BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Thanks for the warning, and I am not going to be spending time with my ex like this on a monthly basis by any means, however it was time, and it felt right to do it for the kids, and it went really well, no arguments, no discussions, just a nice day with the most important thing in the world as our focus, the kids.
For people reading my "adventure", I can say, something that really made me see my former companion and her choices for what they were was something that became clear to me, in a moment were I wasn't even searching for it. Basically I had a phone, that was filled with pictures of us as a family, and those pictures, are of great value to me, despite the fact that the family is no longer intact. So I was setting up an online photo bank, so the kids can have the pictures when they get older. I didn't want them on my phone anymore, and part of me "releasing" myself, was to get this sorted.
The strangest thing happened, because I was going through the pictures, and I ended up at a date where we went to a theme park a couple of months before the "im not in love with you and we should end it" talk. I saw pictures of a family, joy, happiness, smiles that were really genuine, and just overall it reminded me, that her saying how unhappy she has been for the past 6 years and nothing had been good in our relationship, were based on something else.
I realized, that this most likely was never about her unhappiness on a scale that large, that it was not someting that could be worked out, and there are a multitude of pictures from family outings, that back that up right up until she was very suddenly done with everything. Fact of the matter is that she simply just chose screw another man, and that was her decision to make, and that made it so easy for me to say "nah, im good over here, enjoy life over there".
I spent countless nights thinking of how things went so wrong, and how I should had been something more. There are of course a multitude of things that could had been better, but thats how relationships evolve and progress, together as two with communication as the tool. Realizing that she took the first exit on the highway when it presented itself in the form of something new, was just the kick I needed to be where I am today.
Pictures are sorted, phone is empty, ready for new memories. And the digital albums are backed up and will be there for my kids when they want to see them.
Life is good these days .
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
I find myself to have come to a complete acceptance of many things about my life, were I was and where I am going. I do daily slip in my thoughts, but its on such a minimal scale, that it doesnt affect my job, my mental state or my social life in general, so I have that going for me, and that is improving on a daily basis.
Status for me is: We are still taking turns to stay in our house with our kids (7 days each). We do not communicate unless it is regarding financials (house) or matters regarding the kids that needs both of our attention. <-- I feel better if this is how we do for now. This is a work in progress as I am in a place, where I have accepted that she is in love, and wants another live, that does not involve me anymore - however me and her are not quite on the same page here. She believes we are to be friends (down the line, maybe) but the way I was treated, the way she ruined the family, the betrayal. That will take me a long time to heal from and forgive.
I do not make contact anymore, and only see her once a week, when I pick up the kids for gym. She is contacting me on a daily basis, and sends pictures of the kids. I dont respond, although I would lie, if I said I am not glad to receive pictures of my two little angels.
I have a source of intel that I use rarely to make sure nothing ugly is coming my way ( a lot has, so I am precautious here). And her actions does not align with her words - let me elaborate on that.
Basically we are getting money refunded from chiropractor sessions for S1, however these money are refunded to my ex's account through insurance. I told her the other day, that when the money are refunded, they need to be transferred into the mutual account (house expenses) - I said, that I am sure she would do that on her own, but I just wanted to say it, in case she forgot about them. She took it fine, and said she would of course. A couple of days ago she got an offer for an apartment, that was very close to her new boyfriend, and as the house has not yet sold, I made use of my aforementioned intel source, so that I am not suddenly stuck with the house payments because she accepts an offer, and just leaves her old life behind. I am sure, that thought is valid given her actions in the period from start till now.
She didn't accept the offer, however there was a notification telling that 150 usd would be deposited from the insurance (chiropractor), that was 4 days ago, and that money still hasn't been transferred, and most likely won't be. So, if I do confront this, she will know that I have a source of intel, that I am not really that keen on giving up, since it gives me the upper hand on things until the house sells. So what is my choice then? basically I just know now, that she is lying, manipulating and can't be trusted. On the outside she really seems to want things to work, and on the inside, its all about her. I had hoped that the co-parenting arrangement could be one of trust, but that is not in the cards.
She sent me a text earlier this week, asking if we could do some more marketing for the house, because D5 had mentioned many times now, that she couldn't wait to be living in the city, so what the plans were?
I felt utterly disgusted by the fact that she made this look like its for the kids sake and just answered "This is your project, you have the number for the real estate broker." <-- Didn't receive any reply.
So, to sum things up:
I am in a good spot, at last, and seeing how easily my former love decided to unhinge herself from me, and latch on to a new person was the most devastating thing ever, but also what in the end made me realize, that this is game over. She has moved on, and so will I and my kids.
I dont know what the future will bring. I know that the person I loved dearly for 13 years, is in love, and she is happy with this new guy. The way they went about getting together was horrible, but I live in the present, and the past is the past. They will live with their choices, and the effects they have caused - I will move on to greater things. I hope she finds her happiness, and I fear that she will come running back if she does not, so I am pacing myself in a steady direction 180 degrees the opposite of hers, so I can withstand her, emotional, should she make a turn towards me. I dont want her to right now, and maybe never again. I dont trust her, I dont like her actions, and although she is beautiful, its only a facade.
I am getting my kids today, and I LOOK so much forward to it.
/hurt
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Buddy you are spinning again.You are taking steps back! This post is all about her.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
She believes we are to be friends (down the line, maybe) but the way I was treated, the way she ruined the family, the betrayal. That will take me a long time to heal from and forgive.
Hurt this is on you. You went to the amusement park and gymnastics together giving her the impression that you were ok being friends. I think you were hoping doing fun family things would change her mind and when you figured out it won't you are now like I don't want to be friends anymore.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
I made use of my aforementioned intel source, so that I am not suddenly stuck with the house payments because she accepts an offer, and just leaves her old life behind. I am sure, that thought is valid given her actions in the period from start till now.
Talk to your lawyer and see what your options are if this happens.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
I hope she finds her happiness, and I fear that she will come running back if she does not, so I am pacing myself in a steady direction 180 degrees the opposite of hers, so I can withstand her, emotional, should she make a turn towards me.
I think your BSing yourself here Hurt. If not, why would you fear it? After all she has put you through you would love to have a chance to say "thanks but no thanks. I have moved on!
Come on man! Back on the horse and keep moving forward.
I needed that, and I needed to go hammer 2 hours at the gym, so I did, and then picked up my kids. I got the worlds biggest hug, and am just online now because we are having a pizza party for 3 and im just about to place the order.
Cucumbers and carrots with dipping for later, and then we are gonna play till they drop on the floor.
Tomorrow we hare gonna hit the swimming pool, and the weather is supposed to be great, so I think we will be playing outside afterwards, and then I can get a couple of minor things done to the house so its more presentable sales wise.
Thank you for the 2x4's - I do spin, and I do feel like a tool, when I look at the reasons because, I am SO much better than I ever was, and I deserve SO much more than what I was given in my time of need and now I am on my journey towards that.
Being the best I can be, mentally, physically and as a dad, then the pieces will fall into place in due time.
Last edited by Hurt213; 02/22/1903:42 PM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
It's been a great day, and I managed to get the stuff done around the house that needed maintenance. Me and the kids had a really great day, and decided to push going swimming for tomorrow, and then we mostly was outside for the entire day, as the weather was b e a u t i f u l !
Kids are nearly a sleep on the couch now after having had dinner (paprika chicken with cream mashed potatoes - they love it!)
I was just making their bedrooms ready for the night (we had an cowboy invasion in d5s room, so there was some cleaning up to do after the "battle") when d5 came with my phone and said I had gotten a message because it said a sound.
So I got two texts from my ex who basically asked how the day had been for us, and if I had taken any pictures I could send to her.
Heres the catch - I from aforementioned intel option, that she is on a date with her new guy, and I can feel I am not detached, because I found that disrespectful to check in like that.
So heres the deal really:
1. She is a good mother, and she is just checking in on the kids, and I guess thats nice to know, that she cares deeply about them, and miss them when they are not around. That was not really the case in the beginning of her new love adventure.
2. She treated me so bad, and disrespected me, used me to her own advantages, lied and manipulated me, and in time I guess #1 applies, and I won't bother about her asking about the kids when she is with the OM, however! I am definitely not there, and found it really really disrespectful, even though she doesnt know that I know where she is.
I didnt, and am not going to respond to her text, unless advised differently by you guys.
Am I bat sh.t crazy or does my logic make sense? It might be me who is unreasonable, but fk I feel like NGS kicking in if I reply to that.
/h
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
That’s a tough one Hurt. If it were me, I would respond because she asked you a question about the kids. I would keep it short. “Yes, good day” and “no pictures” and leave it at that. Not responding to a direct question, IMO, is passive aggressive. Yes she did all those things and the check in is only disrespectful because you know what she is doing. If you didn’t have a spy, you wouldn’t. Honestly...she is going to do what she is going to do and you can’t control that. You can control the flow of info that is only going to fuel your hurt and anger in the end and keep you tied to her emotionally. If you are committed to keeping things amicable when it comes to coparenting your children, I would try to limit the amount of intel you are privy to and focus on you GAL activities and spending quality time with your kids. Others may have different advice, IDK, but that is how I see things.
I think a lot of the problem is you are confusing your ex. One minute you want to feed her cake and play happy family with her and the next minute you are ignoring her texts.
You have to decide where you stand. You are obviously not detached because you spin almost daily now. The best way to detach is time, space and stop the Intel BS. Kids finances short answers. She will get the hint eventually.
The longer you try to play happy family the longer it will take you to detach and you will suffer.
Hurt - Probably too late now, but I agree with DV.
I would have responded along the lines of "Kids had a good day. All tucked up now" and leave it at that. Short and to the point with no opportunity for continuing the text chain.
Your W might have been a rubbish mum. She might have torched your past and did (is doing) some unspeakable things but she is still their mother. If she takes the time to ask about them, then as hard as it is to do then you should send something back. It is not your job to build bridges between her and your children. But it is your job, as a father to at least support her if she wants to have a relationship with the children.
My H is away with the children on holidays at the moment in Mauritius. It hurts like hell. This is somewhere we go in Feb every two years or so. Each day they have been away he has sent me pictures of the children swimming, paragliding, eating etc. He is never in the pictures and there is never a lot of commentary. Just short facts: "D12 enjoying the pool", "view from the room" etc. I never respond to these texts other than to say thanks. At night he sends me a short text saying they are back in the room if I want to call. He never speaks to me during these nightly calls but I can hear him in the background reminding them of things they did that day so they can tell me. This is not cake eating. He can be a [censored] of a H, but he is a good father.
Don't encourage but don't discourage. This is the high road. It is tough because it requires you to put your own feelings to the side.
PS - this doesn't mean I in anyway think you should be having family days out or meals together. If your emotions are still tied to her emotions, then minimize the time you spend together. I just think that texts about the kids get responses.
.