Turbine, I see a lot of focus on her. What about you? There are two kinds of LBSs. Those that sit and sulk and stir in their misery, and allow it to have effects on other parts of their lives (job, extended family and friends, etc). Or those that pull themselves up by their bootstraps, realize that sometimes life deals you a bowl of lemons, and gets busy making lemonade.
So which one is Turbine going to be? The good news is that you get to choose!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As things stand, 4/4/2019 will be one day short of 31 years, 9 months. No more Mrs. Turbine.
So much debt and won't talk to me about anything really.
Testing something that is really something we have no business testing much less calibrating. Frustrating.
Supposed to have her leaving the house. So much stuff and no packing. Home late, not home on weekends. I have enough to deal with of my stuff. Do I work around her stuff and her brother's stuff or start bagging it?
Not a way to rebuild anything.
Or am I wasting effort being considerate?
Feeling trapped on a frying pan on a camp fire.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Saw Captain Marvel with my son. Forgot my shoes at their house. Bought a new pair.Needed to at some point because the heels were getting thin.
My efforts at the gym are paying off. Had a handle at work that was bent. So I bent it back by hand. Opened a few eyes. Upped the resistance on the bike and held pace about 16 mph.
Restoring my faith.... I'm praying lots. More conversation with actually. I am trying to be alert to His plan without putting my desire first. That is still there but I pray Mrs. Turbine relents a little bit. At the moment... not feeling it or seeing it.
I did put more picture and paintings back on the wall. Nothing said and still in place.
She ate the pork chops I cooked too. Take away from that.... one less meal for me and not wasted. I am not a bad cook. Just when I cook and it would be something I know she would eat.... and she would not choose too. May not be an issue much longer. Sad thought but not debilitating.
Still fighting off the terminally stupid monster. It hurts. That isn't a solution. Only moves the pain to others who did nothing to deserve it. Oh for some affection from her. A smile, a laugh, a touch... rather than a scowl or the ignored treatment.
Family hugs are far cry from her hugs. Better than none. Not going to look for a replacement hug giver either. Wrong on to many levels.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Let's see. My S needed some help with her broken power chair. The motors seized up and she needed help getting it loaded to go in for repair. How she expects to live in a class "C" motor home...
After loading the power chair, I cooked supper. Breaded some pork chops with a mix I tossed together. I included some cinnamon in the breading. My only mistake was to not butterfly the chops. Served with some green beans and a bit of pasta salad... good stuff. Did the dishes too.
W was home when I got there. Sorting through a bag of clothes. She can end this. I wonder if her pride is preventing even trying one more time. Yeah, mind reading.
Kind of resolved the "am I doing this for her or me" as far as church and the gym. I like the changes in me. Yeah, sore body but a good sore.
Praying for both of us. More to follow His plan over my desired end.
Still reading DejaVu6 and others.
Wonder if an apology would ease my mind. Not sure how she would view it.
Yeah, still would take her back now. After time.... don't know.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Meeting a buddy I've known from junior high for burgers at my favorite local Irish sports pub for his birthday.
Feel guilty W didn't allow a chance on her birthday, but that is on her. Because I would have loved to do something. A nice dinner or something. She did let it out I didn't get her a cake. Cake... if you aren't home and not talking to me, my failure to mind read is not on me.
Younger D has her birthday tomorrow. I will treat her to dinner or pizza. Her choice. Former boss tomorrow too. He gets a call. Weird... maybe but he puts in a good reference for me on job applications.
Speaking of... looking... on top of everything else going on. Tough. I need a little more stability right now. We shall see.
Had a Guinness this weekend with game night friends. One of them... that was his first beer ever. Over 30 so interesting...
More later. Still praying, working on me. She was at the gym after I got there. Saw her running on the treadmill. Took a wrecking ball to whatever I had built up. Intentional or not... Finished my workout and she hers. For me.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
I've been thinking all day (okay, really between testing equipment) about inviting Mrs. Turbine to join us. Haven't though as much as I'd want to.
Wouldn't be very GAL would it.
Since she has no intention of remaining or anything else.... would be pointless.
Moving.... just not feeling it to be progress.
My MiL wants me to take her to see oldest D and grand daughters. W should be doing this, needs to talk to her Mother. I'd give a whole lot to do just that. With either of my parents or her Dad. By the end of May she should be in the Philippines again, likely for good considering her age. Not a happy thought for me. I will miss her too.
Some of this seems so MLC and some is so WAW.
I feel I will burn my arm to the shoulder carrying this torch some days. How do I drop it because I am already burned.
God, looks like a long conversational prayer tonight. Long and rambling.
Thanks for reading all.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Keep GAL Turbine. Keep it going. Enjoy the time with MIL. Celebrate the small things. Visiting children, keeping busy, working, going to church, hanging with the gaming friends, this is life... W is only one aspect of that. Don't let it be the main one that interferes with all other aspects of your life. Keep going and live life.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Thing is she is the centerpiece in my mind and heart. The rest... all around her. What good is it to have the house she wanted and move to a smaller one she would have picked and now won't happen short a miracle?
I'm not in a good mood this morning and it is temporary. I paid the mortgage and it would have been on time. Payment was refused. So now I have to call the mortgage company and go to the bank at lunchtime.
Keep trying Turbine... the end is near. End of what? Foxtrotting terminally stupid monster got some reinforcements and I feel like I'm loosing ground.
I still love her. Haven't dropped the rope or apparently any of the rest of whatever I should be doing to DB. Really want a hug from her.
Maybe time to pack her stuff for her. I would be careful with her stuff although many wouldn't.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Burger night with my buddy was good. We don't catch up as often and it was good to get together. Yeah, we talked about my sitch. He was in my wedding and I in his. This conversation was far more up beat than the last one over burgers. Still not the news I want to deal with but it is what it is right now.
Saturday Mrs. Turbine and I worked on the house a little bit. Lots of her saying the hurtful stuff. Lots of me validating but not as much as I should. May have hurt my case too. Had a few times where I had to leave the room and get things back in control.
Lots of not getting back together because she is being nice. There was a maybe in there though with later.
Why not put this on pause Mrs. Turbine? Why does it have to be done? I love you, I want no other. However this is a bridge that may only be one way if you have your doubts later.
This morning I saw her wedding dress in the living room. The dress I paid for and she brought with from the Philippines. More hurt. I have no use for it and why save it? Memories? I have pictures and what is in my head. This is still so hard for me. It seems like she threw a switch and BAM... done. I know that isn't true but it sure feels like it.
Still going to the gym, Dr. had a few thoughts I will share with my coach/trainer.
My head and my heart say don't quit. Getting lots of advice to do that though. I want to keep fighting though. And that right there may be why I will loose her. I can't or won't let go.
I am praying. Not sure I understand the answer I am getting back. That seems like a discussion to have with my minister.
Very stream posting here so this will hopefully clear my head a bit.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
