around campus and around the school’s track. Ran for about 16 minutes. Felt pretty good—just need to stick with it.
Just think about you worrying about injuries. Ever consider swimming? The local Y usually has decent pool rates. If I get injured I usually switch to swimming while I wait to heal. I also have been doing hot yoga for a month now. It's great, and you should look into it.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I did post something about swimming in an earlier post. Our school has a pool that I’ve been told in the past I can use. I should double-check on that to verify.
I’ve heard great things about hot yoga—I’m a sports fan, so I’ve heard of athletes doing hot yoga to especially help with strength and flexibility.
Why I’ve been so gung-ho on the bike is I am worried about high-impact workouts and the potential for injuries—either immediate, or cumulative down the line. Like I said—I love running, but it doesn’t always love me back.
Martial arts is relatively low-impact, too—unless I break something breaking a board, or hit someone wrong or someone hits me wrong.
W made a comment over the weekend about a Y in our area having their pool opened again. I heard it but didn’t comment—figured I’d file it away for later.
When this is all over you will clearly learn that the only answer to I want a D/breakup is "Do you need help packing your bags?"
Saw this on another post but importing it here.
Admittedly this would have been good to know at the beginning—but who knows when that is, and few handle this well initially, so I get it.
In the event that W continues to talk about how she will file and this that and the other, I should probably just say that. Probably couldn’t make things worse.
I did post something about swimming in an earlier post. Our school has a pool that I’ve been told in the past I can use. I should double-check on that to verify.
I’ve heard great things about hot yoga—I’m a sports fan, so I’ve heard of athletes doing hot yoga to especially help with strength and flexibility.
Why I’ve been so gung-ho on the bike is I am worried about high-impact workouts and the potential for injuries—either immediate, or cumulative down the line. Like I said—I love running, but it doesn’t always love me back.
Martial arts is relatively low-impact, too—unless I break something breaking a board, or hit someone wrong or someone hits me wrong.
W made a comment over the weekend about a Y in our area having their pool opened again. I heard it but didn’t comment—figured I’d file it away for later.
I boxed in HS, and did judo and BJJ in college. I don't know if I would call martial arts low impact. I stopped doing martial arts because of all the chronic injuries I kept getting. BJJ was the worse, I was in awesome shape when I did it, but it still tore me up.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Soon after I posted about checking the status of the school pool earlier this afternoon, I saw one of our Asst. AD’s around, and I asked him about access to the pool.
He said that it should be free in the mornings for the next week or so (probably until the 1st full week of March)—then it gets busy for Girls’ water polo (I believe). He also said I can check with security about being able to be let in (my faculty key wouldn’t be enough to get in). He also said I can email him to get a copy of the pool availability schedule, so I could carve out time when I wouldn’t be fighting a team for access. I asked one of my students (a female swimmer) if it is heated—she said yes, for competitions.
Running Club meets tomorrow—have my track bag packed full of goodness, ready to go.
Our school sponsors at least one international trip each year—on our video announcements this AM, I saw an ad for a trip to Spain. I asked around to see who to contact, and I emailed a colleague about chaperoning the trip—which is about a year from now, in 2020. (I would imagine that whatever happens between W and I would hopefully be resolved by then, one way or another.) My colleague appreciated my interest, but said she does not have a chaperone opening yet—her department gets priority, and a number of people are already interested. However, after school, when I was meeting with a student to ask her questions in advance of writing her a letter of recommendation, my colleague in charge of the Spain trip came by my classroom and talked to me briefly in person—once again thanking me for my interest. I told her that I understood and that I get it, but she and I both agreed that if something changed on her end and an opening came up, I would be interested and I would love it if she could keep me in mind. Spain would be very interesting—I’ve been to France and Germany, but it was almost 15 years ago.
L Update: I’ve been attempting to get in touch with L for the last week-and-a-half to ask her some questions and give her some updates on my sitch. I finally broke through with her legal assistant today, and essentially L wants me to put her on retainer so I can have easier access to her (I kinda figured that would end up being the case). The good news? Her original retainer quote for me was $5K, but her legal assistant in her email to me this afternoon said that the retainer can be set at $1500, and we can go from there, and if I’m interested, she can send over the retainer agreement. I emailed back tonight and said that sounds good, please send over the paperwork and I can get that started. L is not cheap—her rate is $500 / hour, but at this point she probably anticipates mostly emails, and a phone call every now and then—I get the impression that she thinks things won’t get too heated anytime soon, and I hopefully won’t need anything too heavy or intensive from her anytime soon. (Of course I could be proven wrong! And sooner than I’d like on this one!) But I’d say this is a good start, and hopefully this can give me some peace of mind, in the event that W starts ratcheting things up in the near future.
