I am reading up on your story now, SoTorn. My kids are younger and the OM is only 40 minutes away and 5 years older than her. A lot of parallels. My story is just starting. Your's appears to begun months and months ago. Good Luck. I am detaching slowly. It is hard but wish I would have done it sooner. I have done what a lof of newcomers have done. The crying, pleading, begging, etc.
She has never mentioned a divorce. Just wanted "space" and to get her master's and work on our marriage. But of course, everything wrong with the marriage was me. She can't ever remember being happy, etc. Got married for the wrong reasons.
She is in love with the guy. It is her soulmate. She then says that there are things that annoy her of him. Things that she does not like about him. SHe knows she wouldn't be happy with him either. She may be just happier alone. SHe said if she had the finances she would already have moved out and then worked on our relationship. All BS.
I am kind of hoping she just leaves and I can tell her I will send her a check of her income (not a lot) each pay period until she can get her pay switched over to her own bank account. Then I can turn off her authorized user credit cards and then not be financially worried about her racking up her bills. I have locked her credit card on my account a few times just to prevent her from charging it.
I am slowly but surely doing the detaching. It is a day to day thing. Difficult.
She is in love with the guy. It is her soulmate. She then says that there are things that annoy her of him. Things that she does not like about him. SHe knows she wouldn't be happy with him either. She may be just happier alone.
They all say things like this. My W, who is a very religious woman (but wasn't so much during her WW period), would say things like: "I want to live alone." "I never want to get married again." "I am never going to have sex with anyone, just go out on dates, then come home and masturbate."
It was all BOLOGNA. It was her way of easing her own guilty conscience by letting me down easy. IN the meantime she was sending nude photos to her EA OM. She was trolling dating sites for guys 10-20 years younger than her. She wanted to move into her own apartment. (REMEMBER, women do not need their own place to work on their marriage or find themselves, they need their own place to sleep with other people."
So do not be tricked into believing her on this. People in the limerance phase of a new relationship rarely acknowledge or care about the other person's negatives. Think back to when you were dating her. All rainbows and unicorns. Then you got married and there were tons of things that bugged you to no end about her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I usually cook dinner and such. How can I do this for the kids but not her. I just want to make sure I am not being cold towards her.
She's sleeping with another man and you're worried about being cold to her? Being a nice little househusband to her is NOT going to bring her back. Most of the time waywards do not repent until their H kicks them to the curb. I'm not suggesting you do that, but the point is tough love is about the only thing that works with a wayward.
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But what if she is really having a MLC and not WW and I am too tough on her. They are similar based on Sandi's description but it appears to be WW but not sure.
She's blatantly having an A in your face and is disrespecting you, she's a WW. Maybe MLC triggered it but that doesn't make her any less of a WW.
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I don't want to do something that would back fire and then lose her for good.
You've already lost her. Your goal isn't to cling to her, it's to understand she's gone and let go of your grip on her. You've got to let her go on her journey, which unfortunately in her case probably means exploring the R with OM to learn that it's not all it's cracked up to be. She's got to fail, hit rock bottom, and then start questioning what she's doing. Then after that maybe she'll want to come back. But you can't "keep" her, all you can do is let her go and see what happens down the road.
So I usually cook dinner and such. How can I do this for the kids but not her. I just want to make sure I am not being cold towards her. I want to detach and such. But what if she is really having a MLC and not WW and I am too tough on her. They are similar based on Sandi's description but it appears to be WW but not sure. I don't want to do something that would back fire and then lose her for good. I have ordered both books but won't be here until Sunday. I have been reading everything but still confused on boundaries and such without placing ultimatums or such on them.
I think a detached response wouldn't care if she ate it. If you tell her you won't cook for her b/c she is a cheater, you are showing that her actions affect you. If there's food I say just let her eat. For now, y'all are living together and you just need to stop letting little things get to you.
Keep reading about boundaries, we'll help you there.
Originally Posted by AnthonyA
So I got a text earlier from the W. Asked me to put the phone charger that was in my car next to her purse. Then said ”and stay the f out of it” meaning the purse.
I responded that I will not be disrespected. I try not to disrespect you. If you don’t respect me, then I won’t do it for you.
She just replied back that she would just get it herself. I didn’t respond back. When she came home later and tried to hold a conversation I just would answer very short responses as I continued to read the forums.
Next time don't respond. Do not dignify any disrespect with a response. She's an adult and knows how to get a phone charger all by herself.
Originally Posted by AnthonyA
Just wanted "space" and to get her master's and work on our marriage. But of course, everything wrong with the marriage was me. She can't ever remember being happy, etc. Got married for the wrong reasons.
Anthony, right now she isn't going to be thinking about all the things she got wrong. Human nature just work like this. If she can't remember being happy or she is in pain because of something you did, just learn to validate that and move. She knows she has and is hurting you, but she's not ready to deal with that. You trying to make her see that she is hurting you isn't going to speed up the process of her taking responsibility either. It is what it is.
Originally Posted by AnthonyA
She is in love with the guy. It is her soulmate. She then says that there are things that annoy her of him.
Please don't sit there and listen to her talk about another man, she is your wife. You really need to toughen up here. When you allow yourself to be the little buddy she talks to about her boyfriend when you are her husband, it really screws with the relationship dynamics. If this was your friend you'd be all over your friend about this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I need to set up boundaries especially about the OM. I have been reading a lot on boundaries, detachment, etc. I am having trouble coming up with them. I like the idea of saying, "I will not live in an open marriage" but what is the result if it continues. Not really the ultimatum or punishment, I guess but what do I say if that line gets crossed again.
Also, when she came to me to discuss my IC, she then started talking about the OM. Do I just say that I don't want to talk about the OM as it is disrespectful to me and the family and end the discussion?
She emailed me earlier saying that she wanted us to take the kids out to dinner. She also mentioned going out tomorrow night and having some special alone time with our son while the girls have a birthday party.
I just responded that if she wanted to take the kids out to dinner, that is fine. HOwever, I don't think it would be productive for both of us to be there at this time.
She replied alright and you are probably right. SHe then texted me later saying that she will be going out with her friends tonight and if I want to do something tomorrow night, I can make plans. I was planning on going out tonight but I can rearrange them to tomorrow with more sleep to do it so I am ok with that. However, I never responded back to her as I don't see a need to respond.
Just want to make sure I am handling this correctly on the dos and don'ts...if it isn't a question or whatever, I don't answer.
I need to set up boundaries especially about the OM. I have been reading a lot on boundaries, detachment, etc. I am having trouble coming up with them. I like the idea of saying, "I will not live in an open marriage" but what is the result if it continues. Not really the ultimatum or punishment, I guess but what do I say if that line gets crossed again.
Well yes that is exactly the problem. If your boundary is "I will not stand by while you blatantly have an affair", and she continues to do it (which she probably will), then what? For a boundary like that your only repercussion options are separation or divorce. If you're not ready to go that far then don't set it as a boundary. Most of the time when we talk about boundaries here it's more along the lines of not letting your WAS verbally abuse you or such. Things like that are a lot more clearcut and easier to enforce. You tell her you will not allow her to verbally disrespect you and then the next time she does it you calmly state "I told you I would not be disrespected, now either discuss this civilly or I will leave." If she continues to be a brat then you walk out of the room or house, whatever it takes to send her a message that you're not putting up with it. So think about what boundaries you want AND what the ramifications are if they are breached, and make sure it's something you can enforce. Make sense?
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Also, when she came to me to discuss my IC, she then started talking about the OM. Do I just say that I don't want to talk about the OM as it is disrespectful to me and the family and end the discussion?
Yes that is a perfect response. And if she continues talking about him then leave, or go in a room and quietly close and lock the door.
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She emailed me earlier saying that she wanted us to take the kids out to dinner. She also mentioned going out tomorrow night and having some special alone time with our son while the girls have a birthday party.
I just responded that if she wanted to take the kids out to dinner, that is fine. HOwever, I don't think it would be productive for both of us to be there at this time.
Personally my attitude is if it is for the kids then go because you want to show the kids that despite your differences you are still united for them. The kids need to see their parents still love them and don't blame them (kids tend to blame themselves for this kind of stuff). So a good response would be "I think that would be fine to do something together for S, let me know what you have in mind and I'll see if my schedule is clear."
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I was planning on going out tonight but I can rearrange them to tomorrow with more sleep to do it so I am ok with that. However, I never responded back to her as I don't see a need to respond.
If you're planning on going out then let her know, it's just common courtesy. "That sounds fine, I did have plans to do something so that works for me." Something like that, keep it business-like.
I don't think you are going to be able to play happy family while separated and while she's having an open affair. As someone has stated, she's cake eating. Do you understand what we mean? In other words, she gets the best of both worlds.
Setting boundaries is like marking a circle around yourself. Think of it like property lines. Other people cannot come on your property to do whatever they want.....unless you approve of it. Otherwise, they will experience consequences of crossing your property lines.
You are responsible for protecting yourself (physically, emotionally, etc.). If another person violates your property, you would probably call the police and they would be fined, or whatever. What happens if another person violates your person? There would be consequences for them, right? Those types of examples are simple. Okay, what if someone disrespects you by making you feel like everyone sees you as fool? You don't like it, do you? What do you do to protect yourself from experiencing this type of disrespect again, especially from this person again? That decision is up to you. You might decide to walk away, and just avoid any future contact with that person. That might work if the person who disrespected you is a stranger and your chances of seeing him again are slim. However, if it is someone who hangs out at your local places; a co-worker; a friend; a relative; or a spouse........then walking away may not stop future disrespectful acts, if that have no consequences to face. To be clear, I am not advocating violence, okay? Consequences don't have to be in the form of a knock down - drag out.
Being in a MR, we tend to allow the spouse to step over our boundary line more than anyone else. The problem that occurs as a result, is their feelings of disrespect. If it continues, their overt disrespect grows more obvious, such as you are currently experiencing. So, if the status of your MR is currently in-house separation, how do you set boundaries to protect your respect? Let's be honest, if your W is seeing another man while married to you and living under the same roof with you........your self esteem must feel pretty low. How could it not........unless you approve of this type of extramarital conduct.
Enforcing a boundary means that you are the only one who does something when your boundary has been violated. You can't force the other person to do something. You are the one who responds with an action. If you say that you won't remain on the line while someone screams and/or curses at you.........then what has to happen for the other person to take you seriously? You don't stay on the line giving them warnings that you are going to disconnect the call. You don't go from a call to texting......b/c that's just compromising. You disconnect and let them stew in their anger or whatever. You are finished with it. If they call right back again (like WW's are known to do) they are just playing games. The consequences for them is that you won't acknowledge them trying to contact you after they've been so disrespectful in a phone call. This is just a small example. .
Don't get too hung up and see enforcing a boundary as an opportunity to punish your spouse. It doesn't give you permission to police how others may live.......just as long as it doesn't affect your life. When dealing with someone close who doesn't respect you, I believe the strength or effectiveness comes from the consequences they get. Make sense?
When it comes to setting boundaries in a MR, be careful what you say, b/c you will probably be tested to backup what you say. Many a H has said, "I will not stay in an open MR". But when it is ignored by his adulterous W, then what is the next step? It is his responsibility to act in such a way that will protect himself from living in an open MR. If she won't honor the boundary, then he needs to physically separate or divorce. The action needs to fit the crime. Make sense? If you aren't ready to set a boundary that steep, then don't say to her. Boundaries are not the same as ultimatums.
There is a big problem here, and that is called "score keeping". She thinks she has you over a barrel b/c of the BJ with her BFF. (Strange how she's mad at you for it, but not mad her BFF). Anyway, she keeps score as to which of you has done the worst. Of course, the score is rigged in her favor. So, you've got to figure out how to shut it down whenever she throws it back in your face.
I might lean toward the idea she's having a revenge affair, and she talks about her love for OM as a way to make you suffer. Like when she said you were boring on the date and left you to go be with OM. That could be seen as vindictive behavior, IMHO. However, I'm not convinced she wasn't already engaging in extramarital sex before she knew about the BJ. But whatever....... throwing it back in your face seems to be her "get out of jail" card.
Although both of you have been guilty of dishonoring the M, you have to stop and create a new starting line for yourself. I think that is what you've tried to do, but she is not following suit. I don't know what all she experienced in the past, or if it affects how all of this is being played out. I think both of you need long-term MC.......but I can't see it helping as long as she pals around with that BFF.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yep, she is going out tonight with her BFF. Her BFF was here last night while my wife was coming home from IC. I let her in, only said you can let her know you are here and went up to my room. I want to see how the long term MC counseling will go. We got it moved up to a couple weeks. We will start going to MC in 2.5 weeks. She is now in IC weekly every Thursday. I am weekly every Wednesday. Our counselors are able to talk to together since we signed papers. If we continue through IC and MC, maybe things will turn around. I can only control me and fix me. That is what I will continue to do.
You need to take her off of your credit cards now. Its ok to separate bank accounts. I dont know about your state but if its community property you can put half of whats in savings in her name.
I got my own bank account when I confirmed my WW was having an A.
I agree, unless you are ready for separation or divorce, dont set that boundary. You could set a boundary that you wont be talking to her at all if she continues to mistreat you or talk about OM.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I might soon move back into the MBR. I mentioned doing this and she said ok but no touching. I don’t want any touch but I feel it is a power of self respect on my part. If she can already forgive her BFF for what took place then I think I have a right to the MBR again. Or should I wait until MC and discuss there.
