Her dad says to just make her stay here and get counseling. I want it to work but don’t see how right now. She says to keep an open mind. If she leaves it supports my chances of getting custody of them and away from drinking and OM
Her: I’m hoping in time we can be on good terms. Everything that went on for the past year and a half I can forgive. I just feel in my heart this is what I need to do. I think we will both be happier too. Just give it time and keep an open mind
Me: Look I know this is what you want. I really want to try and work on this marriage. I am sad you feel this way. I do think in time we can resolve this. However right now we need time to heal and do our own individual counseling. It is early since you have only been to a couple. J am still deciding which is better. You stay here or go over there.
And j hope after the time of healing we can take a deep breath and see if this is where we want or don’t want at that time.
I do believe you are talking more separation than divorce at this time.
Her: Yes it would be more separation
Me: Can I ask why not just a divorce? Is it that you are not sure yet if that is what you want. I think we should still keep marriage counseling and at least to do one or two and then take a break on it tk continue individual counseling to get a better idea where both are coming from and report those findings from marriage counselor to individual counselors. I just want to try and make sure we are truly not resolved every avenue for the sake of the kids and my morals toward divorce.
Her: I dunno..... I guess bc I know I need to work on myself and I need to feel a self of control. Independence. I have never had that in my life and I have felt so controlled in our marriage..... not all of it your doing either... I just need to go through this I guess and then I will know
I did think marriage counseling would be good but more on a level of getting along and respecting one another
Me: I will keep marriage counseling appointments. I won’t force you to go
Her: But I want you to understand this separation is more of me feeling independent and single. I need time away from us. Does that make sense? I am to a breaking point with you. I keep hitting you and I know it’s bc I’m just feeling done
I’m still very overwhelmed but I know the direction I need to take for myself
I want to get my life on track and not have marital issues breathing down my back. The only issues I want to have are kid problems bc they’re being lil shits
If we live in this house together.. if you’re ok with it... we’re going to be more like roommates. I need it Anthony. I really do.
Like how we’ve been recently
I have felt so much better since we haven’t been around each other much. If you really want me to see whether I can keep this marriage I need complete separation
I’m doing better seeing you or being around you in the house but not sleeping on the same bed and having my own space has been a relief to me
Me: A lot to process
Her: I know..... Anthony I have a lot of mental things going on in my head and I know some of it deals with what I felt as a child. I’m asking for a lot. I’ll understand if you refuse
Me: I understand
Her: I’m just really struggling and I feel like I need to do something drastic in my life to make a real change
You know the way you sounded earlier separating accounts and phone stuff, turning off my credit card. If that’s the route you end up wanting to take that’s fine. I haven’t wanted to go that route. I will have to request alimony and I know our house will be gone. I don’t want my burdens becoming everyone else’s burden. I just want the only change is you and I are separated. I don’t mind switching my paychecks into a separate account and if I want to purchase something for myself or go out I can use that money. But I need access to other accounts for groceries for our kids and other items I may need to buy for them
Anthony I promise you I am not out to hurt you financially or do anything stupid buying [censored]. I will say though if you put me in a position where I have to be mean then I would. And you know I would. I wouldn’t like it but if I’m not given a choice then that is how it will go
Me (hours later): Still deciding. So I know what is your true preference. Not sure how you are independent staying here or across the street. Still trying to process it but wanted to know your preference
Her: I would like to stay with my kids. Pretty much doing what we’re already doing at the moment just we would be separated. I wouldn’t mind going to counseling so we can work on things Btwn us and also it may deliver more light on if I should move out. I got accepted into the masters program. Did you ever bring that book home
Me: So what does separated mean to you then if we are in the same house. I understand roommates but logistically and socially how are you viewing it.
Her: I’m fine hanging out with you around. Like if we want to go out to dinner with the kids. Is that something you mean? Just don’t stare me down. On what means do you mean logistically. Like financial?
Me: No it sounds like you would just go do whatever you want with friends or men, that type of thing. Live the single life
Her: That’s what separation means yes. But that’s not why I’m wanting it for that reason. I need time to have control of my life. I’ve not ever had that and that’s what I need
Me: For how long would you think you need. That can be a deciding factor
Her: I dunno Anthony. It’s not like I know exactly how it will go. I was thinking too that we can figure out the weekends on how we want to spend time with the kids alone. I want to start focusing on them. I’m struggling with that. It was something I brought up to the therapist. He was the one that actually mentioned considering moving out.
Me: But across the street to neighbor. That is the only option?
Her: Yeah bc I can’t afford a place. Lol I mean I have no money you know that. Plus I’d like to be as normal as possible for the kids. I could easily come back home in the morning if I lived there and got them on the bus. And they can run over and see me too which is convenient. I can use my $ for my own stuff. I should be able to afford this masters stuff too
Me: I am thinking to let you have more of an independence it would be better for you to move out
wow man. this sounds like my w but she isnt nearly as open about it . She needs to have independence and find herself etc etc. but thats all i ever really got out of her. we are seperated.
She would just say like I feel like i dont know who i am anymore , im lost.
wow man. this sounds like my w but she isnt nearly as open about it . She needs to have independence and find herself etc etc. but thats all i ever really got out of her. we are seperated.
She would just say like I feel like i dont know who i am anymore , im lost.
Whole thing is a nightmare. Do you have kids bubbs?
Anthony this and these discussions are doing nothing to help your sitch. You need to avoid getting sucked into them. Also, read the validation thread again. Listen. Validate. You're negotiating with her will not get you to where you want to be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No kids , we have been trying on and off for the better part of like 8 years. Wife was actively taking meds to help us conceive when i got the bd. Thats the part that hurts me the most. I just dont get it. Is that the driving force behind what shes doing ? I dont know . DId they send her into depression maybe? That and the simple fact that they didnt work either and its just to much for her to deal with , so she gave up ?
you need to calm down buddy, you are all over the place. I was too at this point in my sitch. Go read the Last Resort Technique and implement it fully. Stop pursuing.
You are still trying to talk her into staying but it doesn't appear to have worked yet. You are running down the cheeseless tunnels my man.
Just take a breath. Get out of the house and have some fun. Your W needs space, you need space.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Way too much discussion going on about MR. Focus on yourself. Stop trying to plan it out with her. This type of discussion puts you right back at square one with being attached. Detach yourself. Really A. You need to detach so you can start to heal and better yourself.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
So what am I supposed to do when she talks separation and either sleeping in the spare bedroom or across the strert? I can’t ignore it. Just say that I am sorry she feels like we need to be separated. I won’t force you to move out or stay here. ?
