You are kind, you have insight, you are beautiful, and I type all of this, without having ever, and will most likely never cross paths with you in real life.
You say you will never get, how a person can act like your husband has, and still is. Well, you are right, because only he can justify his behavior and his reasons - and you know what, that is a bloody hard thing to realize, because if he thinks its right, then, its right, and nobody can or should convince him otherwise - the world doesn't work that way even though we all wish it did from time to time.
One thing stepped out to me, in your last entry here. and I think maybe, that is because you made it in capitol letters. LET GO, thats right. That is basically all you can do, and should do. Doormats are 2 bucks in the nearest wallmart, and you girl, you are priceless, so dont be that doormat.
Let him live his life, while you find yourself. Let him sort out the mess he is, and do not partake in that journey. Listen to him, try to understand his perspective, but do so, with a very rationel mindset - dont trust his words, validate them but let them pass, and let his actions speak for him, and its pretty clear that his words and actions have not been going in the same direction - which is why we just validate, but believe only half of what they say.
Sort out your life, you sound so strong, but you need to stop being the victim. He hurt you, dear. He hurt you bad. But you know what, get up, make a list of what needs to happen for you RIGHT now, in order to not depend on him for anything, in order for you to be in a state, where you are in control of you, that will empower you greatly. Start working on that list. Set up deadlines, because that will keep you focused on completing those goals, instead of sliding back when emotions kick in, and you feel sad, hurt and like the world is too much.
Be that independant woman, who takes charge, who creates a life for you and your family (f... him for now, NO not literally) - and then he will see in time, that you are who we all see, a special, kind, and loving woman who deserves someone who appreciates all your qualities.
Maybe that will knock him off the rails, and realize what he lost, and maybe, you dont care by then. If you do, then you have an entirely new view on your life, and you will be able to rationalize by then, if he is really worth betting on. I am sure, a lot would have to change when you are at that place in time.
Hugs!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Last thing you want to do right now is break into pursuit because she will pull back hard. Do you know the squirrel analogy? It's like feeding a squirrel, you've got to hold perfectly still and let the squirrel approach you. If you make any moves at all the squirrel will go running up the tree and it starts all over again.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
For me, detaching is allowing each of us to have the space and freedom to be who we are, not to be enmeshed or co-dependent. Letting go of control...particular of her. It also means that I have to be to a point where I don't rely on her or the relationship for happiness...or any of my mood states for that matter. Right now, I'm afraid my hopes and mood are dependent on our interactions...which is why I'm conveying that this is hard.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yes because you are finally standing up for yourself and not letting her steamroll you so she's gone to Plan B which is "get mean and angry until he comes back under my control". If you stick to your gameplan then at some point you can expect Plan C which is "cry and pout and act miserable until he comes back under my control." Plan D is "dangle the carrot" where she will make you promises of rekindling the relationship, if only you will just leave the house for a few months. When that fails she will loop back around and repeat.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One of her complaints of me from the past is that I didn’t listen to her all the time.
Your wife has a story to tell. Your job is to listen to her story. It is not to agree or disagree or control. It is to understand her story. If you can reflect back her feelings, then do that. H"W, that must have been frustrating."
This is extremely important when she is talking about you. Do not take it personally.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
"I am not ready to discuss this. I have a lot to process and this has all come at me so quickly. If you need to move forward, go ahead. I will not try to stop you, but I need time to consider everything."
Don't be pushed to discuss things you aren't comfortable discussing.
Originally Posted by Steve85
"I hadn't thought of it that way. Let me think a little more about your request."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I would suggest you setting up a signature like many of us has. Showing your age, her age, kids ages, and significant dates (BD, etc). It is very helpful. I know that my advice for LBSs that have kids is very different than for LBSs without kids. Kids complicate things greatly.
click on your name up to the right under Michelle's video, and then select Edit Profile. Signature is part of the profile.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
because she won’t see we had a great marriage. There was no infidelity, abuse, drugs, alcohol or gambling.
Flip this around. Look through "her eyes": "He doesn't see that we had a bad marriage. There was no connection, no romance, he doesn't listen to me, he just wants to argue and control me." (Or whatever issues she has)
List out things like this. Then figure out your 180s.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I stumbled upon a line today, that really made me think, holy cow, this makes sense. It doesnt apply to all of the sitches, but for some of us, it clarifies some patterns we engage in our minds when we are crosschecked by the marriage breakers aka ww's.
I dont recall it word by word and unfortunately I don't recall the webpage from where I stumbled upon it, but it goes something like this..
"When my kids were younger, and their rooms were a big mess, I would ask them to clean up their clothes and toys - most of the time, they wouldn't acknowledge my request, and just left it be. I took the approach of taking one of their old toys from their toys shelf, typically a piece that they hadn't played with in years (a mcdonalds happy meals toy for example), something they know they have, but disregarded completely. Then I would take said toy, and I would let them know that it was going in the trash, since I was now cleaning up their mess. The thing was, that every time this happened, my kids would have big protests, and would declare that I was mean for having thrown that toy away, because it was the best toy in the world and by far their favorite toy".
When I read the above, I just figured - wow... well, that applies for me really, and it has A L O T to do with attachment.
I had my wife, I had my life, I got complacent, and she was my toy on the shelf. I am proud of who I am TODAY, not who I was, so I have no problems admitting, that she was my toy on the shelf, that was not "played" with, the way she deserved - and funny enough, when she left, then she was my favorite toy all of a sudden, the toy I couldn't live without, but at the same time, the toy that wasn't the new toy on the self a month prior to her saying "its not working anymore".
Does this mean I think im 100% to blame? absolutely not Does it mean it justifies her cheating on me and using me? absolutely not.
Does this mean I am reflecting on myself and my past relationship in order to grow and be better aka finding my 180s? absolutely!
Does this mean I realize, that I made her fill up my every thought and made her the "toy" that I didn't need, until it was trashed, and then I couldn't play with any other toys? absolutely - and I am wiser now. Life will be great.
Take it for what it is - it made a lot sense for me, especially regarding being attached and why that might be that we feel so attached and unable to do anything right after the announcement, when in all honesty, we were perfectly able to when we had our wives /husbands on the "toy shelve".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
