Was it already mentioned what the covert contract is here for you to read up on? I believe you thought she may have wanted to hear ILY but I also believe you moreso wanted to hear her say ILY to you. I think that was your vulnerability you felt before leaving to make yourself feel better. I may be wrong but that’s the impression I got from reading it.
I’m sure you know often times we want to do the right thing for them but our judgement is clouded by our own wants and our minds can play these little tricks saying we are doing things for them but really it’s for us too.
Forward thinking. Think about what you will say and do before you do them and then ask yourself how this will cause your W to feel. I don’t think it will hurt to think about the convo you and your W may have on the phone if it happens. Plan for it, but don’t expect it. This may be how you can make the best of it. If you got the jitters from the sitch and from being away, lose them so you can exude strength and confidence if there is phone opportunity.
Enjoy yourself , remember everything you’ve said about detachment. And patience!
Btw, when did she talk to you about this new sitch and that she always initiated everything? If I were in your shoes I can see how that muddles up trying to find the appropriate action to take.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Adam - great points! It's that switch that the focus needs to be on me and my wants and not on the R/W.
She was very upbeat when I called last night. I asked questions bout her day, etc. Kept it short and said I wanted to talk to the kids before they started the bed time routine. Did my thing and really asked a lot of questions and was patient with the answers, validated the kids. By far the longest I've stayed on the phone with the kids while
Adam - great points! It's that switch that the focus needs to be on me and my wants and not on the R/W.
She was very upbeat when I called last night. I asked questions bout her day, etc. Kept it short and said I wanted to talk to the kids before they started the bed time routine. Did my thing and really asked a lot of questions and was patient with the answers, validated the kids. By far the longest I've stayed on the phone with the kids while away for work (part of my 180 of being fully attentive in the moment). They passed the phone to her and I said, well, sounds like you guys are getting into your routine, I have 45 minutes or so left before I head back to the hotel. She alright babe, well I'll talk to you later tonight maybe then.
Instead of calling when I got back, I just sent her a text that said, Back at the hotel. Hope you guys had a great dinner and watched something fun before bed . She replied, I'm heading to bed too. The usual...leftovers and Monk. Good Night and I love you! I didn't reply and went to bed.
She texted this morning and said good morning, then sent me a picture of a letter from the big in state school about scholarship. She was upset that the instead school was offering less than a lot of private schools we applied to. This one was easy because I completely agree . I validated and was empathetic. We texted back and forth for 10 minutes or so, and I said...Ok, headed off to work, have a great day!
Still looking for ways to become more attractive while away. Obviously my 180s from previous business trips. anything else?? Also working on comments from the group. I looked at some YouTube stuff about detaching, etc. I ran into this book on Amazon Kindle store and got it...Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow. All about detaching with love, points out all these behaviors we do that essentially are trying to control thr people we love, etc. Great reinforcement for what we are learning here! Just read 1 chapter last night, but phenomenal. Worth the $9.59
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
1) Get a new hair cut or style 2) Go shopping for some new clothes (More mature style) 3) new cologne /different smelling soap 4) Go to book store. browse the personal growth books.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
She replied, I'm heading to bed too. The usual...leftovers and Monk. Good Night and I love you! I didn't reply and went to bed.
Why did you not reply to the text? You don't want to ignore her especially when she says "I love you". It's ok to reciprocate.
This is a good point. Miler I know the general rule is to not respond to non-question texts. But ILY has a inherent expectation of response, similar to a question.
The LBS shouldn't initiate ILYs. But not initiating is not same as NOT saying it back of the WAS initiates the ILY.
I apologize if my texting advice confused this Miler. But I agree with LH, a simple "I love you too" would have been ok.
However, I wouldn't try to fix it. Tonight, if she initiates again, just respond back this time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1) Get a new hair cut or style 2) Go shopping for some new clothes (More mature style) 3) new cologne /different smelling soap 4) Go to book store. browse the personal growth books.
And be confident. Women LOVE confident men. The best way to be confident is to be happy with yourself. So get happy with yourself!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
. She replied, I'm heading to bed too. The usual...leftovers and Monk. Good Night and I love you! I didn't reply and went to bed. 