Hi there, I've read a few threads here over the past few months and thought I would join in because I need somewhere to vent, somewhere to rant, somewhere people will tell me to pull myself together when I feel sorry for myself and somewhere to see where I'm going wrong (because I'm human so I will go wrong)
Background: married 25 years, together 30, 2 teen kids who we still haven't spoken to about what is going on because nobody knows...
Also important background: his mum abandoned him and his siblings when they were teens. So ironic he's trying to do it to his own teens
We've had our ups and downs over the years, especially after kids came along and dh felt excluded and I felt like a single mum because he was rarely home, he works lonnnng hours and those hours have got longer and longer as he's got more senior. A couple of years back he started making a big fuss about needing to move closer to work and I engaged with that, researched some places and was willing to uproot the whole family but then he tried to get us to see a place FURTHER away from work (?) and in the middle of nowhere which the kids refused to contemplate (they are independent and happy where we are). So then we told him we weren't moving. Which now is the reason he left. One of many apparently. We discussed potentially buying a flat near his work in a few years time, I was looking forward to this though uncomfortable with feeling like the kids were being shooed out of the equation in a way.
Last year things seemed to change, he became more loving, but also said and did some weird things. He got a tattoo (I know, I should have paid more attention), he complained about losing his hair and needing glasses etc. We had a lot more sex but I don't know if he was struggling with that a bit, many mid to late 40 men do I believe. I'm also perimenopausal and have had a lot of hormonal ups and downs in the last few years which I addressed by changing contraceptive but the symptoms have got worse in the last few months (stress maybe? These hormones do NOT help with emotional control!).
The real red flag was that he didn't go on holiday with me at all, we usually connect on holiday and have a great time. He didn't refuse but he made his own arrangements and I complained, and he said I should have done what HE wanted not what I wanted. But then he had already used his whole holiday allowance on his own holidays.
Anyway, September and he goes away and then comes back and we go out for a drink and he looks at me with love in his eyes and we chat. And then the next day he says he's rented a flat and I'm not welcome there and ILYB etc and he doesn't know if he wants to be married any more. And yes maybe he's having a midlife crisis but he's just not happy. So I flail about as you do. Lose a lot of weight, cry a lot, fall apart and feel broken hearted. I still feel broken hearted. Try GAL and get a counsellor. Redecorate the house, buy new clothes, start doing a few new things, lean on my friends. Things improved after a few months and it finally stopped hurting quite so much but Christmas was one big setback and it has continued being a rollercoaster since then (like I say, hormones don't help).
So I have done some good things: looked at my role in the marriage (distancer, didn't ask for my needs to be met, avoided confrontation, tolerated some really horrible behaviour from him which worsened over years, acted defensive when he attacked) and I'm working hard to change these habits up. Which is difficult when you don't see someone much. Also difficult not to pursue but to be emotionally vulnerable enough to show I'm no longer distancing. Such a tightrope. Some things have moved in the right direction: we have a date night one night a week, he comes home most weekends for about half a day and sometimes a whole day, we have shared a bed together a few times but no sex). We chat on the phone most days, we text a few times a day, we probably actually know more about each other now than when we lived together (how ironic) and we are actually probably nicer to each other too. Our dates have mostly been good. If I avoid conversations about the future then it goes better (I know). I was getting insecure every time we said goodbye so I told him I need a proper hug and he has started doing that (before he freaked out if I didn't hug him but wouldn't hug me properly).
So things are moving the right direction, but I find it so hard to be patient, it's been 6 months of wasted life and no sex (I miss that). I also find it super hard to control my emotions sometimes, though we are getting better at repairing problems when I get emotional and he goes back to past hurts. I find it hard not to distance when I feel hurt and rejected, but to say what I feel (not completely, but what my emotional needs are in an assertive way). The lack of control over our future is hardest. I know I do have control (including the power to tell him to stay away for good) but it doesn't feel that way. I want to plan holidays, fun stuff, and I want to plan them with him, but he just won't, gives me the whole don't know if I want to be married thing. My counsellor wants me to put up more boundaries (he was happy with me asking for the hugs because my boundary was going to be no contact but then dh complied but maybe that was because I did it assertively and he knew what might happen?)
Yesterday I had a very bad morning, hormonal and sad and lonely, I texted dh saying that I was sad and lonely and why was it so hard to love me. Wrong I know, that's why I'm here to blurt those feelings out instead of to him! Today I was listening to a podcast about getting over a broken heart and the advice was to see where the holes are and to fill them. So I went and signed up for a couple of activities this week for when I feel the holes the most (in the evenings, meeting new people and discussing ideas) and am looking forward to those as well as maybe joining a writing group for my studies. I already have a lot of hobbies but mostly they are daytime stuff: I go running, I run with friends, I dance and do art once a week.
So I need help in GAL and getting out there and doing things (I'm a homebody but working at home it's too much, I need a social outlet, and after decades of being stuck at home in the evenings I'm not in the habit of evening things), I need to practice patience and I need an outlet for my negative emotional stuff.
I'm also considering at some stage asking him to regularly sleep over one night a week, because I find it really disruptive not knowing whether I will see him at the weekend (my older teen will sometimes visit his flat for a night and he brings him back, my younger teen won't visit him). Would this be too much pressure? I wouldn't do it for a bit because I just tried pushing about sex and he pushed back, so I would wait a little bit and then ask if I felt he was receptive. I'm trying to build the connection little by little, there are occasional hiccups but I'm optimistic (maybe wrongly so?)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
From the above something I forgot, another thing I've been working on with my counsellor is expectations. I am a real optimist and every time I get a little crumb I over interpret it and have us driving off into the sunset together. Now, I happen to believe that being an optimist is a GOOD thing, but it really trips me up because then I expect too much.
Any ideas on how to get around this? I don't want to learn from bitter experience!
From the above something I forgot, another thing I've been working on with my counsellor is expectations. I am a real optimist and every time I get a little crumb I over interpret it and have us driving off into the sunset together. Now, I happen to believe that being an optimist is a GOOD thing, but it really trips me up because then I expect too much.
Any ideas on how to get around this? I don't want to learn from bitter experience!
ok thanks, will do. I have real problems with 'detachment' when I feel like I'm trying to repair our 'attachment,' maybe it's an unfortunate word for me
ok thanks, will do. I have real problems with 'detachment' when I feel like I'm trying to repair our 'attachment,' maybe it's an unfortunate word for me
Hi Dillydaf, I haven't yet read your long post, but will do later. I just read this last one.
Another advice is to stop trying to repair anything but yourself. This is really key.
Good luck
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
OK, I read the detachment thread and hmm, really not sure about some of it. In a way I might have been too detached for a lot of our marriage I feel. Some of it definitely rang true though, maybe I need to work out which bits feel most relevant and helpful and which bits don't. The validation thread is VERY useful though, I need to do this a lot more because I tend to jump in with advice and that's not helpful. I will practice this!
Does anyone have any advice for dealing with a spouse with abandonment issues? I feel like this is a massive part of our dynamic. And finally I get how it feels to be abandoned, I have some insight into how he has been feeling for so long (not rationally, I must add, that's his issue but now I have empathy for how horrible it is)
I wish your story wasn't so familiar , but you found a great place for support.
Everything that "works" is counter intuitive. Set him free to get him back. (if that is your long term goal)
Originally Posted by dillydaf
I'm also considering at some stage asking him to regularly sleep over one night a week, because I find it really disruptive not knowing whether I will see him at the weekend (my older teen will sometimes visit his flat for a night and he brings him back, my younger teen won't visit him). Would this be too much pressure?
Do not ask him this. Too much pressure. You want him pursuing you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I wish your story wasn't so familiar , but you found a great place for support.
Everything that "works" is counter intuitive. Set him free to get him back. (if that is your long term goal)
Originally Posted by dillydaf
I'm also considering at some stage asking him to regularly sleep over one night a week, because I find it really disruptive not knowing whether I will see him at the weekend (my older teen will sometimes visit his flat for a night and he brings him back, my younger teen won't visit him). Would this be too much pressure?
Do not ask him this. Too much pressure. You want him pursuing you.
yeah you're right, thank you Ready2Change. Plus when he's slept over I've got over emotional and scared him, so in the long term it's probably not a great idea. Though he is coming along for part of our family holiday in April. I booked it, told him he's welcome to join us and then left it up to him and he booked a flight over for a couple of days in the middle. Maybe instead I'll ask him to tell me his weekend plans for a fortnight in advance. Our kids can look after themselves but need driving to an activity every Saturday and most Sundays. I find it hard to plan stuff if he won't be there to do that if I'm not around. I need a boundary there, particularly since his refusal to let me know his diary before was a massive bone of contention (don't think he was or is having an affair, just a childish refusal to give me basic info on what his diary was on a regular basis)
Quick journal: dh rang me when I was driving somewhere earlier, we had a pleasant chat about the weather and his hay fever and where I was going. Then he double checked that I'm still coming to our date tomorrow night and the time we're meeting. All positive stuff. I think I am just going to have to settle for being friends for now. Albeit I will dress in something nice and flirt a bit I didn't tell him about the talk I'm going to tonight, I suppose it'll be something to talk about tomorrow night. I went through a phase of feeling inadequate and boring with him, but then I realised that he's the one with the boring life and I can do interesting stuff. So I am
Underneath I feel like he loves me, so is this pushing back whenever I have the R talk mostly fear that we'll slip back into old habits if he comes back? It's so perplexing. I will validate the heck out of whatever he says and also be assertive about my needs and maybe it'll help things keep moving in the right direction.
