Hope all of you are hanging in there, and taking care of you, because you and your kids, if such exists, are all that matters. Be happy that you are alive, and dont waste your time mind reading, sobbing and trying to fix your walk away spouse, its not your job. That is entirely on them.
So accept the gift of life, instead of wasting it being a victim of your own mental prison.
Today I got the kids, and for the next 7 days, I am gonna enjoy life to the fullest, because a smile from one of those two little munchkins, can light up my day like nothing else in this world. And in 7 days, when they go to their mothers, guess what, I am gonna enjoy life, because then I have time for me, time to do what I want to do, and I am embracing that.
Did I ask for this? nope? Can I change it? nope? life happens Can I 180 on bad behavioral patterns and be an even better version of my self, a human and a father that I feel proud to turn into? absolutely. Can I find happiness again? I am beginning to think, that I am actually starting to feel happy, and I dont really need a woman in my life in order to be happy. It will of course be nice to have a partner to share life with and share the ups and the lows, but I am content with the fact, that I am perfectly capable of BEING and LIVING on my own. I dont fear the future, I embrace it, and thats honestly a great feeling.
Have the best weekend possible - And to those of you, who are spinning or riding the rollercoaster on a low, you are in my prayers and my thoughts are with you. Remember the coaster can only go low for so long.... eventually it will seek towards the skies again. Emotions are temporary, logic is the way to go about this. Practice logic, and let emotions pass through you, and then, you will end up being fine. You already are fine, you just have to realize, that fine can exist perfectly well without your WAW/WW in your life.
/H
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
I have dropped the rope (well I've tossed it to be exact).
I have been doing some really good progress with my IC lately, and have acknowledged the fact, that I matter. <-- This might sound like something ordinary, but I have really struggled with my selfesteem, and also with being happy with me as an individual. This has two major components tied to it:
1. My depression really screwed me up when it comes to positive mental attitude, self-esteem and being okay as an individual.
2. The way I was cheated on, lied to and completely disregarded as a human being by my ex, really made me think even less about my self and my capability as an individual..
I am way better today, I am in the shape of my life, me and my kids have new habbits in this new life of ours, and I have very little interaction with my ex.
I am continuing to work with my IC, and will for a long way to come, because, I am better now, however, I still feel like I am on thin ice from time to time, and I feel like I am learning all over to be who I used to be. A happy content, upbeat and social guy, who excelled at sports and loved life. I want to be there again, so I am working hard, although I am taking my time, patience is key for me.
I don't want my ex back because of how I was treated, and because I see a pattern in her actions. A woman that completely disrespected me, and still does from time to time when she doesnt get her way. A woman that put her two small kids needs completely aside, and does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. I deserve more, and so does my kids.
I dont have a need for such a person on my life, but she is, and I acknowledge the fact that she is the mother of my kids, and I will co-parent with her for many years to come, however that is it.
I will demand respect, by that I mean, I will speak up if she talks down to me, or treats me with any form of disrespect. She is no longer my spouse, and I have no intentions of letting her getting away with disrespecting me no more than I would let the clerk in the supermarket disrespect me. I am better than that.
So I have a question:
My D5 is really having a hard time with saying goodbye in daycare these days. She will cry, and hold onto me tight. Its new, and she hasn't done this before, and I can't but help think that it is because she only has one parent at a time.
I blame my ex, because she is making my daughter hurt, and that makes me hurt. I was frustrated this morning in the car because of it. I know, that I am not going to get anywhere by talking with my ex about this, so I comfort my daughter to the best of my ability.
Just for the record, I will NEVER talk their mother down in front of them. She is their world just as much as I am, and our problems are not theirs to deal with nor participate in.
Am I going about this the right way?
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
My D5 is really having a hard time with saying goodbye in daycare these days. She will cry, and hold onto me tight. Its new, and she hasn't done this before, and I can't but help think that it is because she only has one parent at a time.
This is not at all unusual for someone her age. It happened with both of our D's (different times, but around the same age) even though we were happily married at the time. We talked to a counselor and were advised not to make a big show when leaving them at daycare, just hug them, tell them you love them and will see them later and then leave no matter how dramatic the display they make. What happens 99% of the time is as soon as you are gone the crying stops and they are off doing stuff with their friends. If you linger then you are sending them the message that if they pitch a fit they get to keep you there a little longer, thus making the problem worse. So we did as advised and after a week or two they both stopped with the fits.
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I blame my ex, because she is making my daughter hurt, and that makes me hurt. I was frustrated this morning in the car because of it. I know, that I am not going to get anywhere by talking with my ex about this, so I comfort my daughter to the best of my ability.
When things like this come up, don't seek to assign blame, seek solutions. The bottom line is you are assuming it has to do with your breakup when it may just be your D acting like a 5-year-old. If you really think it has to do with the break-up then get D in counseling. Also talk to the daycare, explain the situation and ask them to watch for signs that she may need counseling.
Thanks for the feedback, it was really helpful. I came home late tonight (late day at work and gym afterwards, since its ex'es weekly visit day with the kids, so there was no reason for me to be at home).
I came in and made the kids ready for bed, and then told her that it was alright for her to leave now, since I was about to tug in the kids. I asked her this weekend, if It was possible for me to hit the gym after work on her visit day - however she informed me she had plans, and that was not possible. I managed to squeeze it in, in the timeframe she provided.
It was fine actually, a month ago I would be annoyed about her rejecting to stay an hour longer, however its my time with the kids, so I can't expect that, and I made it work, so thats really great - personal growth .
I have a question, because I dont really feel anything when I look at her, Im just empty, and maybe im overloaded, but I j just get so very tired when she is present. I do however conduct myself with grace. I have no intentions for smalltalk of any sorts, and I go about my business when she is around - she is there to visit the kids, and she has a new life with a new man, and I dont want anything to do with that, and I think she realizes, if not, it doesnt really matter - it is what it is.
So the question: She was packing stuff to take for the rest of the week to wherever she is going, and then she began telling me about the daycare schedule for the rest of the week, and were pacifiers could be found for S2 and all practical stuff. So heres the thing... It really annoyed me and I am not sure if I am reading into it the wrong way. I see two scenarios here:
1. She just wants to be helpful and co-parent to the best of her ability. 2. She dont think I have anything under control and wants to make sure everything is under control.
I guess I reacted a bit, but I stopped her, and told her (no voice raised or anything), just told her, that I had everything covered, and if not, then me and the kids could surely figure it out for ourselves.
She said "eh... okay whatever" with a low pitch, and I dont think I am reading into anything if I say, that she was annoyed by it.
Thoughts? Just to clarify: I dont care if she gets annoyed, pissed or anything with me - that boat has sailed. However, If I am reading into things in the wrong way, and misconduct myself because of it, then I want to learn, so we can co-parent in the best way possible.
I just feel like she is going around in the same circle (telling me what, when and how, just as when we were together), and frankly, I found that to be very invasive.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Hurt213 I think it's their maternal instinct., as a father you can give them all the reason in the world to trust you by your actions and they still won't completely trust you. My WAS on my IHS has been challenging my parental abilities for the last 2 months and most of the last year. I think that one mothers go through separation, and or divorces they redirect their love on to the child what they used to provide to the husband. Some fathers like myself do the same, as I know I've become more affectionate with our son as a result. About five times in the last two weeks I had to put my wife's perspective in check on how I'm handling our son, that's just because it's not her way it doesn't necessarily make it wrong.
My wife is also a teacher and a behavior specialist so she does have a lot of qualified background, but I think she still goes overboard with her "qualifications" basically she gets paid $60,000 a year to offer opinions to people and education plan, for children with behavioral problems in the classroom supporters on the autism spectrum and other issues.
Just this last weekend it was my weekend to have our son. Sometimes our son gets into a phase where he is either looking for attention from one of the adults and he will forcibly show it by turning our chins towards him forcibly with his hands to get us to look at him., or he will throw a tantrum if he cannot find a distraction such as toys nearby that satisfy him so he'll run around the house and keep looking for distractions to satisfy him. Usually the distractions do the trick, tv, toys, parental attention, etc, but when he gets to the point where nothing satisfies him, he throws tantrums. So I did an experiment intuitively. The irony of all this is my wife and I agree that bad behavior shouldn't be rewarded but ignored. My wife is a walking hypocrite of everything in our marital history even parenting, but she doesn't trust my ability to parent from my school of tough love. Ironically, she doesn't practice what she preaches at home. My wife has no issue ignoring his cries when she puts him down to sleep and she says walk out of the room and ignore him and he'll fall asleep and it works. But when I put him in his playpen for a timeout while he's throwing a tantrum I'm the bad guy.
I wanted to ensure that he didn't get to the habit of throwing a tantrum every time he wants something. When he reached that point I put him in his playpen and I let him cry it out, and she objected. my argument is our sun is just starting to come into his emotions and he knows what power he has with them. Her argument is he's just a year-and-a-half he doesn't know what he's doing. which I will agree with to a certain extent I let him cry it out for about 10 minutes until he stopped and then I took them out of the playpen and he was acting just fine after that. then we played together and had a ton of laughs. But apparently I'm the one that's emotionally and socially awkward and inept and emotionally abusive, according to the rewrite of our marital history from the WAS. As long as you are not neglecting your child's needs and meeting all of their needs while also properly and judicially disciplining them raise them your way on your time, and take a stand on it. If the other spouse disagrees come to some type of resolution reasonably otherwise do it your way, because their maternal Instinct and they're hurt from the dissolving marriage they will fight against you no matter what you do.
Thank you very much for that insightful post - I am, knowing my ex, going to assume that she is merely trying to co-parent, and thats fine, however I am going to stand firm on the fact, that small day to day stuffs such as groceries and what not, are not things I have a need for her to co-parent on. If I go down that road, we will stay attached in a way in which I have no desire.
One of the things that my IC and I have talked a lot about, is my self worth. The fact that she and OM openly made a plan (I saw the text string on FB), for how to stab me in the back at our MC session, and that had been planned for weeks while they had multiple physical encounters, is the biggest betrayal anyone ever has and probably ever will do to me. Yet I was so low on self-esteem, and so scared of standing on my own, and fighting for my beliefs, that I was ready to let that all slip under a blanket, and continue on my merry way, had she chosen to. <-- Thad would had been a fuchin disaster eventually.
I think, the reason I am struggling with the co-parenting boundaries, are because today I realize, what actually went down. How little it took, for her to drop the rope on her family and 13 years. Having only been back working for 3 months from maternity leave, she began a PA with a coworker. And with my "new" eyes, I simply pity her. I have realized, that my problems were my demons to work with, and I did, however, she has some major issues on her own, and they are hers to fight with, if she ever realises.
I realize, how badly I was treated, discarded and dumped on the street, when I was at my lowest, and needed her love the most. And yes, I know it must have been terrible to be with a partner that is going through depression, but even if that ment we had to part ways, it definitely did not justify the way she went about it.
So struggling comes down to the fact that 1. we co-parent, and we will be good at it, for our kids sakes, no question. 2. I feel like she feels justified with her decisions, and she is perfectly in her right to do so (can't change another person), however I see it differently, and I dont want to come off rude (again f*** her feelings really, but I dont want to harm our co-parenting relationship for the kids sake), however I need some advice on some good boundaries / sentences that will allow me to make it perfectly clear, that 1. we are in this for the best of our kids, so they can have a great life with good rolemodels. 2. Thats all I want from you, and other than that, I really have no wish for you being in my life, the way you treated me.
I hope it makes sense.
D5 cried again today in daycare, and I took the advice of leaving, and stood in the hallway, and she stopped within a minute, so that was really helpful, even though I am a soft dad, cause it stung handing her over when she was so upset.
Last edited by Hurt213; 03/12/1907:50 AM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Hurt213. You are a good father. Everything you are doing reflects on such. I know it stings really bad to see daughter upset, all in the midst of feeling betrayed, and dealing with your own self worth and maintain your emotions of the situation around the kids. This is just my opinion, and even though i don't know you personally, I can relate in a sense. What you are doing to get through this right now is phenomenal. You are worth something as a man, you are moving forward with morals, values, and principles to be the best father you can be. You are protecting your children. To find an amicable solution on how to co parent, and maintain the moral high ground. Regardless of another person's betrayal, and issues. As far as maintaining boundaries with co parenting, for someone like myself who talks too much. I'm starting to realise silence is golden from what everyone is teaching me here, and less is more.
Try expressing your intentions to the WW on the sake of the kids, and leave it at that. If the WW crosses one of your moral boundaries, whether it pertains to you or your children, address it immediately. If you cannot address it immediately, write it down and plan a response for any future offence, and what the consequences will be if it occurs again, and be prepared to follow through with it. There really is no reason to add lib to a WW of your feelings of how she has treated you, and that you want nothing to do with her. It wouldnt have any impact other than to temporarily help you vent. If she gave two $h!ts about your feelings, she obviously wouldn't have commited these acts in the first place. It is up to you now, and your responsibility to deal with those feelings of betrayal and work through them and try to heal., what I'm trying to say in short is less is more.
Sure it makes sense Hurt. Your last post is a fair summary of your sitch. It´s good to see what you´ve achieved for the time being. You are moving forward man, working on yourself. W needs to do her own work when/if she wants. But you can´t be waiting for that.
You are there for your kids H, be proud of that. Be the healthy parent.
Keep strong there man, keep DB.
(((H)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I think, the reason I am struggling with the co-parenting boundaries, are because today I realize, what actually went down. How little it took, for her to drop the rope on her family and 13 years. Having only been back working for 3 months from maternity leave, she began a PA with a coworker. And with my "new" eyes, I simply pity her. I have realized, that my problems were my demons to work with, and I did, however, she has some major issues on her own, and they are hers to fight with, if she ever realises.
I realize, how badly I was treated, discarded and dumped on the street, when I was at my lowest, and needed her love the most. And yes, I know it must have been terrible to be with a partner that is going through depression, but even if that ment we had to part ways, it definitely did not justify the way she went about it.
Hurt you didn't realize this today, you have posted this several times and you just keep spinning this over and over. You went through a rough point in your life and when times got tough she bailed on you. Could you have been a better spouse, absolutely, we all could have been a better spouse. Forgive yourself and move forward.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
2. I feel like she feels justified with her decisions, and she is perfectly in her right to do so (can't change another person), however I see it differently, and I dont want to come off rude (again f*** her feelings really, but I dont want to harm our co-parenting relationship for the kids sake), however I need some advice on some good boundaries / sentences that will allow me to make it perfectly clear, that 1. we are in this for the best of our kids, so they can have a great life with good rolemodels. 2. Thats all I want from you, and other than that, I really have no wish for you being in my life, the way you treated me.
The problem is you are still afraid to hurt her feeling or make her mad. Again, you caused this by going to the amusement park together. One minute you act like its ok to be a family and then when you realize it's not changing anything, you get pi$$ed off and ask how you can make it clear that we are not a family anymore?
Before I answer your question, how is she trying to be in your life other then co-parenting? Give some specifics?
In general it is pretty easy to co-parent. You discuss kids and the logistics of the kids. Say hi when you see her and bye when she leaves. Say thank you when appropriate. Be cordial when in the same room together. That's about it.
Hurt you keep taking one step forward and then two steps back.
To a large extent it is normal for kids that age to have separation anxiety when you leave them at daycare. Both my kids use to cry when I left them at nursery and both would jump on my when I walked through the door at night - in fact, coming home was my favorite time of the day for just that very reason. But you are right, kids know when things are not right at home, no matter how hard we try and maintain civility and it is our job to try and minimize that change and make sure they feel loved and safe. Give them love and try and maintain a routine which includes taking them to childcare, giving them a hug, telling them you love them and will be back for them, and then leaving.
Your W isn't trying to tell you how to be a parent. She just doesn't want to leave them. So she fusses. She wants to make sure she is still needed. This isn't about you or about you and her, it is about her role as a mother. Do you know those scenes in movies when the parents take their kids to college for the first time and the mom starts to fuss and ask questions like "Do you have X?" or "Did you bring Y?". It's not about not trusting you with the kids. It's about not wanting to let them go.
I know it hurts because you see her wanting to be a mum when she was (is) such a terrible wife and all you can think about is the damage she's done but honestly, this is not about you. Show her you are not only a good dad, but also a good man. When she offers advice, thank her and say "It's ok, I really do have this".
By the way, I like the IHCLACs take on why some parents suddenly double up on being a parent after a separation. I had never really thought of it like that. I saw my H taking his love away from me and at the same time, doubling up on his love for the children and even our dog. I wasn't jealous exactly - it's our kids and our dog, but it still hurt. The love doesn't just up and leave. It just needed somewhere to go.
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