I think you're eager, excited, anxious... and rightfully so. You're ready to move forward. R2C said it earlier regarding your book and the steps you're supposed to be taking. Its not the destination or the end goal. It's what you pick up along the way. Aren't you building skills from the book you're reading?
I'm saying don't be so quick to replace R1 with R2.
This is what I told my W right after BD(I said a lot back then when I tried to reason with her). When you have a goal and you're so honed in on completing that goal, do you see the obstacles in the way? Does the path there matter? Sometimes those "things" are your spouse, your children, your financial security, w/e you want to call it. Some people neglect to see what is in front of them because its blocking them from their goal. They're going to push those people out of their way or go around them to get to their goal. The WAS is like this. I think its human nature to be like this. This is what helps goal oriented people succeed because they do not let anything stand in their way. Does this make sense if the R is your goal?
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
You need to be satisfied with who you are P Are you?
Then take the time to heal, move forward and harmoniously improve that amoafwl you are getting into. Need you let W free to free yourself. Once freed from what you can’t control you’ll get in touch with yourself. Without pressures and anxiety, as Adam says.
Your time to yourself. Time to D4. Get into THE Parent, the healthy one. All my best wishes for you and D4 P. Move forward.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I think you're eager, excited, anxious... and rightfully so. You're ready to move forward. R2C said it earlier regarding your book and the steps you're supposed to be taking. Its not the destination or the end goal. It's what you pick up along the way. Aren't you building skills from the book you're reading?
I still am. I feel like I am continuing to build on that, but that may have been stunted from the fact that I'm trying to date and I have an interest in someone. I go into the city today and intend on dressing up for a family gathering. I would have never done that before. Again, small improvements.
Originally Posted by Adam04
I'm saying don't be so quick to replace R1 with R2.
This is what I told my W right after BD(I said a lot back then when I tried to reason with her). When you have a goal and you're so honed in on completing that goal, do you see the obstacles in the way? Does the path there matter? Sometimes those "things" are your spouse, your children, your financial security, w/e you want to call it. Some people neglect to see what is in front of them because its blocking them from their goal. They're going to push those people out of their way or go around them to get to their goal. The WAS is like this. I think its human nature to be like this. This is what helps goal oriented people succeed because they do not let anything stand in their way. Does this make sense if the R is your goal?
I agree with the replacement plan, Adam. Funny thing is when I had my "friend-meetup-that-turned-into-a-date", we talked about taking it slow. I just don't know how to take it slow. It will have been 2 days since I last texted her. I feel like I'm doing it correctly, but I am not sure. What is the proper balance? I know some of the answers may be "do what feels right", which is good, but as evidenced from the decisions I made based on my feelings in the past, that may not be the best course of action.
R2 is a very distant goal. I don't think it is going to happen any time soon. The soonest that I feel like I can reach it is Fall/Winter of 2019. Maybe even in 2020. I still have to get through the separation process, which does not feel as daunting and scary right now. That may change once I start taking those steps.
Also, R2 is not my only or even primary goal right now. Yes, it is a goal. But I have other goals as well:
- Be an even better man/father/son/brother/employee than I am right now. - Continue to GAL in which I fulfill my social, mental, and emotional needs. I joined a Photography meetup last week and I'm loving it. I am trying to balance my work, family, personal, and social life to make those needs fulfilled. - Be a more QUALITY employee. I will not accomplish that by spending more time at work. And that is the challenge that I am taking on. - To have a good set of clothes that I can wear for any occasion/season. Right now, I am fleshing out my Spring outfits and working on Summer. I'm hoping to have clothes for any occasion for all seasons by the end of 2019.
Originally Posted by neffer
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
By no means am I satisfied with where I am.
You need to be satisfied with who you are P Are you?
I guess I didn't use the term "satisfied" in the proper context when I made that statement. To clarify, I don't want to be complacent since I have made these changes and just call it good enough. Am I satisfied at who I am right now? Absolutely. I love who I am becoming. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But I know there is always room for improvement. It's always about learning, gaining new knowledge and applying it. That is my mindset.
Originally Posted by neffer
Then take the time to heal, move forward and harmoniously improve that amoafwl you are getting into. Need you let W free to free yourself. Once freed from what you can’t control you’ll get in touch with yourself. Without pressures and anxiety, as Adam says.
Your time to yourself. Time to D4. Get into THE Parent, the healthy one. All my best wishes for you and D4 P. Move forward.
Healing is ongoing. The pain is still there. The scabs are still there and scars are being formed. I am still seeking help for it as I still have painful relapses from time to time.
I feel that I have almost let go of WW. Me coming to the realization that I don't want WW back was a huge step. But I still have remnants of negative feelings of what she did to me. Anger, sadness, and jealously are still prominent. Not as huge as it was, but still noticeable. And that goes back to what I said about my statement regarding my satisfaction. I will be more satisfied once I have better control of those negative feelings.
I have done very well in the last 7 months for myself. But I know I can do better. I know I have stuff I need to continue to work on, like my NGS, like controlling my emotions, like my finances. All are things that I need to improve. I need to step up my parenting game. Especially now since my D4 is now a D5!
Thank you for the well-wishes Neff. Forward is the only direction I can and will go. There is no going back.
There is no quick fix. Skipping parts of the process does not help. Have you had 3-4 woman actively pursuing you at the same time? That is what you want. Most likely this is many months away.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Even though my M was dead (old R), I owe it to my kids to keep trying. I once told my W that she tried to make our M work for 15 years, and there's no way I'm just giving up after 3 months
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C, I totally understand that I should fight to save my MR for my D5.
But I tried. I tried over the course of a year to try to give her enough slack to rediscover herself but she ended up going deeper into the rabbit hole in the form of OM2. "Love" and "Happiness" in her definition was a priority. And I was not allowed to give that to her. In hindsight, I was not ready to give that to her. She fought me every step of the way and honestly, she was expecting me to follow HER process of reconciling. No compromises on her end and her not leaving OM2 told me all that was needed that an R is not worth it.
Also, I have made a lot of positive changes to myself. WW has not. There is very little about her I find attractive. I don't find her physically, mentally, or emotionally attractive. I see a convoluted mess that I will need to deal with and to be quite honest, I don't want to anymore. I am not going to settle for a functioning shell of a marriage just to keep our family intact. I tried to do that, and it made me worse for the wear. I love ME enough to know that I deserve better. I may not always get it, but I damn well am going to try.
My D5 deserves to see her daddy happy. A happy daddy makes for a happier D5. And for now, in my eyes, my D5 is the only other person who deserves the love and attention she requires from me. Right now, the only people I will actually pursue a better R with is myself and D5.
You are on the right path. Just don't steer toward a committed relationship to quickly. The more work you do now, the healthier you will be and you will attract a healthier partner. And if you W does have a change of heart, you will be able to help guide her in the proper direction.
My X still does not talk to me. It has been 10 years.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just don't steer toward a committed relationship to quickly.
This is going to be difficult. I have not a clue how to move slow. I am attracted to someone and she is (was?) to me. We had a date last Tuesday that went very well, then we chit-chatted and then silence. I would not know how to keep moving forward if I can move forward with her.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
The more work you do now, the healthier you will be and you will attract a healthier partner.
The work is always hard, but the efforts are starting to pay off. I had $350 of Amazon gift cards I was gifted this past holiday season. I was originally saving it for an iPad. I instead spent it on 2 pairs of dress boots, 2 dress belts, 2 pairs of jeans, and a sport coat. Suffice to say I am very excited to dress up and go out.
I feel good enough to start dating again, but I know that I am still not at 100%. The therapy is still being continued, I still continue to post here for feedback and guidance, and I am going to continue doing healthier, more fulfilling GAL activities.
And the healthier partner thing you mentioned has me thinking about the person who I am attracted to currently. I'll write a lengthier post about what went down later. We had a date planned, but she had to cancel twice with justifiable reason before she gave me the 'I cannot pursue anything romantic right now" speech on date day. I met her that night and we talked about the details regarding what she said. She told me why she does not want anything romantic right now and I told her about what I am going through and why I am not quite ready. We still had a great time. Now, it's been days since we last contacted each other and I don't know if it's appropriate for me to ping her or just wait to see how or if it plays out. I do know was that I was starting to move into this way too fast. I don't want that. I like her, but I need to force myself to cool it with her. Again, I just don't know how to.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
And if you W does have a change of heart, you will be able to help guide her in the proper direction.
She may have a change of heart, but I may not. I can guide her to where she needs to go, but it will not be towards reconciliation.
