l8, good for her. Full transparency is a very important step in my opinion. I advocate as making it a requirement for reconciliation. Others disagree with that, including some professionals, but earning trust back is a key in reconciliation. So the fact that you have her phone PW and that she shared that he tried to call and that she blocked that number is huge.
Trust, but verify. Just keep up working. Remember to always be differentiated (look up self differentiation in marriage) in order to make sure you are coming from a healthy place for the relationship. Codependency is a marital problem waiting to happen.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's still early in the game but anxiety still comes over me. She could easily have not told me and could have set up other means of communication because she said she didn't want me to see the number and think they were in contact. They could have set up another means of communication so this didn't happen but he called her phone that she has given me the password to.
If she wants to cheat, then there is always a way. However, if she volunteered this information, then I believe you should show her as much emotional support and encouragement that you can.
If she is genuinely trying to end all contact with OM, then she needs to know that she can show you any attempted contacts from OM without you having a heart attack or getting into a sour mood. I want you to understand that your response will determine a lot. If she feels she has to protect you from the truth, then keeping those secrets could pull her backwards. The last thing you need to show is anger. Look, she's trying to be transparent, so if she sees you getting into a tizzy.......it won't be worth the ordeal for her. I try to be understanding in how it triggers your emotions. I'm just telling you how it works from her side of things.
Do you see what I am trying to say? I believe implementing a transparency plan should be teamwork. Your part is not only verifying her accounts, but also the one who encourages her. To be fully accountable and transparent can make her feel as being in a somewhat child - parent type of situation where you are the parent and she is the child. If she is humbling herself like a child and approaching you to show that she's "being good"........then she needs some positive response from you. A pat on the back, a nod of your head, and a word of thanks goes a long ways.
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I told her I appreciated her telling me and her honesty.
That was the best response you could have given.
Some H's want to have a discussion about her feelings, or he'll start talking about how OM is scum. She doesn't want to hear that stuff. She wants validation for choosing to be open and honest with you. If you need to take a walk or to the gym to work off some emotions, then go do it. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure it would be very hard for me not to have emotions at the news this other person was trying to contact my spouse.
As long as you find nothing that suggests she is not being completely honest with you, then do your best not to dwell on thoughts of "what she/they could do". That's not to say you should just take everything at face value. Be smart and verify. ''
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lost, that's a very good sign that she willingly showed you and informed you! Your lack of trust is completely understandable, it'll come with time so just be patient with her and yourself. I'm not sure about the boat purchase, I've heard of marriages that broke up over boats, hahaha
Thanks all. My response was just that, reassuring that she can be open and honest with me and with no hostility.
I hope it is a turning point for her....as well as is the boat purchase. This is all her, her money, her loan, she said for us. She wants to start looking forward as we will be close to empty nesters in 3-5 years.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
struggling, struggling, struggling....I feel I have detached and am not ready to let her back in. She has her ring on and I don't want one...actually sold it last weekend. She is transparent, she is remorseful but what else am I looking for?
What a bizarre feeling, we work so hard to get ourselves back and then when what we thought what we wanted comes back we struggle to accept it. Is this our own fog?
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
She has her ring on and I don't want one...actually sold it last weekend.
This really jumped out at me as really being impulsive. Why would you sell your wedding ring? That almost had to be an impulsive move. Certainly it was not for the money, was it? So why then? But regardless to the answer to that question, it says to me you need to slow down and take some very deep breaths here. Nothing has to be done today - or tomorrow or next week or even next month. You can take your time with this. Just because W has her ring on and is ready to move forward does not mean you have to jump into that same place. That said, this is what you've been hoping for - correct? Is this not what you wanted when you first came here - to get your W back? Now I didn't go back and look at your first posts but I'm guessing it to be the case.
Again, it's okay to be struggling and not sure. That doesn't mean you have to make a quick decision that turns out to be a poor decision - say perhaps like, oh I don't know, selling your wedding ring? Slow down, perhaps get some professional help. This is one of the biggest decisions you will make in your lifetime (whether to get D or not) There is no need to rush it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Lost 8 that's a very good question I've been waking up every morning asking myself do my values and principles align with my WAS, and is that a person I'm willing to keep in my life especially after she's the one that initiated the separation. I would never do such a thing unless it was a hostile environment, both our values and ideals have shifted over the last three or four years especially politically. I used to be middle of the road and even a Democrat at one point in time and now I'm a staunch conservative and I am very Pro 2nd Amendment and very Pro Constitution. But I will say no more on that subject at the risk of sounding like a conspiracy theorist. My wife however who works for the government and some of her family members before her have work for the government puts all their faith and trust into it, and are largely Democrat. Not that there's anything wrong with being a Democrat but when they try to impose their ways and their views into law on society, when most of us just want to be left alone to live our lives independently free a government intervention all the time. I personally see it as a problem which is driven one of the wedges between us in my marriage. I even went as far as to join a lot of conservative organizations that do a lot of good and Outreach for the community. however my wife didn't support me because it took time away from our family and she thought that their views were nuts. However since bomb drop I have ceased all political activities and conversations, to work on myself and my time with my son in my home
Hey Don, haven't seen you here but looks like you have been around for a while.
Yes selling the ring was impulsive and I think my final step in dropping the rope completely. Def wasn't for the money but it was reactionary to things that went down last weekend. She got her final ultimatum and was informed of the sale. BTW she filed a false claim on our original wedding ring and got a 16K replacement only to sell the original for 1700 so I was just returning the favor.
All of that has led to where I am now two weeks later, full transparency and what feels like remorse on her part. She knows I will walk away if things continue. She wants to buy me a new ring and I told her if that happens it will be in time and she understands.
Just a strange place right now....and giving it time...thanks though for your thoughts.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Tough one IHCLACS...I feel like we had some problems start right before the last political campaign. I was so pro Trump and for changing our country to swing back to the middle that I think it took my emphasis off of my marriage. I have pulled away from politics since my sitch has started over 9 months ago and am focused on me and my kids. I will vote and state my views but I am not a politician and realize that both parties will have downsides. Actually feel better that I have because the arguments about politics go nowhere.
I am doing me and whats best for me right now and have found peace with that.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
