Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 6

[Davide]

It is really easy to paint the WAS as the villain here, and it might be true in some cases. But I think there are come mitigating factors. As Bubbs points out who knows how we would react if we were feeling the same thing as our WASs? I also think that it is spot-on to talk about attachment styles. I question how much of my commitment was rooted in co-dependence. I had an unhealthy attachment to my W so of course I was going to be committed through thick or thin. If my attachment were healthier would my commitment be the same. I honestly don't know. And, having read too much about the pursuit/distance dynamic, I wonder how I would have reacted if she had smothered me the way I smothered her. I'm not in any way trying to blame LBSs, or shift the burden of their decision away from the WAS. But, I do think we shouldn't rush to crucify our WASs for their apparent lack of commitment.

[ovrrnbw]

Davide,

I got a wild hair and went back to your first thread and read it again. Wow what a difference a (almost) year makes not only in the tone of our writings but also in how I read your situation. And it was nice to read about what kind of dog you had again, b/c I love dogs and that just made me happy. I really admire the way you live and the way you think. I remember reading your updates through the summer and feeling so sad for you. I am going to take some hot yoga after reading you talk about it a lot, so I'm really looking forward to that and I want to thank you for sharing everything you have.

I'm also curious what other sites you are/were on for your sitch. I know it's kind of a no-no to link sites but we talk about some books (5LLs and NMMNG) all the time here.

She didn't know what she wanted from life or even who she was, and grew and changed so much over the intervening years.

I see your point, and I believe it is true. But then I though "aren't we always growing and changing"? And I think that is true as well. What do you think?

[bubbs16]

Yes thats what i'm trying to say and how to look at it. I also did some smothering and believe my w is def attached in a different way shes avoidant type . Now does that mean I think its ok for her just to give up and walk out of our m ? absolutely not. She chose to marry me and took the same vows i did that day. I Guess they just mean different things to different people .

I am just trying to work on what i can to become better and thats definently one of them is my attachment style, being needy and clingy. Like Davide said I was in it thru thick and thin too no matter what . Thats how I operate. Maybe it is as simple as that.

[Davide]

Bubbs,

You'll get there. I think a big part of being needy and clingy is due to low self esteem. We are trying to fill our own deficiencies through others. Obviously, that didn't work too well. Raise your self esteem and you will realize that you don't NEED anyone else to complete yourself. What I find quite interesting is that I was never like that before. I married at 34, met my W at 33. Before that I was in no relationship longer than 6 months. I was a distancer, constantly pushing people away. I think opening myself up completely to my W and dealing with her depression and my own really threw me for a loop.

Ovr, I didn't use any other sites once I came here. I did work with an IC through an online platform for a while since I was traveling, and then I switch to in-person counseling one I came back. I told my counselors and others that the support and advice I got here was more helpful than the counseling or anything else I did. I think my sitch was helped by the fact that my W respected the distance I needed and gave it to me almost without fail. Getting away, travelling, reconnecting with old friends, making new memories, and of course all the exercise and socializing that made up my GAL - they all helped immensely as well. In terms of books, I'll be honest - there were some ideas in NMMNG that I liked (covert contracts) but I didn't finish it because it had undertones of bro-culture and misogyny that I really can't take at all. I thought It Takes One to Tango, and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#$# were the most helpful books, especially the latter. I even recommended that one to my W!

In terms of constant growth - for sure! There is no stasis unless you are dead. That said, I think that in your 20's or even early 30's nowadays there is a lot of wandering around aimlessly until you find what makes you yourself. It might be a job, it might be family, it might be a hobby - but you need to find it. Once you do, you can certainly keep growing, but that certainty can keep you grounded. In yoga class you use drishti or a focus on a point with your eyes in a particular pose. Once you find that point you stay focused on it and it allows you to move deeper into the pose, to relax or to stay strong through the burning of your muscles - it is the point that keeps you grounded. In different poses you have to focus on different points depending on which way you are facing, but you always find a point in each pose. I don't think my W had anything to keep her grounded and that is why she spun out.

[Davide]

Journaling / Update

This week has been tough.

It started on a bad note. I was at the professor's house Sunday night on a "netflix" date so that she didn't have to pay for a sitter. My plan was to leave early to get a lot of sleep and start the week off well, but the best laid plans... I didn't get out of there until midnight. And then, as I turned off her street onto the major road, I got in an accident! It was my fault, as I didn't see the other car until too late and then skidded on wet pavement. It was a pickup truck (with no front bumper) that plowed right into my driver's side front wheel. Yikes. My first "real" accident in 25 years of driving. I was fine, as was the other driver thankfully. A neighbor called the police and we were out there for an hour waiting for the police, moving the cars off the road, changing out my front tire, filling out the forms, etc... At the end of it, I got a citation for failing to yield, but then the officer proceeded to field test the other driver and ended up arresting him for DUI. I thought he had time to swerve or stop, but who knows.

Unfortunately, when I tried to drive home on the donut, it was immediately clear that the car wasn't safe to drive. So, I headed back to the prof's house (she had come out for a bit to support me) to spend the night. It was probably near 3 in the morning before I could get to sleep with all the adrenaline racing through my body. That also meant that in the morning I met her 3 yr old son for the first time (not how I wanted that encounter to happen!) She was super nice and helpful about everything, driving 30 minutes out of her way to take me home, so I got to spend even more QT with her son in the car. I also had to go back there in the evening to get my car towed, and so she drove me home yet again and the three of us had takeout dinner at my place.

I love kids and he was sweet, but I don't know if I was emotionally prepared to meet him yet. In a perfect world I certainly would not have. I don't think the relationship is yet at a solid enough point. It feels to me like a lot of pressure/responsibility once you bring kids into the picture, and I don't know feel confident that the R can withstand the pressure of that. I am reading about OrangeK's sitch and feeling similarly about being open to the R. I am questioning my motivations, and what I really want, and how much of a chance I am really giving it.

At this point I don't know if the car is totaled or not. Thankfully it finally stopped raining, though the temps have dropped below freezing for my bike commute to work.

I am also finishing up the initial paperwork for the D filing. Today, I closed out the joint bank accounts, and I will transfer the money to W's account when she passes me her account info. If I can get everything organized and notarized, my plan is to go to the clerk's office tomorrow afternoon. I saw the W at the gym last evening, although we didn't speak. I did send her an email today to let her know about the bank accounts, and to tell her my plan to file as I don't want to surprise her with the D papers in the mail.

Mentally this has been taking a toll on me. I was in a not-great mental space yesterday, which was part of the reason I went to the gym. Starting the week off with a lack of sleep, and then dealing with the pressure of the accident, the unexpected advancement of the R with the prof, the divorce papers, doing more job interviews... it has been a lot. I have been short and not very patient with my students as well. It was very good to get out to yoga this morning after missing it on Monday. I also have an IC appointment, which I had previously scheduled for this coming Saturday. I feel like I need it to unpack my feelings about the current R with the prof.

I know that I can do this, and I have made it through harder moments than this, but it is tough.

[neffer]

I know that I can do this, and I have made it through harder moments than this

Accident was just a close call. Take care of yourself my friend. Take it as a warning: you need to be rested and with your clear mind when going outside.

You need to be honest with your GF but first be honest to yourself. If you need time and space, ask for them. Don´t get into anxiety. You are an experienced DBer.

Yeah, you made it through harder moments.

Stay strong, drive carefully, take care of yourself D.

(((Hugs!)))

[AnotherStander]

Davide, wow glad to hear you were unharmed!!

Speaking of accidents, I loaned a rare convertible pickup I own (one of 909 made) to my dad last year because he is broke and his car fell apart. I gave him explicit instructions that only he was to drive it, only when he absolutely needed to, and that he was to maintain insurance on it while he has it. About 2 weeks ago he completely ignored my instructions and loaned the truck to my loser deadbeat drug-abusing half brother who is in his mid-20's and has already totaled out the only two cars and motorcycle that he has owned. Well guess what, I get a call not from my dad but from the insurance company (thank goodness I kept insurance on it) to verify a claim I knew nothing about. Yup, that little turd wrecked the beautiful truck I have owned since 1990 (bought it new and had to have it shipped from another state as it was a rare blue color almost impossible to find) that was in amazing original survivor condition. It's totaled. Oh man I can't tell you how angry I am! And when I called my dad all he could say was "oh no how am I going to get around now" absolutely zero remorse over what he did to ME, only how it was going to affect him. ARRRRRGH. Oh and did I mention he dropped the insurance on it last year and didn't tell me?????

Anyway hope yours can be repaired, or that you find a nice replacement for it!

[FlySolo]

I'm glad you came through the car accident unscathed.

Although I am a very long way from introducing anyone to my children, I do, in a purely theoretical sense, think about it. I put in all sorts of considerations: we must be committed to each other for X months/years, we must be considering moving in together etc, but I know it will happen when it happens. It is probably like saying "I love you" for the first time. You think about it and think about it but when it happens, it probably just slips out by accident. I would try not to worry too much about it. If she were me, I would simply have said you are a friend, explained your car broke down nearby and it made sense for you to spend the night.

But I can see this weeks taken its toll on you. Maybe take some down time. Just chill out this weekend, put the D admin on hold, maybe catch up with some mates instead of dating. You know, take the pressure off yourself to be always doing 'stuff'.

[Maika]

Glad to hear you're okay Davide! That must be such a terrifying experience even if it lasts just moments. Don't beat yourself up with how things have been emotionally and mentally. You know that it's temporary and you get through it. Yeah take some time to unpack your feelings and see where you land with it.

[Davide]

Thanks for the support!

This weekend will involve no dating. I stopped dating the others to see where things were going with the prof. and she is out of town this weekend at a conference. So, no worries there.

I don't think that I am particularly shaken up by the accident (although perhaps it is just lurking beneath the surface.) It is more just another hassle to deal with and something that threw my whole week off to start.

I'll be going out to the gym twice this weekend. I'll also be doing a bike-ride and dinner with friends on Saturday night, lots of yoga, and the IC appointment on Saturday. It should be a good opportunity to recharge my batteries and connect with friends.