Rocky Road

[Miler]

Daily update-

So yesterday was heavy, real heavy. After some brief R talk, my W's sister called about her parents (W's dad has Alzheimer's). Parents are selling their house and buying something bigger and pricier in a bigger town. W is very upset because they may need that money to pay for care in the near future. MIL sort of in denial. After 45 minutes on the phone with sister, W gets off and dumps on me...initially just a little, but I applied the rules I have read in Emotional Intelligence 2.0 on empathic listening and more kept coming out. I just listened instead of trying to fix or give her solutions. I validated her thoughts and feelings and supported what she felt needed to be done. I praised her for being such a good sister and daughter and how much I'm sure her family appreciated her. After some bit, she conversed with a woman from a mutual couple we know who is just starting a very ugly and expensive divorce. When that was done, I could tell she was upset and was talking a little about her feelings. I asked what was going through her head and what she was feeling. She launched into a discussion on how it was exactly what we went through 4 years ago, where women who take care of the children and love their Hs get shafted in the D process. That they are the primary care givers while Hs are out working and hanging out with buddies, and then at some point they no longer become employable and life just [censored] for them after...and that most men fight to not give them 50% of everything. I just listened, was empathetic, and said, man, that must have been hard for you. I'm sorry I treated you that way when we went through that hell. In the past, of course I would have defended my actions...of course I was hurting and tried to get everything I could have out of the settlement. But for the first time in my life I just tried to put myself in her shoes and feel what she was feeling. A lot came out...we didn't discuss, argue, or any of that. I just listened. We weathered that storm and I finished by saying, today has been a really heavy day. I appreciate you opening up to me like that. Maybe we should do something light and fun tonight with the kids? She thanked me for listening and agreed. Of course when S16 came home with a note that he's on the verge of failing Human Geography, light and fluffy didn't happen...but we did come together on the way we spoke to S16 and creative solutions to help him.

I kept my distance last night and tried, even though I just wanted to hold her. I was feeling anxious this morning, so I decided to get started bright and early. I took the boys to school, hopped in the shower, and went straight to Home Depot, hopped on a conference call on the road, spoke with a friend of mine about his son, and did a little shopping. Around 1:00, she texted, "Wanna grab lunch?" Well, I said, Sure! We grabbed lunch together...I left my phone in the car. I focused on her, we had great casual conversation, a couple of laughs, and drove home. I can tell, there is still a little bit of a barrier up. There was no casual touching, no kiss, though she did call me honey and babe through the lunch. As soon as we got home I took the dog for a walk and decided to dump here! Whew...crazy last 24 hours, but I still want to keep my expectations low. I feel "attached" to her, so I need to go back to detaching and working on me. I am guessing she needs to see these changes stick for a while...a good while. I leave tomorrow for 4 days, so hopefully it will give us a chance to miss each other.

Thanks for the support folks! It's always helpful and meaningful to hear from you guys...on the rights and the wrongs!

Adam - great points. I don't want to spy or pry, so I'm going to leave that be and not even think about it. She knows (we both know) that an EA or PA is crossing the emotional boundaries we have set and will be a deal breaker for us both.

AS - that's a big problem I have right now...I can't pressure her or the sitch. Thankful to be heading out of town for a few days.

Steve - thanks man, you've been there since the start of this. I appreciate your honest feedback and encouragement.

[SteveLW]

I am guessing she needs to see these changes stick for a while...a good while

Steve - thanks man, you've been there since the start of this. I appreciate your honest feedback and encouragement.

You are very welcome! That is what we are here for.

I know what you mean with the top statement. That she needs to see the changes for a while to trust them.

However, I suggest you make sure you are thinking about them AS PERMANENT. And do whatever you have to, IC, finding religion, hypnosis, to ensure that they are permanent!

sandi has a rule in her rules, don't backslide and undo all your hardwork! Dr. Phil often says that 1 critical comment can undo 1000 attaboys. So avoid that at all costs.

[Miler]

Daily update and vent:

After a great lunch yesterday, things went a bit quiet and distant last night. There was still small talk, and she still initiated it. I detached an read last night. She hopped in bed and we may have exchanged a few words. No good night from her, which I certainly grilled on. Got a good morning from her. Some small talk. Of course I let my expectations rise because we have been communicating very well and interactions have been warm. Mistake. I could feel my attachment to her. My mood was dependent on how she was interacting with me. I was leaving town for 4 days, so I expected some warmth from her. It wasn’t there. I stayed busy and only communicated when she initiated. As I was walking to the door, she followed. I opened the door and turned to say goodbye. She put her hands on my face and gave me a big kiss and said have a great trip. I just reacted and said thanks, ILY. She said ILY2.

For the first hour of the drive, I couldn’t stop thinking about her or processing the last 12 hours. Just when you think you’ve done a good job detaching...boom. I really going to try and detach this week. I won’t initiate any texting unless it’s about the kids. I won’t call expect to tell the kids goodnight. I’m going to sound like a 7 year old here, but I want a temperature check!!! .

[Ready2Change]

Hi Miler,

How are you going to make this a "Great trip"?

Anything you can do to become "More attractive" while away?

[Adam04]

What’s her love language again? Fill that tank up.

[SteveLW]

Why the ILY initiation? Remember, detachment requires action. YOU act detached, and your emotions eventually follow.

[lost8]

Hate to say it but you have to get to the point where you don't "love" her anymore. It hurts to detach that far but even after what you feel like may be her coming back, it's not till you get to that point that you will really feel/see what you want going forward.

[IHCLACS]

Lost8, I'm starting to really understand the importance of Detachment after passionately pursuing for the last six months since BD of announcement of Separation and space and the ILYBINILWYAM. It starts to put your focus back on you and what you want and allows you to have Clarity a full person really is as well as who you are and what your beliefs and values are stacked against theirs. I'm starting to be at the point where I was before the BD. I realize that you have to leave from your principles beliefs and values and not your feelings. I've been listening to frequencies and attachment music on YouTube every night before I go to sleep. Just in the last week alone it's actually been helping every morning I wake up now more focused and determined on myself than the other person. That's the thing sometimes you get so close to someone to irritability start to overlap one another, and in most cases you have to back off a figure out who they are and who you are as an individual, and whether you to individually are complete and interdependent or codependent

[lost8]

IHCLACS...absolutely...it is painful to fight this battle and not take your own well being into consideration. We fight so hard to change them....but it is really about changing yourself. What do you want? What makes you happy? How do I want my life to go from here on out?

I love my kids and my W to an extent but I will leave her behind if my goals are not being met. Sounds selfish but it is what it is at this point. In the beginning those goals were aligned and somewhere got messed up. These vents have have helped me see the light.

[Miler]

Thanks guys!

R2C - I plan on making it a great trip by connecting with my co-workers and learning how to truly focus on being in the moment. I want to continue to learn how to give someone my undivided attention (which includes not thinking bout my M and W). I also want to practice empathetic listening and validation. As for how to make myself more attractive...I have no idea!! Any help or thoughts??

Adam - Her love language is quality time and quality conversation. I hope she misses the quality conversations we have been having over the last few weeks. I don't intend on initiating any conversation, but if she does when I call the kids, I plan on being curious about her, listening, and validating. That's what's hard about this situation...the major thing she complained about was that I was never "connected and engaged" with her, especially when we carved out time to be together on dates, lunch, etc. I have done 180s on that.

Steve - I don't know man. I was feeling vulnerable, it's what was on my heart, and I thought it's what she might have wanted to hear. One of her complaints with this new sitch is that she is always the one that had to initiate ILYs, good nights, dates, conversation, etc.

She texted me once today to tell me how S11 did on his competition at school. He made it to the championship, but lost. My response was... "Awwww. Bummer! I'm super proud of him though!!" Haven't had any communication since. I intend to call the kids tonight to wish them a good night and ask about their day.

I'm definitely fearful of pulling away, but I do continue to recognize we both need space to find ourselves and make ourselves happy.