I just realized last night after reading other people’s stitch and stuff what I was doing wrong in the relationship. I was Being controlling. I was clingy and needy. I had or have a fear of abandonment. She even mentioned a while back that I was too smothering. I also always accused her of wanting to be with other people. She claims recently that this was the first tome she has ever cheated on me. I pushed her there by being controlling and feeling like she was going to abandon me. That is what I need to work on as well as staying sober.
We are all far from perfect .. I'd say we all contributed to what made our spouses do what they did. That doesnt excuse them or mean they should just give up though or cheat etc. This is why we need to learn from our mistakes and work on self growth.
I am def guilty of being needy, clingy. I never thought that wanting to always be with your spouse was a bad thing, I love her and wanna be with her. I thought that just meant i loved her more then anything and we were best friends. Now i realize I was attached to her . That made her feel smothered , controlled i guess. That is also what im working on. I gave up alcohol years and years ago but that was easy cause i never had a drinking problem , just drank sometimes for social gatherings. You can do it .
Anthony if she brings it up just tell her to do what she thinks is right and leave it at that. If she talks about how she feels about separation then you validate her feelings. How many times have you read the validation thread? I think it would help you immensely.
Emotion and logic don't jive too well. She is in a very emotional state, and you are too. Remember, her separating or divorcing is out of your control, and you trying to talk her out of either isn't probably just going to push her away. The best thing you can do is really stop pursuing. Do you know what pursuit is? Michele Weiner Davis lists a pursuit behaviors in Divorce Remedy. Have you bought Divorce Remedy yet and read it? I imagine you are still pursuing a lot, right? Is that working or does it seems like your W is ready to walk out the door?
You haven't responded to my two posts about the LRT, buddy you are there. You need to implement the LRT now. The single best thing I did was implement the LRT last May. It made my sitch better and it gave me the space to start healing and to settle down. You still want the magic words that will bring her back, but it's really more of an attitude and mindset change that will help you bring her back. And even then, she's a human capable of all sorts of choices, and it is up to her to come back. You need to learn to respect that too.
What's on your GAL schedule?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I went out last night with my brother. The dr and DB books should arrive today. I am also going to go get codependent no more at the library. I have tried looking for the lrt but can’t find it. Assuming it is in the DR or DB books.
I have read the validation site and dos or donts about 2 to 3 times a day. Easier said than done. Hard to GAL with three young kids but trying.
AA, none of this is easy. Then again nothing worthwhile is easy. That is why we tell people to not get discouraged if they aren't good at it at first. No one is. It takes effort. It take practice. It takes learning from mistakes.
Remember, you can't change what happened before, all you can do is strive to be better from this point forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So i realize that I have been pursuing still...didn't realize that until yesterday. I stayed away from her and only answered to things about the kids. I am implementing the LRT as best I can. Almost done reading the Codependent No More book. The DB and DR books arrived in the mail last night. I have them to read next. To read them and look to GAL at the same time, I may go to the library to get out of the house. I know I need to do other fun things. I have never been a reader. But this allows me to get out of the house and be able to read on how to implement my changes in my life better.
I have an IC appointment today so I can start working on my clinginess, controlling, etc.
My question when it relates to controlling. I know I can not control her or her actions. However, I can control what I do. I think I have been appeasing her too much still. Picking up her prescription. Cooking her food. If she brings up the discussion about separating, I will tell her to do what she feels is right. Is that the time to say when you make your decision, we can talk about living arrangements here (if she stays). I want to move back into the MBR. She talked about moving to spare bedroom. To be honest, I have been sleeping on this foam pad (we had just gotten rid of the old queen bed that was in there. She mentioned before of buying a bed for in there. If she moves out of the MBR and into the spare, should I give in to buy a bed for in there. or Just ignore it if she mentions it?
As I am writing this, I just got an email from her (I have not texted her or emailed her at all since the stuff I showed you yesterday), It just says that she hopes my therapy session goes well and see me this evening. I know it is early but that is progress that she is temp checking me. I have not responded yet but I may respond back "Thank you" and end it at that. Your thoughts? Or should I not respond at all.
I think it is funny that I got an email from her this morning. She woke me up in my room in the middle of the night. One of my daughters had a tummy ache and had woken her up. She opened my door and just asked me if they had their medicine on Friday (medical issue with both Ds that trying to be resolved). I just said I do not know and she made some snarky remark and closed the door. The old me would have gotten up and assisted. If my D issues was really bad, I would have gotten up. But I knew this was a moment that I was not needed (the kids will go to either one of us depending on the need). Since the D went to her this time, I just went back to bed. That is why I think it is funny that she sent the email this morning. She was mad and I didn't appease or try to assist. Just went back to sleep.
Here is the rule: When she texts or emails, only answer direct questions. Informational texts and emails need no response. When responding to her questions do so on YOUR time (IE not always right away), and then in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If it´s something about the kids you need to be there. Remember that. So you gave her a valid reason to be upset with you...You need to get into amoafwl. And that man takes care of the kids if it´s somekind of emergency and is asked to.
You need to detach. Read how to do it. Take the time to read the books and the posts here. It´s a marathon, remember that.
Time and patience.
Stay strong A!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
If it´s something about the kids you need to be there. Remember that. So you gave her a valid reason to be upset with you...You need to get into amoafwl. And that man takes care of the kids if it´s somekind of emergency and is asked to.
Last night was not really an emergency. She was just upset because she does not like when the kids wake up in the middle of the night. If it was an emergency (ie. vomiting) I would have been there. All she needed was some medication and she was back in bed.
Also, she didn't ask for any help. She just asked if they had their meds on Friday night. This was last night. So she did not ask me to get up and do anything.
Here is the rule: When she texts or emails, only answer direct questions. Informational texts and emails need no response. When responding to her questions do so on YOUR time (IE not always right away), and then in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
^^^^^^This!!!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
