Thanks guys. I think I realise there are no magic bullets in this, but was curious to see if there was anything else I should be doing to be sending a stronger signal that her being in an A and lying to everyone around her about it is not ok.
For example, she's told me that it may take her at least 2 months to find a place to move out to due to budget constraints. I'm not sure if I should be pushing harder for her to be out by a certain date - I would certainly like her to be out sooner because she's cake eating whilst being home.
LH, on kids, you're right. I think its a blessing and a curse. I do think not having kids has made it easier in her mind to rationalise her actions. It should also be easier for me to walk away, but I'm not sure I'm there yet. All I know is that 6 months ago we were trying. Would it have changed things if we were expecting? Or is it a massive bullet dodged? I don't know.
Sorry to hear about you guys trying and it didn't happen. Consider it a massive bullet dodged. Not only for you two but for the child. For most my life I've grown up without a father figure and there were some hard lessons I learned. I used to wonder what happened and if I was not good enough. My mother never told me the truth. This past summer I took a DNA test. I'm not what my mother has told me all my life. I confronted her about it months ago and she kept saying sorry...
I am trying to shelter my son from a lot of what I had to go through and it kills me that this is happening between W and I mostly because of the kids. I've had friends who were from split homes, I've known divorced men and women with kids and I've seen kids growing up now in split homes and it is always the same. My best friend is dating a lady with a girl who is a teen now. He's been dating the lady for years and her daughter is just now finding the courage to talk to him and let him know how much she hated him all these years. It breaks him. She told him he will never be her father but she still respects him. She still wishes her parents got back together. And here I am almost in tears by this. I reckon I'm partial to it. And there are people out there perfectly fine not having children or never wanting them.
I was like you in the beginning, I think for many of us it starts out like that. Divorce Remedy, right... how to save your marriage! You want to find the answers and turn it around. And turn it around fast.
She already knows that lying to everyone is not okay and that being in the A is not okay. If you want to stand, you set your boundaries and give it time and space.
Not having kids may make it easier but the choice is the same. My W chose to do what she did with kids involved. I don't care if they slowly crawled to that line or rushed and jumped over it, the fact of the matter is the same.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Thank you Adam, and I'm so sorry to hear about your past. I'm sure you're a stronger man for everything that has shaped you so far.
W messaged my siblings today. She and my younger sister are very close, as she's known my sister since she was 4.
In her message she asks if they might meet up with her to hear her side of the story, that she hasn't cheated and would never do such a thing.
I've told my siblings that they have every right to meet her if they'd like, and I wouldn't prevent them from doing so.
My father's 60th is coming up this weekend and will be a big party with many extended family and friends. I'm dreading going as I know there'll be lots of questions. I don't think I'll invite her, as my father says he doesn't want to see her at this stage.
In more positive GAL news. Going to the gym over the past couple of weeks and watching my diet somewhat has resulted in a 2kg weight loss.
My father's 60th is coming up this weekend and will be a big party with many extended family and friends. I'm dreading going as I know there'll be lots of questions. I don't think I'll invite her, as my father says he doesn't want to see her at this stage.
Today a few of my best friends, and groomsmen to our wedding, (and subsequently mutual friends of the W) reached out to me to let me know that the W had texted them to ask if they'd catch up with her.
In the texts she says that I am angry because I think she's been cheating, and that she would never do that.
Other than to try clear her name, I'm not sure what her intentions are. Either way I told each of my friends that they can meet with her if they so choose. It's completely up to them if they are comfortable doing so or not.
Perhaps she's going to try play the victim card? That I was controlling, jealous of her friendships, and kicking her out on unfair grounds?
I wonder how and if she'll explain her booking the trip and keeping that a secret from me, if she mentions it at all.
Today a few of my best friends, and groomsmen to our wedding, (and subsequently mutual friends of the W) reached out to me to let me know that the W had texted them to ask if they'd catch up with her.
In the texts she says that I am angry because I think she's been cheating, and that she would never do that.
Other than to try clear her name, I'm not sure what her intentions are. Either way I told each of my friends that they can meet with her if they so choose. It's completely up to them if they are comfortable doing so or not.
Perhaps she's going to try play the victim card? That I was controlling, jealous of her friendships, and kicking her out on unfair grounds?
I wonder how and if she'll explain her booking the trip and keeping that a secret from me, if she mentions it at all.
Of course she won't explain her booking the trip and keeping it a secret. That isn't what WWs do. They will spin it anyway they can. My W made it seem as if her EA was insignificant. They tell themselves that the marital problems have NOTHING to do with stepping outside of the marriage. "Our marriage was already over." They lie to themselves, and thus to others. So don't expect her to come clean about anything. More than likely this is her rallying campaign to garner support.
However, Kwan, I am sure you would admit you have been far from the perfect H. So don't make it all about her either. While most WWs don't complain until they have found their new Plan A, there is some truth in what they are saying. Affairs typically are the symptom of deeper problems in the MR. So own your own bad behavior in the marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Other than to try clear her name, I'm not sure what her intentions are.
Damage control.
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Either way I told each of my friends that they can meet with her if they so choose. It's completely up to them if they are comfortable doing so or not.
I would actually discourage them from talking to her. Just tell them the two of you are having problems and working on things and that you would rather they not intervene. If they choose to, then tell them you do not want to hear about their conversations with her.
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Perhaps she's going to try play the victim card? That I was controlling, jealous of her friendships, and kicking her out on unfair grounds?
Probably. It doesn't really change anything though.
Steve, I certainly do think about all the ways I contributed to our MR breakdown. I've identified that I was too much of a nice guy, put her on a pedestal, needed her instead of wanting her, got too comfortable etc. I'm working on identifying these things and applying 180's on them.
Having said that, I've also accepted that the reason she became WW was mostly due to her own personal issues. She's having a full blown existential crisis and our MR is the collateral damage. I think forgiving myself for not being the cause of her actions is helping me heal.
AnotherStander, you're right. Either way what she says doesn't matter. I know the reason for the separation, and I journaled the exact details of how things went down whilst they were still fresh in my mind.
I'll never forget about the blatant lies she told me to my face when I confronted her that night. That's when I truly realised my W was a different person.
