Boundaries are for you and not for her. Read the boundary link. Its confusing when you think they are for your WW. They are not. A boundary is something you set for yourself to protect yourself.
You are very very early in your sitch. Detaching just means stop talking to her. Read the link about detaching and follow the instructions. Detaching is not to punish WW. Detaching is you protecting your emotional health. For example, you keep pursuing and remaining emotionally invested in your WW.
Because of this, you dwell on your past behaviors and hers and whenever you talk you try to convince her she is wrong and you are right. This causes her to retreat further and double down on the waywardness. All of that in turn hurts you worse.
Back off. Stop talking to her. A boundary would be like "I will not talk to you if you are being mean or hateful to me" and enforce it.
Seriously. Detach. Do not initiate conversation with her. When she asks questions respond with yes or no or be very vague.
Go join the gym. Plan your days. Keep yourself away from WW as much as possible. Take your kids out for a dads only dinner. Find things to do.
If you find yourself yearning for a talk with her, stop yourself.
Another major issue you are having is dwelling on the past. You cannot change the past. There is absolutely nothing yiu can do about yesterday. Focus on the right now.
One day at a time. Set minor goals for yourself. A couple of my minor goals that I set every day are to make my bed, clean my room and to dress nicely. Larger goals are to go to the gym and eat healthy.
One thing at a time. If you find yourself on the receiving end of one of WWs conversations where she complains about you, just validate. Validate validate validate.
If you start to get mad or upset that means you had too much interaction with her. The key is to keep the interaction under the threshold where you start to get emotional. Because if you start to get emotional the next step is reaction and since you are in a bad place you will react and act based on emotion.
This will just make things worse and will make you tumble further into the abyss of hurt.
Remove your emotions from your interactions with her. Every tine you are going to do absolutely anything ask yourself "is this going to benefit me and make me happy?" Then ask yourself, "what perception will this create for my kids?"
Focus on one goal at a time. If your goal is to detach, only focus on that. You will spin in circles trying to do everything all at once.
I focused on detaching which removed me from the hurt and then i focused on my 180s and then focused on GAL.
GAL goes with detaching to some extent. You got this man. Its going to suck for a very long time. I am six months from ILYBIMILWY and four months from confirmation of my WWs affair.
I detached and GAL like a madman. I feel great even though my divorce is looming and crap keeps coming up at work.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
So we usually do things as a family still. My children have ninja class on Tuesdays. She and I usually go running at the recreation center while that is happening. The whole time to and from ninja class and rec center, she was talking to me about her work and such. I stayed engaged and repeated things. Is that ok still? Just trying to figure out detachment and how to do things as a family still.
Honestly I would stop doing things with her. She is cake eating. She has friend zoned you. Thats my opinion.
The more you stay around her, the harder it is to detach. So the longer you keep doing things with her and acting like her BFF, the longer you will stay hurt. You will notice that you are detaching correctly because you will feel better emotionally.
Remember, detaching is for your emotional well being. If your WW starts to ask why you are detaching, just tell her you are focusing on yourself. She will notice and she will either fill the void left with hate or with temp checks.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
So I usually cook dinner and such. How can I do this for the kids but not her. I just want to make sure I am not being cold towards her. I want to detach and such. But what if she is really having a MLC and not WW and I am too tough on her. They are similar based on Sandi's description but it appears to be WW but not sure. I don't want to do something that would back fire and then lose her for good. I have ordered both books but won't be here until Sunday. I have been reading everything but still confused on boundaries and such without placing ultimatums or such on them.
Honestly I would stop doing things with her. She is cake eating. She has friend zoned you. Thats my opinion.
The more you stay around her, the harder it is to detach. So the longer you keep doing things with her and acting like her BFF, the longer you will stay hurt. You will notice that you are detaching correctly because you will feel better emotionally.
Remember, detaching is for your emotional well being. If your WW starts to ask why you are detaching, just tell her you are focusing on yourself. She will notice and she will either fill the void left with hate or with temp checks.
is it good or bad if she fills the void with hate and/or temp checks?
Also, she would usually ask me things like to get her medicine at the store or stop by the grocery to pick something up that is just for her. How can I say it nicely like, I can't or won't do that for her. If it is for the kids, I would but when I know it is for her, just curious how I would do it. Again, trying to figure out detachment but I don't want to push her further away but I know that appeasing her is not good either.
Also, she would usually ask me things like to get her medicine at the store or stop by the grocery to pick something up that is just for her. How can I say it nicely like, I can't or won't do that for her. If it is for the kids, I would but when I know it is for her, just curious how I would do it. Again, trying to figure out detachment but I don't want to push her further away but I know that appeasing her is not good either.
"That is something a husband would do for his wife. However, you've terminated me as your husband."
Or
"Not sure I can do that, I have plans that will not take me that way." (When she asks what plans, then use the line above, change to "that is a questions a husband would answer from his wife......."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I got a text earlier from the W. Asked me to put the phone charger that was in my car next to her purse. Then said ”and stay the f out of it” meaning the purse.
I responded that I will not be disrespected. I try not to disrespect you. If you don’t respect me, then I won’t do it for you.
She just replied back that she would just get it herself. I didn’t respond back. When she came home later and tried to hold a conversation I just would answer very short responses as I continued to read the forums.
Dont consider it a good or bad thing when she fills the void with hate or temp checks. Just make sure you react accordingly. Keep cool and calm. Do not react at all. You need to get to the point where you are indifferent. You meed to get to the point where her actions do not affect you. Get to where you are in full control of your emotions and making decisions based on how they impact you. Who cares how she acts or reacts? It doesnt matter.
She doesnt control you. You do not control her. Your goal now is to better yourself. Be the best version of yourself for yourself.
Drop any expectations you have for your marriage and for her. Focus on yourself. You will feel better and it will show. She may or may not remain your wife. Either way you will be happy and content with yourself.
Im to the point where my WW is coming in my room and telling me she is sorry and that I dont need to move out if I dont want to. I reacted with "ok, im moving out".
Shes trying to see if she can manipulate me. Since I didnt react to the tears she got hateful and threatening. I still didnt react. So now shes back to being nice. Once you truly detach and reign in your emotions you will have an entirely new perspective. Then you can make a decision on whats best for you without worrying about her. You got this. Follow the rules here. Read everything ten times. Get some books.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
