Don't ignore, just tell gently remind her that she doesn't have to, but you are not willing to leave. The other stuff is out of your control, if she asks for help then you can help, until then MYOB.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Should I expose her affair with her friends? She has mentioned that she doesn't want anyone knowing about the affair. She has these Zumba friends that she has indicated that she does not want them knowing at all. Or is that not a good thing to do? I had read that exposing the affair to her close friends, etc may give her a dose of reality.
On the same note, she wants to tell our children that we are separating but doesn't want to tell them that she is having an affair. Should I tell the children so that it helps get a dose of reality of what their mother is doing?
Should I expose her affair with her friends? She has mentioned that she doesn't want anyone knowing about the affair. She has these Zumba friends that she has indicated that she does not want them knowing at all. Or is that not a good thing to do? I had read that exposing the affair to her close friends, etc may give her a dose of reality.
On the same note, she wants to tell our children that we are separating but doesn't want to tell them that she is having an affair. Should I tell the children so that it helps get a dose of reality of what their mother is doing?
If you had a medical condition, would you want your W disclosing that to friends and your kids without your knowledge or consent? This isn't a matter of SHOULD you, it is a matter of do you have the right to do this? This is a personal issue between you and your W and you should not disclose to anyone without her consent.
You say you read "that exposing the affair to her close friends, etc may give her a dose of reality." Let me give you another perspective, and this was 100% the case in my sitch. If you break that seal it could have devastating effects for your marriage. First, once that toothpaste is out of the tube, there is no putting it back in. This could cause your W to say "well, everyone knows now, I may as well go ahead and move out or file for D. Or move to a full blown relationship, out in the open, with OM." Secondly, your W, if she changes her mind and comes back to the MR, has to repair her relationship with you. If you tell friends, family, your kids, now you are multiplying the number of people she has relationships to rebuild by the # you tell and that they in turn tell. If I had told my W's friends and family I am quite sure it would have cemented her resolve.
Also, for many WASs, facing people to tell them that they are Ding their LBS is one of the things that is keeping them from actually moving forward. If you do that dirty work for her, guess what? She may actually be relieved that now she can move forward and do what she wants to do.
In short Anthony, do not do this rashly. As with most LBS you are looking for a magic bullet that will fix everything. There isn't one. Please trust the DB process. Rather than focus on this focus on GAL, 180s, and detachment. You can't fix overnight what it took months, even years to get into.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks, I just know she wants to tell the kids something. I just don't like the fact that she wants to just tell them we are separating and are fighting. Just half truths, etc.
I know her infidelities are different than yours, but you both had infidelities. I'd say you probably aught to keep them under wraps for now, unless you want everyone to start slinging mud.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks, I just know she wants to tell the kids something. I just don't like the fact that she wants to just tell them we are separating and are fighting. Just half truths, etc.
I would NEVER tell the kids about the OM. Sorry, that is a big no-no. Kids should worry about kid's issues, adults should worry about adult issues.
When you talk to them, make sure a) they know you both love them, and b) that the issues are between you and your W (but not what the issues are)!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would like you to make a decision. I am not making any changes in my life other than starting my masters as soon as I hear they received my signature in agreement to start. Here are the options(if you have any other additional please let me know): we co-mingle in this house as we have been doing and figure out some financial things, or one of us moves out and we get attorneys and courts involved to figure out who leaves and how financials are divvied out. I would still like to do a separation if we go the second route legally. Too much has happened for me to want to make any drastic relationship decisions in my life right now. I would like to not talk divorce until we give each other time. Also, i refuse to remove anyone out of my current life situation right now. I’m too emotionally brittle right now. I just can’t do it. It’s keeping me afloat from completely losing it. We are on a break right now and need to focus on ourselves so that’s what we should be focusing on. Once we feel more stable on both ends I feel confident we will be able to figure things out and make the best decision. I can deal with staying here under the same roof. I need you to figure out what you can handle and keep that agreement. If we decide to live here together it needs to be amicably or else there is no point to any of this. You may be mad at me right now but I am still guarded and hurt too. I am doing what I need to do to keep from completely breaking apart and upturning this household. I can’t just forgive you and hope for the best in time you will get better. I can’t Anthony. You said it yourself, there are things that you have always done since we met that you need to change. Bc of your mother leaving as a toddler. I have become very self aware of that as well these past few weeks on how your childhood [censored] you up. So did mine which inevitably is coming back to haunt me in my marriage now. I am very guarded now bc I will not allow this to happen again. I will not make any big changes until I feel fully confident you can change. I have been trying to be so strong for the past 1.5yrs and I broke. I was able to start picking the pieces up but it’s a mask right now. If I start making changes I know I will fall apart and you and I will go with it. I know it in my heart. This is why we need this separation Btwn us right now until we can have time to let things die down. Give time for change to happen and have a clearer mindset. When we’re ready I know we will make the right decision.
Also she took our S9 to bedroom and told him about selling hiuse and moving to apartments or houses or one of us stay here in this house. I am the only one that can afford it. He told her he wanted to stay here of course. I didn’t know she brought him in there. He was crying. She is cruel.
We had a conversation before she sent that long text. She had indicated that she can separate the OM and her and I problems. She said that they wouldn’t impact each other. I just had to laugh when she said that. Like are you kidding me. She is definitely in lala land
