Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[mikeyb]

Update on last night:

I went to bed around 11ish, the W came home somewhere around 2-3am. She came into the MBR and crawled into bed and woke me up wanting sex. She was cuddled up to me and I was slowly waking up and she shifted to talking about her night, I just listened. Then she re-initiated wanting sex. I ended up giving in, then we took a shower. Afterwards, we laid back down in bed and she cuddled back up to me and fell asleep on my shoulder. This was a little weird, but not thinking much into it, other times she's slept in the MBR during our sitch she would move to the other side of the bed and that would be that. So I just put my arm on her shoulder and fell asleep myself.

Today she's going to her moms for the night and hanging out with her and her aunt and I'll be going to my friends house to finish up his car and just hang out.

[mikeyb]

Another update:

The W came home today and told me to call her mom because she had questions regarding the bills (Like stated her mom was helping us get straight on our bills) So I called her, and things went from bill talk to talk of moving and separation. Apparently my W was talking to her about it and trying to set a financial plan to move for both of us. She's wanting us to liquidate our 401k plans to get enough money to pay everything off, wedding loan, other loans, etc and move our separate ways. I've already thought about a loan from my 401k to move, get a cheaper vehicle, etc if and when the time comes. But I will not liquidate my 401k. That is just plain stupid to take out $18K for my future. Te MIL is getting to be to controlling of the situation and I'm not really liking it. I went there 2 weeks ago to go over our car insurance and did everything right in front of her, on speaker phone with the insurance agent and what do you know, she's saying that I did the insurance and stuff without talking to her.

My question is how should I go about trying to get the MIL out of being so involved in our sitch? I'm just not sure how to handle taking back control of the finances and let us handle how we move forward when the whole reason we got in this place was because I poorly managed them and the W got the MIL involved.

[ovrrnbw]

I'd just tell the MIL:

"MIL, I am comfortable handling my finances from here out, thanks for all of your help!" If you must reiterate, leave the velvet gloves on but be firm.

As for liquidating the 401(k), I first wonder how it is in both of your names? Or do you each have one? Obviously, the tax implications are set up to be prohibitive in terms of liquidating the 401(k). Don't hurt yourself long term, protect yourself! Act in your best interests here. I thought your MIL was a financial savant of sorts, why is her daughter considering cashing in a 401(k)? It makes me wonder if your MIL has taken you as far as she can in terms of financial knowledge.

[mikeyb]

I'd just tell the MIL:

"MIL, I am comfortable handling my finances from here out, thanks for all of your help!" If you must reiterate, leave the velvet gloves on but be firm.

As for liquidating the 401(k), I first wonder how it is in both of your names? Or do you each have one? Obviously, the tax implications are set up to be prohibitive in terms of liquidating the 401(k). Don't hurt yourself long term, protect yourself! Act in your best interests here. I thought your MIL was a financial savant of sorts, why is her daughter considering cashing in a 401(k)? It makes me wonder if your MIL has taken you as far as she can in terms of financial knowledge.

The MIL is wanting both of us to cash out each of our 401K to move along our way as quickly as possible instead of allowing us to natural progress through whatever happens. Apparently, she has been pushing my W to know whats going on in terms of where we stand and where we are going and why things haven't progressed further. And the W told her, to not push it and it takes time.

I want to address this with the W first though, mostly because the whole trust issue began with finances. And I don't want to just assume control and push her further away in terms of trust. The W knows her mother likes to have control of anything she can, and she seems to be trying to control our money, relationship, and everything in between. How should I bring this up to the W? I wanted the W to take over controlling the finances with me helping her. Should I do something like this:

H: I am not liking the way things are heading with your mom controlling the finances
W: Why
H: She is asking me to liquidate my 401K, my savings for the future. She also told me she is wanting to be done with it anyway, my proposal is either you assume control of the finances or I will put my money into my own account and pay you what is needed

[Ready2Change]

Maybe another option is for you and W to speak with a professional finance person.

[AnotherStander]

The W came home today and told me to call her mom because she had questions regarding the bills (Like stated her mom was helping us get straight on our bills) So I called her, and things went from bill talk to talk of moving and separation. Apparently my W was talking to her about it and trying to set a financial plan to move for both of us. She's wanting us to liquidate our 401k plans to get enough money to pay everything off, wedding loan, other loans, etc and move our separate ways. I've already thought about a loan from my 401k to move, get a cheaper vehicle, etc if and when the time comes. But I will not liquidate my 401k. That is just plain stupid to take out $18K for my future.

It sounds like the two of you have an absolute mountain of debt and no capital or savings other than your 401K's. You mentioned asking your W for gas money last week, so I'm assuming things are very tight. Your debt is heavily enmeshed between the two of you and it sounds like your MIL is trying to figure out how to unwind that. The bottom line is joint loans in both of your names must be closed out in the D. You can take out another loan to pay off your half (assuming you can qualify for the loan) or you can cash in your 401k. She has the same choices for her half. If you don't want to cash in your 401K then that is your choice, but you've got to figure out how to come up with the money to pay off your half of the debt.

The MIL is getting to be to controlling of the situation and I'm not really liking it.

It doesn't sound like it to me, it sounds like she is trying to help. I think she's probably right that the easiest way to walk away with a clean D is to cash out the 401k's and pay off all the debt. That may not be what you want to do, and of course that is up to you, but nevertheless her advice is sound.

My question is how should I go about trying to get the MIL out of being so involved in our sitch?

I agree with R2C- hire a professional financial planner. If you can't afford one then just tell MIL you don't want to cash in your 401K and will look at other options. If she browbeats you about it then remind her this is a DIVORCE and by definition you and W are no longer a team, so W needs to figure out her side and you need to figure out yours. But don't just assume this will all work out on its own. You've got to figure out how to cover your half of the debt.

[mikeyb]

The W came home today and told me to call her mom because she had questions regarding the bills (Like stated her mom was helping us get straight on our bills) So I called her, and things went from bill talk to talk of moving and separation. Apparently my W was talking to her about it and trying to set a financial plan to move for both of us. She's wanting us to liquidate our 401k plans to get enough money to pay everything off, wedding loan, other loans, etc and move our separate ways. I've already thought about a loan from my 401k to move, get a cheaper vehicle, etc if and when the time comes. But I will not liquidate my 401k. That is just plain stupid to take out $18K for my future.

It sounds like the two of you have an absolute mountain of debt and no capital or savings other than your 401K's. You mentioned asking your W for gas money last week, so I'm assuming things are very tight. Your debt is heavily enmeshed between the two of you and it sounds like your MIL is trying to figure out how to unwind that. The bottom line is joint loans in both of your names must be closed out in the D. You can take out another loan to pay off your half (assuming you can qualify for the loan) or you can cash in your 401k. She has the same choices for her half. If you don't want to cash in your 401K then that is your choice, but you've got to figure out how to come up with the money to pay off your half of the debt.

The MIL is getting to be to controlling of the situation and I'm not really liking it.

It doesn't sound like it to me, it sounds like she is trying to help. I think she's probably right that the easiest way to walk away with a clean D is to cash out the 401k's and pay off all the debt. That may not be what you want to do, and of course that is up to you, but nevertheless her advice is sound.

My question is how should I go about trying to get the MIL out of being so involved in our sitch?

I agree with R2C- hire a professional financial planner. If you can't afford one then just tell MIL you don't want to cash in your 401K and will look at other options. If she browbeats you about it then remind her this is a DIVORCE and by definition you and W are no longer a team, so W needs to figure out her side and you need to figure out yours. But don't just assume this will all work out on its own. You've got to figure out how to cover your half of the debt.

The debt is really not as bad as it sounds. There is a $2300 balance left on the wedding loan. This is not a joint loan and is in my name only. That is all that remains for debt. The fact that I had asked for gas is because I get $150 every 2 weeks and thats it. The remainder goes into an account of her moms. So when I had to drive the truck to work (400+ miles a week @ 20mpg) it ate through my budget. I am not sure what is currently in her moms account for funds of ours but there should be some money saved.

The W doesn't seem to be in any kind of hurry to push things along but her mom is trying to get us to move about our separate ways as quickly as possible by using our 401k to pay the loan and get funds to move into our own places. I'm content with waiting and saving versus cashing out my future savings. The thing with her mom is once she gets her fingers into something she wants it her way and that's it, she is very controlling and the W even said she didn't want her mom so involved for so long because of that.

[AnotherStander]

The debt is really not as bad as it sounds. There is a $2300 balance left on the wedding loan. This is not a joint loan and is in my name only. That is all that remains for debt.

OK well that's not bad. Your previous quote was "She's wanting us to liquidate our 401k plans to get enough money to pay everything off, wedding loan, other loans, etc" so you made it sound like you had several loans as well as other debts. But again my point is you are no longer a "team", you're not really married anymore even though a piece of paper somewhere might say so. So the loan needs to be paid off as part of the D process and you need to come up with 1150 as does your W. How she does that (cashing in 401K, borrowing, taking out a new loan) is not your concern just as how you come up with your half is not her concern or her mom's.

[LH19]

It;s pretty crazy that you are talking about a D before the wedding is even paid off.

[mikeyb]

It;s pretty crazy that you are talking about a D before the wedding is even paid off.

I agree, the loan only has 8 more payments left. I have a more detailed update I will post later tonight on some things that happened yesterday. I'm currently at work so when I get home I will update with the latest.