Thank you all for responding and I am eyes wide open right now. Not on her but on me and what I truly want.
I was waiting to see how she would be this AM and today the day after she went through her rollercoaster of emotions yesterday and Sat which is normal but by the end of the day opened up even more than she had ever with full disclosure.
She said she was happier today that she feels like she was able to let so much go and didn't want to lie anymore.
I can't express how much all this input helps from you guys. It is so enlightening to understand what is going on from your perspectives because it is so hard to understand in the heat of the moment.
She has already offered her transparency and I am not ready to take her up on it just yet as AS said give it time and see how she is reacting a few weeks, months down the road.
She works from home and is here 99% of the time. Since her recovery from surgery in mid Jan she had been feeding me the "I need to keep my independence" and was out one night a weekend with "friends". We discussed that last night and she came clean that that was not where she was. I knew but let it go until this week. She said she would not be doing that anymore....but we will see.
It is definitely a scary point right now because I am not upset if we split. I was upset because of her lies to my face. I was upset because I knew how this would affect my kids if I decided to move out. Before, she knew I knew and did it anyway which turned into going covert but showing me more love and affection at home than she ever had. I am sure that was just a ploy to keep me more engaged.
She is very troubled now I see. Her issues of sexual abuse as a kid and neglect from her family all her life has left a huge burden on anyone that she ends up with.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
And thank you Neffer you hit the nail on the head. I needed to let go of the fear of losing what maybe I never had after 18+ years. My fear now is a transition for my kids which fortunately are older and understand the sitch.
I will be taking time and space to move forward with my life.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Thanks neffer again with the perfect inspirational advice.....detach with love..I think that hit home for her. I am not angry, I want to be happy and want her to be happy. She is the one struggling more than me. I can't help her and can only be the inspiration for her to make the changes to get what she truly wants...I see that...hopefully she will too.
She knows she is running out of cake
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Good week so far...but long road I know. W has continued her course of action and has expressed how happy she is that she is no longer lying to me (albeit a few days lol). I asked about numerous events about her whereabouts and she confirmed that she had lied. She said she had no reason to anymore. She has reconfirmed that I can look anytime that I want at phone, phone records, bank and cc accounts. Her mood has changed she is taking the blame, all of it for the decisions that she made and the hurt that she has caused. I am listening and validating her feelings.
She is talking about things in the future which she hadn't been doing. We talked about addressing the past, hers and ours and she is open to that, together and IC. She wanted to put her ring back on...I didn't stop her. She wanted me to put mine on....already sold (oops), told her I wasn't ready for that just yet.
I'm hanging in there with eyes still wide open. I told her she will never be tracked or investigated again. If I have those feelings of mistrust it will be over, she was at the end of the rope and so were we. We look up or we let go. We agreed that after 20 years we need to communicate our feelings much better, good or bad so that we never get to this point again. I told her that I appreciate how she is putting in the work now so far, she knows she hurt me...bad, she knows I still need time and she would do anything for this to not have happened and to make things better.
Maybe a turning point? I still have the thoughts in my head similar to Steve...am I sure this is what I want? How long will I feel this way? Is it worth it?
More to come...
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I keep re reading your last post Neffer....patience...patience...don't rush.
You get that feeling of wanting to change gears so quickly, but I am holding back. I still see her struggle but she continues the remorse. She is taking 100% blame for the damage the A has caused...this is all new to me. She was never at any point this contrite. I am continuing to validate that she is acknowledging and will be the light.
Anxiety still creeps in though. Although being very transparent, still have to figure she will struggle with ending her A and fantasy life. I am working to keep my GAL but also to do some new things with W that we had not done in a long time...to reconnect.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I asked about numerous events about her whereabouts and she confirmed that she had lied. She said she had no reason to anymore.
Her test will come when the withdrawals start kicking her rear.
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She has reconfirmed that I can look anytime that I want at phone, phone records, bank and cc accounts.
Many women balk about "no privacy" whenever their phone and emails are checked. However, she has to sacrifice privacy if she intends to show that she can be trustworthy again. If she is not being genuine, her gleeful cooperation will wear thin, shortly, and she'll grow tired of being transparent. On the other hand, if she is genuine, then being transparent will help her while going through the affair withdrawals. Another Stander made an excellent point when he compared her affair addiction with someone on heroin, and how easy it is to agree to giving it up..........until the next time she needs a fix. I think of people who talk about going on a diet to lose weight. They talk the talk when the belly is full. The test comes when the belly is empty.
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I'm hanging in there with eyes still wide open. I told her she will never be tracked or investigated again.
Why did you tell her?
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If I have those feelings of mistrust it will be over,
Well, that's up to you to make that choice. I don't know that you should have told her. Do you understand how important it is for her healing (if not your own) to work at making amends and have a better MR? I'm talking from the viewpoint of the cheater. I know the argument of how a cheater will find a way if they want to cheat, but I also know she needs to have a plan where she gives accountability until she no longer feels the tug of war to compromise her integrity. She'll need you to encourage and emotionally support her while she goes through the withdrawal phase. That is the period she'll be her most vulnerable to secretly find a way to contact OM.
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Maybe a turning point? I still have the thoughts in my head similar to Steve...am I sure this is what I want? How long will I feel this way? Is it worth it?
Well, I think you need to figure out what you want, just like Steve had to do. Maybe you feel battle fatigue with all this mess, and need to take each day as it comes, rather than undertaking the far out future. At least right now. I don't think it is uncommon for the LBH to experience these feelings, especially when he sees his W wanting to secure the M. Ironic isn't it? Getting on the same page at the same time is not as simple as it sounds......b/c of this thing called human nature. She doesn't want the H, and he puts all his focus into getting his W back. She decides she doesn't want to lose him, and then he's not so sure he wants her anymore.
It could be a turning point, if she is really serious. I've read very similar stories where the WW appeared to be remorseful and was willing to be transparent........but it turned out to be a performance by the WW. You've mentioned her saying how happy she felt about coming clean, etc. Were you able to detect humility in her, or was it more like a light switch flipping on to this state of happiness?
I think having therapy ASAP is important. At the moment, she may appear willing to do most anything you suggest, b/c she wants to secure her M. In a couple more weeks, you may see her resisting.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
