Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[SteveLW]

Can't you join another gym? It seems to me running into her at the gym like this isn't going to help you move forward.

[Turbine]

Running into her at the gym, her sleeping in the next room, house full of her stuff and her brother still there too? Changing one really won't impact the rest.

Probably right about impacting moving forward. Have I said how much I viscerally hate that term.

Anyway I have my bag with me and can go to the gym on the way home. Weather permitting. Supposed to be really hazardous this PM.

Like I said... felling close to nothing about her... sort of sad about that...

[SteveLW]

- Run into her at gym
- Sleeping in next room
- House full of her stuff and brother

So you mention three things. And say because two can't change right now it won't matter about the third.

WRONG ATTITUDE! In DBing focus on what YOU can control. Right now the last 2 aren't fixable. However, #1 IS. So do it.

You didn't post about sleeping in the room next to her. Nor about the house full of her stuff or her brother. You posted about walking past her at the gym. So fix that.

[Turbine]

Okay, I'll accept that 2x4. Either one of us can use any of the gyms in the chain. If we aren't conversing then encounters are unplanned. Some of the locations have better amenities than others. Can I be faulted for wanting to enjoy those? I am not going there to check on her. The time before that I was at the gym and 30 minutes into my 60 on the bike when she walked past me. So take the lessor locations or not and if she is there not pay attention to her?

Working out is for me. if she approves.... well bonus... but not being sought.

Better or not?

[Turbine]

Let's see. It has been a few days since I last posted.

I have a little bit of time right now since with this wonderful weather we are having in the Chicago area work was called for today. End of the month and pushing for every last $$$. Yet the owner/boss said safe over sorry. The salesmen can all work from home so new orders are possible. getting it tested or repaired... another story.

Anyway that was digressing.

I called last Thursday and was able to get a coaching session with my coach the same day. Silly me accepted before realizing that I hadn't done my homework from last time. Wasn't able to cancel either. Still the session went very well. Got some new homework. She recommended i start a gratitude journal. Check.

So this morning I made breakfast. Bacon, eggs, hash browns, some V8 etc. Wife was up and I offered to make her some. She declined. Declined without any harsh or nasty tone. (Plus) When she came down she snagged a piece of the bacon. (Plus) I offered again but she again declined and started to make her own. She sat at the table WITH me (BIG Plus) since that hasn't happened very much. She ate more of the bacon (plus) I washed the dishes, including hers. (Plus) Since normally she is adamant about washing her own. My offer was made with this as supporting to just let me wash them. My hands were already in the dish water.

She took her tea and returned to her room. A few minutes later she came out and teased me about having her tea. There was a smile, a little laugh, and she admitted to teasing. (Plus plus)

So what do I make of all of this? Not a thing. Because that would be an expectation. I will take it as a good morning.

Last Sunday she did attend church. I have posted before that I believe this is a good step. She wants to believe and do what she believes is right. However, right now my attending is viewed with suspicion, as are any and all changes she may notice. Changes aren't for her. Inspired by yes. I have to want them to make them permannent. I don't intend on not going so we are going to have to learn to accept this. In His time according to His plan.

Stay warm and safe to all of you being hit by this chuck of arctic air.

[Turbine]

To all of you reading and offering your support. No I haven't done anything terminally stupid. I have been busy with stuff. So I have to admit from the last post I have had some expectations. I know, bad Turbine. Could there be some real noticing on her part but she is not showing anything because of the past hurts and some amount of pride? She did use absolutes in laying this out there. Only one way to get a miracle and those don't happen overnight. So yes I am still hanging my hopes on R.

I have one session with my coach in reserve. If I need more then I will have to buy more time. As much as I want to get bills paid down I want to maximize the chance of a getting the R. Hopes... I know... 2x4.

So in a few days it is Valentines day. I so much want to acknowledge it in some way with her. I know that it is extremely unlikely of being reciprocated. So while I may buy a card, presenting it would be another matter. Foolish hope but I am so not detaching at the moment.

Then there is her birthday. The way things are going the kids aren't going to do anything. I want to get her a card. Nothing overly romantic. I want too but that would be pursuing and my actions to date have been skirting that line in her mind if not crossing it. I want to entice her like catching a big ole fish. Takes some finesse and it seems like I am tossing chum. So would it be wrong to get a simple happy birthday card? I mean simple too. No romantic sonnet on the inside. Although part of me wants to so badly. Flowers, a gift etc. I know, 2x4, so slow down Turbine.

Anyway the minister I have been talking to came over to pick up the chili I had set aside for him. He got to see the condition the house is in. No I am not proud of it. I also am responsible for not all of it. Yes, I know I can argue that I am responsible for all of it since my actions contributed to where we are today. Well I will accept what is mine by inheritance or as personal possessions. Her stuff and her brothers... not cleaning it up. Seems like that would be a fight I don't want. Maybe I need it but that isn't me.

The minister stayed for about a hour too. I put a few pictures back on the wall of her. Still there too as of writing this. She made spaghetti sauce over the weekend. Not at home though. That saddens me. For some reason it tastes different. Yes I saw her take from the container for her lunch. No I don't know if she ate it. Yes she took the hard boiled eggs I prepared and no I don't know if she ate those or gave them to friends at work.

I got her the eggs she likes and a replacement bottle of lotion because we were out and nearly empty. So she is using the lotion and taking the eggs. Love is considerate. I am not expecting anything in return by my actions.

[Turbine]

So today my oldest child turned 31. Oldest granddaughter is now 11. W adds a year by the end of the month.

She was talking about getting a tree in the back yard taken down now. No leaves so that part makes sense. However if you are wanting to sell the house and are dragging your feet on packing your vast amount of personal items... doesn't make a bit of sense to me.

So in celebration of my oldest, I went to her favorite local sushi place. Ordered her favorite rolls and sent her pictures. Sorry they don't deliver across multiple state lines. What a nice Dad I am to do that to her. She appreciated it though so when she visits we will go there. So a tease.

Got a coaching session scheduled for Thursday. Got more added. I have made progress and still need to make more. My end goal is still the same. Definitely more open to that not being the case. Still not happy at that thought so yeah more work.

Good session at the gym. maintaining the 15 to 16 miles per hour pace. Got some time in on the weights too.

Helped scrape her windows this morning. Gave my car a chance to warm up. Yes she protested but I had done a lot of it already. Did get a thank you out of it. Nice, appreciated too, but not expected. Love is considerate. I have tried to be considerate but apparently had slipped. For me then. I have to look in the mirror.

So my grateful journal is going well. I had a day I missed and nothing came to mind as outstanding. Listing generic stuff seems to be cheating. Almost like posting here but definitely more focused.

Stay safe and warm everyone.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi T,

doesn't make a bit of sense to me.

Well it may be unrealistic to expect sensible choices right now.

Is your W having an affair? I can't recall and I don't see it in your signature. If your W was speaking quite clearly about things being "done" with you guys, maybe hold off on the cards for V Day and B Day. You can always just casually tell her happy Bday so she knows you haven't forgotten it.

I like your controlled emotions and expectations about everything. Very good to see that. I don't think you need to offer her breakfast more than once though. It's kind of weird when she just told you she's fine after the first offer that you'd ask again. It's not like she's a little kid who doesn't know better. To me, it's just part of giving her the space she's looking for. Maybe forget about her a few times. Not every time necessarily, but at least half. Do this for you, for her, for the MR.

And I hope you aren't still running into her at the gym, are you?

[Turbine]

She has denied an affair. I would not know if that is a bridge too far. Perhaps... my heart aches still at the thought of not being us.

Valentines Day is down played in our church. Our church... I'm trying to join and she removed herself in a temper tantrum. She still goes though. Just not with me. I still hope that changes someday. In His hands. So no card.

My coach said to say hi if I run into her at the gym. Haven't had that happen so...

This morning she pushed my buttons a bit. Not great but I did send an apology.

She still is in the house, not following through on what she told the lawyers either.

I feel like I regressed big time... again.

At this rate I will never be over her. Sounds like game over, Turbine looses.

[Turbine]

Just a quick thought.

I am really disliking one song by Foreigner, "Heart Turns to Stone".

Hits a very large nerve. A personal trigger the opens the door on the long black train crossing the bridge over the guilt river. Not my play list at work so not much choice.

Listening to Josh Turner would be easier. "Be Your Man", "Long Black Train", "Would You go with Me" all are less painful.

Training session at the gym. Happy with that.

House is a mess. Seems to be no effort by her to deal with her items. Same for her brother.

Don't know what it means if anything. All I know is there is no progress in getting house ready to sell this way.

Still the "never" and ILYBNILWY attitude.

Coach has me looking at the ten negative thinking and working on that.

W birthday in a few days. Plain card. Happy Birthday. Her name. My name or maybe just initial. Yeah I'd be theilled to do more. Happily too. Play by ear.