Thanks Steve! I reread your response to my original post twice a day...once in the morning and once I get home from work. It is extremely helpful. Honestly, I seem to vacillate between being detached and content with me and feeling and anxious and overwhelmed in a 2-3 hour period. I am determined if anything. I continue to be very upbeat, show gratitude, validate, and just listen with no “trying to help”. You could tell she was a little thrown off by this after 2-3 days, but las few days, she validates me, and we seems to share “emotion” though talking. Like the running piece yesterday. And today, her parent accepted an offer on their house and I was very excited for them and said it was great news. She had a big smile on her face and said, I know right! It really is good for them. I said, “I’m so happy for you guys and see that you are happy too! That’s awesome. Then left it there and went up to shower . BTW, before our recent bomb, we used to ask each other to shower together whenever one of us was heading up.
I’ll keep plugging, focusing on me, my happiness, detaching, and learning/reading on how to better communicate in relationships!
Awesome man. You've got this. The roller-coaster is real. Don't run from it, just deal with the emotions. The content phases will eventually get longer and the desperate phases shorter, over time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, I was just as strong as I ever have been. And it felt good. Earlier in the day, she asked what my plans were. I told her my list of things to do, and then that I was going to our favorite coffee shop. Said she was welcomed to join if she wanted. She replied, “that’d be nice!” Well, she got busier than expected and came into the kitchen as I was putting away my lunch dishes. She said, it’s already 2:00 and I haven’t run or sent out work emails. I said, “yeah, the day did kinda get away. I’m heading for coffee.” She replied, Ahhh, no, not without me. I panicked and didn’t know how to respond, so I said, you want me to pick you something up while I’m there? She said, nah, I gotta get busy...with a really sad face. Thanks for offering. I said no problem and walked out. It felt good to GAL. In the past, I would have made her feel guilty or not gone by myself. It actually felt good, and I could see her wheels turning. I think this is the Freedom part from the Ruiz book...
I’ll keep posting!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Just a quick update... nothing major. Last night, she was super talkative. For the most part, I just validated and listened. She felt cold at times (definitely still no physical contact), but giggly at others. This detachment thing is GOLD. I think it helps so much with respect to not being enmeshed or dependent on the other for happiness. However, it also seems to make her interested in me. After dinner, I said, "I want a milkshake from Sonic, anybody else want to go?" All 3 kids screamed yes, and W said ohhhh.. I'm going to stay and clean the kitchen, can you get me a shake? Kitchen was cleaned and she was all smiles when we got back. She got in the bath when we got upstairs, I read while in bed and started to fall asleep. She hopped in bed and said, "Goodnight, baby." I put my hand on her leg for a couple of seconds and said goodnight.
This morning was status quo. Came down for coffee and said good morning with a smile. Low expectations, detach, positive, upbeat, GAL, continue with 180s, speaking her LL, and validating.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Miler just keep those expectations low. The detachment dynamic certainly has all of the effects you mention. The temptation is for the LBS to let their guard down and reattach unhealthily. You seem to have a good handle on this, so just keep reading, learning, working and DBing. You've got this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I go out of town for 4 days next week for work. How should I handle this with W? Some brief points from my sitch: -3 to 4 weeks ago, W broke down and said she feels like we can't connect anymore -said didn't know if we were compatible, we had different styles -said I never initiated and conversation, saying ILY, dates, and when on dates, don't connect -she pulled away physically and conversationally -she said she wants to work on the marriage, but had lost hope -over the last 4 weeks, i have DBed hard, detached, GAL, 180s (especially on the way I listen and validate) -we talk all the time now (she initiates 50%), everything is positive, still no affection -Last week, W said she was more hopeful about M
I'm fearful that if I don't initiate some texting, calling, etc. while out of town, it'll almost be like I'm going dark. I also don't want to seems needy or like I'm checking in on her. Obviously I'll have to call her phone at night to talk with youngest S (I typically call the kids every night when I'm out of town).
Ok, update isn't really an update... got everyone caught up above. We enjoyed a nice family dinner last night and watched our favorite TV show. Up this morning and everyone is in good spirits. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to hug her from behind in the kitchen or tell her I'm sorry I wasn't an engaged H before this. Remaining detached (which feels good 80% of the time) and give her space/time.
Thanks all!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Interesting exchange with W today. We worked a big event together and were super busy between that and kids activities. When we were picking up, she said...I felt disconnected today, but I guess that's because we were so busy. I said, yes we were very busy...(and don't hit me too hard for saying this...i know, i know)..."and sometimes I don't know if we are trying to reconnect or give each other some space." And her reply was..."I think we've done a good job of both recently." I said, I think so too... and then changed the subject. Whew, that could have gone into official R talk land.
Also looking for feedback on the post above. How should I handle the 4 day work trip??
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Personally... I think things sound pretty hopeful. I don’t think you should go NC while away but also don’t over contact either. Checking in to see how the kids are doing is pretty neutral. Gives you an opportunity to have a check in with her as well. She complained that you didn’t connect before so a 180 would be communicating while away, I think, but not so much that she doesn’t have a chance to miss you.
On the trip I'd not initiate contact. But make as phonecall each night to talk to the kids. You'll naturally have contact with her during those phonecalls. Polite. Listen. Validate.
If she initiates contact, fine. Be polite.
Remember, the progress is likely due to your DBing. Now is not the time to stop DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
. BTW, before our recent bomb, we used to ask each other to shower together whenever one of us was heading up.