So W and I sat down to discuss how we are going to afford D18's college, which as most of you know, will be difficult. After a while, W questions how things have been going with us. I said I thought things were going well, but was still struggling a little with limbo. She said, "I think we've connected deeper over the last month that we have ever. We are having nice conversations..heck we went to the gym yesterday and worked out. We've never done that. Why are you still insecure with this situation? I had to be honest here...I said in some ways I'm protecting myself from a bomb drop or you connecting with someone else. She said "Miler, I've had the opportunity to leave this relationship plenty of times over the last 20 years when things were really bad, I'm not going to do that now." I replied, That must have been hard for you over the last 20 years. She started to tear up and said, It was. I said I was sorry that things have been such a struggle in the past, I'm working to change the things that may have made you feel that way. She shook her head and gave me a forced smile. I then said, I really didn't want things to get heavy, and we don't really need to get into R talk. Things are where they are, and we're taking this time to work on ourselves so that we have the chance to be happy together down the road. She agreed and we moved on to the more boring, but just as tenuous college discussion.
Thanks folks! I do appreciate the suggestions to make myself more attractive.
I'm not going to sweat 1 instance of when she initiated ILY and I didn't respond. She knows I love her... She knows I want the R to work. She knows I'm in the process of changing.
In response to LH19, I agree that my sitch isn't the typical WW/WAW of folks on here. BUT, it was 4 years ago. Classic case. I think my W had the insight this time to say, I'm going to hit the pause button here BEFORE its gets bad like 4 years ago. She was right. I get it. Now, it has to be different...different permanently. Is there a chance that this can go south? Yes. Is there a chance she could get emotionally involved with someone else? Yes. Is there a chance that after we've both had some space to figure ourselves out we feel like we don't really belong together? Yes. But, I have no control over that. Despite the "emotional" and physical distance compared to the semi-BD a month+ ago, things are better. We are communicating better, we are listening better, and we are gaining the independence we need to have a healthy relationship in the future. Obviously, still a long way to go.
Honestly, I don't know what the right answer is. She deosn't either. I can't remember exactly how she phrased it the last time we had a R talk, but she said, We are reconnecting better and giving each other a bunch of space, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I think the baby steps here, especially the ones she's noticing, are: 1) I'm giving her my full attention when we talk (in person and on the phone) 2) I'm interested in her and what's she's doing - I'm asking questions about details and her feelings 3) I'm validating and listening, not try to fix or in my head to think about what I'll say next. 4) I'm pitching ways that we can spend quality time (I'm going to coffee, wanna come?) 5) Staying out of my own head for long periods of time
Once there are signs that we are deep in piecing, I'll focus on her other issues with me: 1) I need to initiate ILYs 2) I need to initiate date nights 3) I need to allow her to feel like she can be herself without feeling guilty about what I think 4) I'll initiate touching 5) I'll not pout, go cold, be selfish when I'm not in control
Totally open to feedback on this. However, I do feel like this fits the "feed the squirrels model." She's taking seeds out of my hand right now...I can't get all crazy, excited, and pursuitish and scare her away.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Based on his posts and mainly the convo I posted above. She is doing the right thing and telling him the relationship is slipping back into a bad place. He has to be careful about not coming off as distant or cold.
Yet she is being distant and cold herself. Yes she has started to come around since he started DBing, but is that just to reattach him? I think that is still up in the air. I think he should keep DBing until he is sure she 100% committed back to the MR.
But I agree he needs to be careful to do loving detachment (self-differentiation) and not letting it slip into cold ignoring. But I think the pursuit-distance dynamic is full effect here.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She was very upbeat when I called last night. I asked questions bout her day, etc. Kept it short and said I wanted to talk to the kids before they started the bed time routine. Did my thing and really asked a lot of questions and was patient with the answers, validated the kids. By far the longest I've stayed on the phone with the kids while away for work (part of my 180 of being fully attentive in the moment). They passed the phone to her and I said, well, sounds like you guys are getting into your routine, I have 45 minutes or so left before I head back to the hotel. She alright babe, well I'll talk to you later tonight maybe then.
Instead of calling when I got back, I just sent her a text that said, Back at the hotel. Hope you guys had a great dinner and watched something fun before bed . She replied, I'm heading to bed too. The usual...leftovers and Monk. Good Night and I love you! I didn't reply and went to bed.
She texted this morning and said good morning, then sent me a picture of a letter from the big in state school about scholarship.
Here's me freaking: -If she wants to work on the M, why doesn't it look like she is from my end??? -Why is she still so cold?? -My mind fears she is just biding her time to WAW again once my oldest goes to college in the fall -How do I gain more connective experiences without seeming desperate? -Do I continue to ask her to do things? Do I continue to say ILY? -Do I pull away a little and give her space? Let her come to me? -It's so hard to remain upbeat and continue with good listening when she seems cold and not interested in pushing ahead -IT FEELS LIKE I AM JUST WAITING FOR HER TO MAKE UP HER MIND!!! -It feels like she has all the control
Again, I think as Miler has relaxed pressure she has opened up. I am afraid of him embracing that too quickly. Should he have texted back ILY2? I think so. But he should still hold off on pressure and pursuit until he is more sure she is back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So to be clear... when initial semi-BD happened 4-5 weeks ago, she was definitely cold and distant...like she didn't want to be around me. No initiating conversation, no smiling, definitely no interest in casual touching, ILYs, etc.
In the last 2 weeks, those behaviors have started to change. She definitely initiates conversation, she smiles and says hello when she walks into the house or room....however, there are definitely periods where she still goes cold or feels disengaged. We had sex on V-day. On Tuesday she invited me to lunch, first time since BD that she has initiated connection time. Yesterday before I left was the first time she initiated physical contact (gave me a kiss before I walked out of the door for a 4 day trip). Last night was the first time she initiated ILY (via text mind you). Signs of thawing, but again, I would assume I have a long way to go as she wants to know these changes are permanent.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
. She replied, I'm heading to bed too. The usual...leftovers and Monk. Good Night and I love you! I didn't reply and went to bed.