Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[SoTorn]

Update:

The MIL and the W's aunt were coming by this weekend to go to a festival near us and they spent the weekend here. On Thursday me and the W were supposed to do a deep clean of the house (the MIL & aunt are allergic to cats and we have a cat) well I had come home from work, made dinner, and the W suggested we watch a movie. So while I was cooking dinner I went out to have a cigarette (yea, I haven't been doing so well with quitting). The W came out with me and we were talking a bit. She had asked me what my plans were for Saturday and I said right now I don't have any. She then asked me if I'd like to come along with them to the festival. I said sure. Then she was talking about selling the boat, and that a friend was interested a while ago and she needed to reach out to him again. He was a friend of ours from high school, at that point of mentioning him she had shifted the topic to those times and all the good moments in our relationship. I really tried to not say much during this part of the conversation besides an occasional laugh, and the "yea I remember that". She was trying to initiate sex again, I was on the couch and the movie was over I leaned forward and she laid her head on my lap looking straight up at me and pressed me for it, then when we went in the room she then suddenly changed her mind, I said ok then good night and went on with going to sleep.

So on Friday I get home from work and the MIL was here, I was supposed to cook dinner but they instead wanted to go out to eat. The MIL treated us to Outback which was nice. When we got back home I went to get myself ready for bed. I went to the W and asked her if she still wanted me to come with them saturday so I could find out what time and all. She then said, "No, they changed the plans. They want to go out shopping, and might go later in the day if at all" So I said ok and went off to bed.

Now Saturday comes along and I started to just take care of some errands and things I needed to do. Well I end up finding out that they didn't go "shopping" they went "house shopping" for her. Which explains why the sudden change of mind of me coming along come in. She has not told me anything about this, which I am glad I found out because if she picked up and left I can't afford to move right now, and can't afford this place on my own. Neither can she, but she has her mother as a financial support system who will write her a check to move in a heartbeat, whereas I have no such system.

So right now, I am going to keep that I know she's looking for a place to myself and start preparing financially for that eventual BD that she's leaving. My plan is to try and get money together to payoff my 401k loan so I can take out another and get out of my truck payment to lower my vehicle payment and have money to move if/when it comes to it. Wish me luck

Great idea to get yourself financially situated. I am doing the same thing with my 401K.

[Ready2Change]

I just re-read your posts in your thread (Too many people to keep track of all the details of everyone). This stands out.

she was telling me that my W said she still wants to D but at the same time is confused because she is noticing how I'm becoming more independent and focused on the things I need to do

She wants you to be independent. She wants you to focus on getting things done.

Read these post EVERY DAY:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=47467&Number=2057224#Post2057224
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=46578&Number=1998146#Post1998146
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=44595&Number=1852615#Post1852615

I believe you have a chance of changing your wife’s feelings for you. You have to face this with confidence. You have to lead. You have to face the biggest fear head on with confidence. You have to challenge your belief. What you fear you attract. Listen, This stuff is not easy. You have to let her go to get her back.

I'm confused how I am being passive aggressive by not participating in the process of filing for D, I will be going against what I believe by doing it this way.

This is from Wiki:
Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by a pattern of indirect resistance to the demands or requests of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation.

This is how I meant it:
Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by indirect resistance to the requests of your wife.




What I am recommending might not change your wife’s mind. It is one option for you to consider.
Others options might build up more resentment with her.

I would like to hear other peoples thoughts.

[mikeyb]

So she brought up the paperwork today and asked if I looked it over. I said yes and she said well.. So I said I will not be filing out paperwork to file for divorce at which point she said, fine I guess I have to go about this without you. And that she is going to move out because I need reality to set in. My response was do whatever it is you feel necessary. Then she said that she will get the other paperwork and for me to just not show up for the court date.

So, ya.... Kinda freaking out now, not over her, but financials because like I stated if she picked up and left I couldn't afford this place on my own.

Also, I had agreed to pay her taxes. I was going to file them earlier this week, I told her that I will do it and I just need to get her mom to send me the money for it and it would be done, she said well obviously. So I got to the point of paying it and called the MIL in which she refused to send me the money (my money BTW) to do it because the W just sold the boat and had the cash (that she wouldn't give to me for this). So I said whatever then she needs to deal with you on it then. Come today, apparently the MIL told the W that I was trying to con her out of $317, and the W believed it even though I had just told her I needed her mom to send it to me to take care of the taxes.

Additionally we had discussed and came to an agreement on taking over the bills from the MIL. We were going to start that at the end of the month, then she had talked to her mom and her mom said she will add her to her account that we are currently using and she could use that for the bills. I told her absolutely not, the whole point of our discussion and agreement was that we would take over the bills and money and handle things together without the MIL involvement.

Not really sure what to do right now. I could move my deposits back to my account but then she will try to say I'm being sneaky. I could leave it as is and not have anything if she picked up and left.

[Ready2Change]

So, ya.... Kinda freaking out now, not over her, but financials because like I stated if she picked up and left I couldn't afford this place on my own.

Are you renting or owners? Did she sign the paperwork? I would believe she has financial responsibilities.

If she does move out, can you get a room-mate to help cover costs?

[Ready2Change]

Then she said that she will get the other paperwork and for me to just not show up for the court date.

H"W, it does not work that way. You fill out the paperwork. I review it. If there are things I disagree with, I recommend changes. If you agree with the changes, you make them. I do a final review to make sure the changes are made. Then we both sign and submit to the courts."

W:"bla bla bla if we don't agree??"

H:"Then we will need the services of a mediator"

[mikeyb]

We are renting and she has done nothing with the papers herself besides present them to me. And I could get a room mate if needed, things would just be much harder on me as we moved closer to her job and further from mine. I would then have to drive my truck to work everyday, 100 miles a day. Which would kill me in gas, plus finding a room mate and trying to manage until that happens.

[Ready2Change]

I was referring to the rental agreement paperwork. If you owned, I was thinking you could claim she still owes her part of the mortgage payment even if she moved out.

[Ready2Change]

Lets get back to busting the divorce.

What changes in you has she noticed that she finds "More" attractive than the old you?

What change do you still need to do that she MAY find more attractive than the current you?

What is the most important thing to change?

[mikeyb]

Lets get back to busting the divorce.

What changes in you has she noticed that she finds "More" attractive than the old you?

What change do you still need to do that she MAY find more attractive than the current you?

What is the most important thing to change?

The biggest changes she's noticed I'd say is between my personal appearance and my helpfulness around the house. (She commented on my appearance other day that I'm dressing nicer and looking good then followed it up with "it's amazing what divorce does to people", I didn't respond to that comment)

As for change I still need, I need to be more, I guess you could say cheerful/energetic around the house. I'm not moping or being depressing just kinda mellow.

Most important id say is getting better with my financials

[97Hope]

I'm new so I apologize if I missed it somewhere, but my H likes to move back into the bedroom when the grown kids come and visit. Does anyone have any advice about that? I wondered if I should have told him to stay in the guest room, but like you, didn't want that to be the hill I die on.
Also, we have a trip planned to visit family, and he wants to share a room. I don't get any ideas that this is headed anywhere, we have traveled a lot since BD, and always share a bed, and sometimes he talks about R in positive ways, but I play it cool and don't let it give me hope. I stay on my island. Reality. It's safer here. TIA!