If she is noticing the changes, why is she moving forward with the divorce? Wouldn’t that make her want to try the marriage again? I believe she is going through MLC so I guess I just have to give her time. Is there anything else I should be doing? Is complimenting her ok?
Last edited by Wolfman; 02/26/1905:34 PM.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
If she is noticing the changes, why is she moving forward with the divorce? Wouldn’t that make her want to try the marriage again? I believe she is going through MLC so I guess I just have to give her time. Is there anything else I should be doing? Is complimenting her ok?
Wolfman, let me tell you what another marriage expert says related to a different way to ask your question. That is "When will my W come back to the marriage?" The answer: When she decides to and not a moment before.
Keep DBing, keep making 180s, keep detaching. Keep GAL, she will take note. She might come around in a week, a month, a year, or never. But pursuit and pressure will not bring her back ever. And no, compliments are pressure and pursuit. There may come a time when they will work, but that time isn't now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Now that I am finally getting my life the way I want it as a divorced woman
Wolfman decides he is going to be a wonderful H
He thinks I am going to come back to the M
Well this is all too little too late
As Steve says, just stay the course and be patient
There are no quick turnarounds
Even if we all fantasize about them
Do not follow her feelings
Do not follow your feelings
Dig down and find your beliefs
Feelings will change
Beliefs are who you are
Follow your beliefs
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
To me detachment means letting go of outcomes. I don't control the outcome so I shouldn't place my worth on the result. Doesn't mean stop caring, not trying, not having a plan, or giving up. I am solely in control of myself. If I do my best, I did all I could at the time then it has to be enough. I can learn from the experience and improve the process for future experiences.
How to practice detachment? Figure out the worst thing that could happen to you? (Spiers Doctrine - "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function.") So the only thing that matters is are you doing the right thing. It easier to make a plan, take action and be brave when you aren't afraid of the outcome, you can't get hurt if you are already dead.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Another little baby step yesterday. My wife was in the kitchen and I went in there to get something to eat before I went to the gym. Grabbed something out of the fridge sat at the kitchen table and put the tv on. Usually my wife would walk out of the room when I entered, but instead she came over and sat at the kitchen table with me. She was on her phone looking at things. But then she asked what I was watching? Asked if we have seenthat movie. I was in complete shock. I gave one word answers tried to look interested in her. I guess when she realized I wasn’t giving her attention she then said she has been having chest pain lately and she wasn’t sure if it was heartburn. I asked if she was ok and if she needed to go to the doctor. She said no, she didn’t want to go. I said fine, I asked if she wanted some tums. She said no. I asked if there was anything I could do to help her? She said not really. I then went back to watching tv and eating. Then she got up and told me she was going upstairs. I replied, ok. Once I was done eating which was around 8:45 pm. I got changed said goodnight to the kids and told my wife I was going out. She said you going to the gym? I replied yep see you later. So the baby step was she stayed in the kitchen with me and tried talking to me and then curious where I was going. Did I handle everything well?
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Pretty well. I wouldn't say anything you did was bad. But concentrate on listening....and validating. My favorite move now is when the TV is on is to either pause it or turn it off, or both, and give my W my full attention. Detachment should not come across mean, or ignoring, or passive-aggressive in anyway.
But yes, as your behavior changes so to will hers. She will have a natural curiosity to what is up and what has changed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OK well a lot of people post things like this early on. They're very concerned that they might say or do some little thing that will ruin their progress. She didn't come to being a WAS overnight, it was months or (more likely) years in the making. And no one thing you do is going to bring her back or send her further away. It's the AGGREGATE of your actions that might make a difference. Consistent, changed behavior over a long period of time.
Quote
I asked if she was ok and if she needed to go to the doctor. She said no, she didn’t want to go. I said fine, I asked if she wanted some tums. She said no. I asked if there was anything I could do to help her? She said not really.
Seems like an overreaction for what she described as heartburn. Try not to act too overly concerned. When my ex BD'd me I did some snooping (before finding DB'ing) and found a message she sent to one of her friends that her worst nightmare was imagining something bad happening to her health-wise and that I would be taking care of her. WORST NIGHTMARE. Those were the words she used. Hard as it is to believe, this is how a WAS views the man she previously was madly in love with. She doesn't want your help. When she says stuff like this just nod and acknowledge. If she wants your help she'll ask for it.
I did lower the volume on the tv to show her I was interested. One of her complaints of me from the past is that I didn’t listen to her all the time. So, I want to make sure when she speaks I am engaged. I will do a better job validating instead of trying to fix. Thanks for the comments.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
....she then said she has been having chest pain lately and she wasn’t sure if it was heartburn.
H:"I am sorry to hear this. Is there anything I can do?"
or
H:"do you think it is serious?"
or
"Are you concerned?"
Originally Posted by Wolfman
One of her complaints of me from the past is that I didn’t listen to her all the time.
Your wife has a story to tell. Your job is to listen to her story. It is not to agree or disagree or control. It is to understand her story. If you can reflect back her feelings, then do that. H"W, that must have been frustrating."
This is extremely important when she is talking about you. Do not take it personally.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
