Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 6

[neffer]

You are an experienced DB master my dear friend. You took expectations out of your encounter with W. You know where you are standing. She’s still into the fog... I was there, into the fog, for a long time...and what took me out of it was this forum. In fact, it is what keeps me focused...you had the tools that W had not...I’m sorry for her and for both of you. But you need to move on D, and you know that.
To
Many of you say that my intrusion into this forum give some kind of good vibes but I must confess l’m here to heal myself. That’s why I could never find the words to say thank you to all of you.

Time to move on D. All my heart goes for you man.
(((D)))

Recuerda este dicho: “no hay mal que por bien no venga”

Abrazo fuerte hermano!

[ovrrnbw]

You can still have kids. You're young, you're in good shape. You're smarter than you have ever been.

[NicoleR]

Davide,

I think your dating range is anywhere from 30 - 50, with 35 - 45 being the ideal range. There are so many women who would be happy to marry a man a few years older or younger. You could easily find a woman around 35 or 36 who is childless and the two of you could marry and have one or two children before she's 40 and before you're 45. I had my daughter when I was 35. I lived in NYC where it's extremely common for women to have kids between 40 - 45. It's also common for men to become fathers well into their 50's. I think you're at the perfect age to get married and start a family!

[bubbs16]

this is what im worried about as well. finding a women when im even ready to date that would want children. I am already late 30s . My w and myself could never conceive for some reason. I feel like it will be hard as well to find someone. Maybe i'm wrong.

[Davide]

Hahaha... It's strange which parts of a post people latch onto and reply about.

I think a large portion of it is because I am in a Southern city and there isn't as much of the career-first mentality that is prevalent up North. The bible belt is still the bible belt! It's one of the reasons that I am considering moving away.

In terms of age range 38-42 has been my sweet spot. Nearly everyone I have dated has fallen in that range, which is really the tail end of any chance for children. One of the ladies I am currently seeing is 41 and she has a 3 year old but already told me that she would be open to having another with someone if the right situation arose. Of course, 5 dates in is faaaaar too early to be deciding if it is the right situation.

Neffer, it is serendipitous that the very thing which is helping you heal also provides such a benefit for so many of us. It is a mutually beneficial relationship (unlike many of our MRs!) ¡Gracias por el apoyo! ¡Qué sigas iluminando el camino para tantos!

(a proposito, hoy una chica me regaló una novela de Eduardo Galeano, un Urugayo, creo - Los Hijos de los Días. ¿lo conoces?)

[neffer]

I knew him...our country is really small. Read the trilogy “el libro de los abrazos” if you can. I admire Galeano’s style of writing. I have most of his books. Las venas abiertas de America Latina is his most famous one I think.

Take care of yourself my dear friend. Don’t forget you have a DB brother here, in the far far south, but walking with you, at your side.

(((D)))

[AnotherStander]

So today the W and I finally met to discuss finances, divorce, and other topics, including R, as it ended up. I am sure that I broke a number of DB rules, but I'm okay with that, okay with how it turned out, and okay with how I handled myself.

It sounds like the convo went fine but do remember the whole reason we say not to have these R convos in the first place is because it is only a reflection of how your W feels at that very moment in time. Her whole outlook can change 5 minutes afterwards, rendering the entire convo meaningless.

That said, she is definitely still in a fog.

Exactly.

The only snag is that her name is on the deed, and it is my understanding that if I remove her name I might have to refinance the house based on just my salary - which I would prefer not to do because the interest rates will be much higher and I would have to pay significantly more per month, as well as paying closing costs. I'd prefer just to leave her name on the deed, although I am sure that I will get a bunch of 2x4s telling me how idiotic that is (please let'er rip!) She isn't going to rip me off, at this point I am sure of that because of her consistent actions over the past 10 months of separation. She hasn't touched the money in our joint accounts, nor tried to fight me for any of our money.

100% absolutely remove her name from the deed. That's fine if you want to do a quit claim while leaving her name on the mortgage, but please understand she may not be OK with that. If her name stays on the mortgage it will be very difficult for her to get a home loan is she needs one. Also she's leaving herself exposed, if something happens to you (car accident, heart attack, stroke, lost job, etc. etc.) and you have trouble paying the mortgage they can go after her for it even though her name is no longer on the deed. So it's a lose-lose situation for her. If she has an L for the D then the L will push her to remove her name from the mortgage, which as you said means you'll have to refi.

[Davide]

AS,

Thanks for chiming in. Yeah, I get not to put too much stock in her words. At this point they pretty much roll off my back. That said, she has been remarkably consistent both in her actions and words over the past 10 months. It is driven by emotion, but she seems to have stalled out and been incapable of letting go. That doesn't do me any good, but more than constantly changing her words seem to reflect how she is still stuck in the morass or the fog.

Yep, in my later posts I wrote about the quit claim deed. I will definitely be pursuing that, and after that point it is up to her whether or not she allows me to use her name on the lease. She will be the only one exposed, so there isn't much benefit to her, other than perhaps alleviating some of her guilt. Neither of us are using lawyers, so that won't play a role.

[Davide]

It's been a crazy couple of days.

Last night I went out to dinner with the separated woman I have been seeing pretty consistently for the last 6 weeks. However there was some tension after she texted me on Saturday asking if everything was ok since she hadn't heard much from me. Later on Saturday she accidentally sent me a series of texts (clearly meant for another recipient) which were talking about our relationship and me, culminating in one that said that I don't know what I want and that she isn't going to chase me. It was an awkward and embarrassing mistake, but I mainly just felt bad for her since everything she said was fair and true, even if not the way she wanted it to come out. She apologized via text once she realized what had happened. I felt that we clearly had to have a talk about what we were doing, and I needed to be honest about seeing other people and not being able to commit to exclusive dating at this point.

The date itself went really well, as we had great conversation, and enjoyed ourselves throughout. We finally talked about the relationship, and it went really well as be both were not ready to make a commitment or sure of what we wanted. She still isn't really feeling ready despite being separated much longer than I. So, in the most respectful and positive way possible, we broke up. It was more her call than mine, as I was OK with the status quo, but I'm okay with it. It was really nice to be able to handle it in a mature way that let both people walk away feeling good.

Then, tonight, I came home early from the gym and ran into my W feeding the dog after a walk. I wanted to talk to her about when we could close our joint bank accounts, and just go over the plan to take her off the deed but keep her on the mortgage. There is no upside for her in this, other than helping me out, and I wanted to make sure that I was clear with her on this point.

Of course, she started crying, telling me that she was in no hurry for me to do any of this. She then asked me if I would consider starting over again with her. This was probably the question that I was waiting for her to ask for months and months and months after BD. However at this point I told her that I wouldn't entertain the question while she was still seeing someone else, and that I would need her to recognize what she had done. I also told her that I needed to be with someone who wanted to be with me, and that she still seemed like she didn't know what she wanted. She admitted that that was the case.

There was a lot more said, but for me it became clearer than ever that I truly was in control of the situation because I had put in the hard work of growing and learning to love myself. I no longer needed her. I wanted to tell her that she has so many attractive qualities - her beauty, her intelligence, her caring nature, her love of languages... but she lacked one key quality that I need in a partner - the capacity to choose me, to love me from a place of strength. She admitted that she needed to do a lot of work on herself. And quite frankly it isn't fair to expect me to wait around while she does it.

My plan is the same - to move forward with the divorce and my life. She is so far behind me in working on herself that I have trouble imagining her ever catching up. I encouraged her to put in that work, because she is clearly in pain and not at peace with herself. But, like I told her, no one can do that work for her.

Maybe that is detachment. I dunno.

[Maika]

Bro - what a fantastic exchange from your perspective with W. Couldn't have handled it better. Whether you realize it or not, you're a DB ninja too. What struck me from your post is the clarity of thought you have - I can relate to that as I have the same about exW. I love the key quality you mentioned and the fact that she doesn't have any clarity. My only other major quality that I will be looking for is the ability of the other person to hold themselves accountable and take ownership of their actions.

You're doing fantastic and keep your plans going as they are for you. I'm so happy for you. Loved this update.