Quotes found on Divorcebusting (7)

[Ready2Change]

LInk

I am going to create some goals to get back to being me but if anyone has advice I would really appreciate it:

- Fall Back in Love with my job,
I had started to hate it because it took me away from my family but I need to go back to embracing it (this is easy, they have given me a 2 month project to help me through this time and it's a challenging distraction)

- No Chasing - Letting him come to me
, I'm not sure about going fully no contact, especially as we live together, but letting him to come for conversations, texts, time together etc and enjoying them for what they are, no R talk!

- Relationship Talks - Not initiating any,
letting him talk and validating them, making sure I am engaged, I realized after our talk on Friday that I test him even when he does initiate conversations.

- GAL
- I'm going to make sure my daughter and I do something every weekend, and at least 3 nights a week, whether it be a simple dinner out or something like that, trying to reconnect with old friends, just have something to do a lot (this one I struggle with)

- Missing him
- this one I have forced myself to do better by not initiating contact whilst he has been away. It's made me realize I am ok without him and life does continue when he isn't here (why did I learn this too late) I am also trying to find some self-help books with codependency etc

- Being Fun
- GAL - trying to find my tribe again, we moved away from my close group of friends and I have struggled to find people similar to me, any advice on this!

-Being Flirty and Confident
- I'm tryin to get my confidence back, I have lost 21lbs in the last 3 weeks thanks to the divorce diet, I'm still about 10lbs heavier than when we first met, but that was about 45lbs overweight so 55lbs to go, every time I lose 10lbs I am trying to buy myself something new that I feel good in. Even went to the gym this morning!

- Become more secure with myself
- this one is a bit of a struggle, I think it will come with the confidence but I am trying to find books to read and working with my therapist to feel better on this.

Enjoy my independence
- it's hard when I have my 6D all but 4 nights a month but I am trying to make the most of life after she has gone to bed (although wish I could be more social), and the times I don't have her, I will not waste my day laying in bed crying anymore

Pride
- Trying to be proud of what I have achieved, sounds big headed but I am going to write myself a list, and ask friends and family to help me so I can read that list when I am feeling lost. One of my proudest moments was becoming an American citizen so I refer to that often. I think this list will help me stop feeling jealous of others
Excited to be with his family and friends - Obviously this one can't come unless we Reconcile, but I think during any conversations, me asking about them etc will help. These are good people, I had a choice when they started excluding me (they thought I was taking him away from them, as he wasn't visiting them as much as he had planned), I could either acknowledge their dislike of me and why, prove them wrong and kill them with kindness, or I could shut down and make it difficult for him, realizing now I was manipulating him to spend less time with them rather then us all spending more time with them, I definitely chose the wrong option, but hindsight is 20/20 and I think it was due to my insecurities. I have plans for this if we do reconcile.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I am not your W but I can say that as a woman, I love to be appreciated for who I am outside my looks and my mothering skills (though those are nice things to hear too). One of my major LL are words of affirmation and for me, a compliment isn't just about praise, but about feeling known in a deep and intimate way - that something less obvious about me than how I look or the role I perform in the family has been seen and known and cherished.

[Ready2Change]

Link

This is the problem. What you fear you attract.

Just so you know I am not asking you to confront her I am just telling you that you don't apologize for her BS behavior.

Lets talk about your fears. Why do you fear losing her? Will your life be over? Are you afraid to live alone? Are you afraid you won't find anyone else?

Below is a post I want you to read to help you understand what is happening right now.

Very sorry for what you've gone through here, it's heartbreaking. You've done some things very well and handled the initial situation as well as can be expected. More recently however you're falling into a very familiar pattern that leads to a long period of pain and limbo.

Being in this situation is like dying of thirst floating on a raft in a poison lake. Everyone will tell you not to drink the water, and why you shouldn't drink the water and what will happen to you if you drink the water. You can intellectually understand what they're saying, you "get it", you can convince yourself that you're not going to drink the water, but each night when you go to sleep and each morning when you wake up, you're thirsty as hell and the water is right there, so it's extremely easy to convince yourself that a little sip can't hurt. Despite the fact that you know you should not drink the water, you will just keep doing it because you keep convincing yourself it’s okay to do so because you're just dying of thirst.

So how do we bring that to your scenario? There is really only one prescription and that is to take the focus off of W entirely and focus only on you, your life, and what you want from it. Your learnings about what you need to improve about yourself are an asset you take with you, but everything else about W, what W is doing, what W is thinking, etc. needs to be entirely put aside.

You are not safe for her to approach until she feels you've let her go. That's a simple truth, but incredibly hard to accept.

Reaching out to W, making overtures, contacting W's family, talking to OM's W, snooping on W, this is all "drinking the poison water"

Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong, and then cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?

The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.

When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.

That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!

You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.

Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.

With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.

You're dying of thirst (feeling out of control), and pursuing W is drinking the water out of the poison lake. You think it will satisfy your thirst each time you do it, but really it's just making you sicker.

We will tell you "don't drink the water!" Intellectually you'll agree, but the water is always there and logically it seems that drinking it is the shortest path to no longer being thirsty.

Instead, you need to paddle your ass to the shore, leave the raft behind, and get a drink somewhere else.

That's not code for having your own affair or finding a new woman to have a relationship with. It has to do with finding an authentic way to rebuild your feeling of being in control, controlling your own destiny and getting your mojo back.

If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.

Don't drink the water. I know its right there. Don't drink it.
There is really only one prescription and that is to take the focus off of W entirely and focus only on you, your life, and what you want from it. Your learnings about what you need to improve about yourself are an asset you take with you, but everything else about W, what W is doing, what W is thinking, etc. needs to be entirely put aside.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I am going to be completely blunt with you. If you don't change your behavior immediately, you are going to dig yourself into a hole you will not be able to get out of and it will end badly for you. You caught your wife sending completely inappropriate texts to another man and you collapse and apologize WTF??????? She forgave you WTF????

Look man I know this stuff is not easy but the first thing you need to do is find your b@lls and let her know this is completely unacceptable behavior to you. You can't control her but if you let her walk all over you I guarantee it will end badly for you.

Please read up on boundaries and start to think about whether you are ok being in an open marriage.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I feel like D5 will look at us when she is older and ask why this all went down. What am I going to say?

Just tell her the truth- you don't know what happened. You tell her you loved her mother and still do and would have stayed with her forever, and you thought she felt the same. But sometimes one person grows apart from the other for reasons we don't understand, and when it happens you have no choice but to let them go. You say it without anger, hatred or malice. She will understand. How do I know this, because I had this exact conversation with my kids and they understood. One of my D's said "well you were together for 25 years and that is pretty amazing, and you did an awesome job of raising us." She's very wise.

[Ready2Change]

Link

Note for LBS spouses that seems to be working for me:

1) detach (better called self-differentiation). I think it's a domesticated belief that it's not safe or healthy for spouses to have freedom. B.S. It's super healthy and seems to be working for me. Each of us can be who we are and do what makes us happy without needing the other person or worrying about what the other person thinks. Not detaching is a subconscious form of control...let it go.

2) Use the gift of time...never force it. I think you always need to examine your behavior and thoughts...why are you doing something??? Is it really to control S or you want things to happen quicker? Pain and anxiety usually makes this worse. Learn some techniques to reduce pain and anxiety. Giving some statement of gratitude always helped me. I am grateful for healthy and bright children, I'm grateful that my parents are still alive, I'm grateful that I have a job I am happy with, etc. I also have a journal that I look at every day...It give me words of affirmation, it lists Sandi' rules, and tips from this forum.

3) READ, READ, and READ more...there are tons of self-help book that can help with 180s. I read all I can on LLs, how to communicate, how to have healthy relationships, etc.

4) Mirror your spouses behavior when it comes from the relationship. When spouse starts initiating conversations more, you start initiating some conversation IN PROPORTION. When spouse starts touching in affection, you start touching in affection IN PROPORTION. When spouse starts giving you a kiss, you start initiating a small kiss IN PROPORTION.

That's all for now. Honestly, it feels like we are reconciling, but just without the physical intimacy and affection. Patience...right .

[Ready2Change]

Link

If I could give you one piece of advise it would be to STOP the snooping. Trust me when I say sometimes when you go looking for something, you find it. Then when we find that something we can’t emotionally handle it. It crushes us inside. So do yourself a favor and stop snooping on him.

Listen, I’m no expert. I still make mistakes with DB and GAL, I think that everyone who is here does. I also believe that even the vets did. This sh@t is hard, so don’t beat yourself up. Just take things one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. But again by all means, don’t go looking for something that you’ll wish you didn’t find.

The vets are spot on, the only thing you can do is give your H space right now. You can’t beg, cry, persuade, influence, or force him to do anything. The only person you have control over is you.

I know it’s hard, believe me I do, I’m currently living it. But guess what I’m doing, I’m LIVING. Take this time to improve and work on you.

Trust me when I say that these people on this forum know what they are talking about. I’ve implemented many of the suggestions and advice I’ve been given. It always amazes me how it works like a charm.

Take care of you, take care of your kids, work on improving you, and leave him to his mess.

I hope that helps. I’ll be back soon!

[Ready2Change]

Link

She calls me to tell me how bad the kids were behaving, which I don’t know what I’m suppose to do when I am at work.

Classic guy comment. "How am I supposed to fix this when I'm somewhere else." The answer is this- SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO FIX IT. Women don't want us to fix all their problems, 99% of the time they are just venting and want someone to LISTEN and VALIDATE. So you say something like "oh wow, that sounds very frustrating, is that how you feel?" She says "yes I'm so frustrated I want to scream!" You say "That does sound very frustrating! I'm sorry you're going through that, but thank you for getting them ready each morning." Later she'll be talking to her friend and say "I don't know what's happened to him, suddenly he's LISTENING to me and COMMUNICATING with me." That's the effect listening and validating has.

In her ranting and raving she said this is one of the reasons our marriage didn’t work, because I don’t always take out his clothes. I literally almost laughed on the phone.

Your response- "I am sorry, I imagine that is a big deal when you're already frustrated over trying to get them ready. I will try and remember to always have the clothes out before I leave." Her point is this- she doesn't feel you were a member of a team with her. Sometimes you got the clothes out, sometimes you didn't. And when you didn't, guess whose responsibility it became? Your wife's. Is that fair to her you think? You might see it as a small thing, but it could very well be an indication of a much larger issue of you constantly choosing when you do and do not perform your marriage responsibilities and leaving her to pick up the slack when you don't. Right?

Meaning, she talks about how we all drain her and most days she just wants to run away. Well I hate to tell her even in divorce you will still have the kids and now by yourself.

Once again you are dismissing her feelings. Here's a validation test for you, how SHOULD you respond if she says the above again? Write out the exact quote of what you think you should say to her.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I feel like in this process that I'm going through I'm simultaneously happier than I have ever been and more desperately sad than I have ever been. I just feel like my range of emotions has exploded in both directions.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I’ve been walking around singing and dancing and just being happy. He doesn’t really know how to take it. He keeps telling me that something is different about me and that he’s confused. I coyly laugh and say “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” Lol. Bless his heart. I did some other things that I won’t share here. But the important thing is that the DB techniques work.

Also some of you vets have talked about how the LBS changes during this process and you’re absolutely right. I’m learning to control my actions, learning to guard my words. I’m still a work in progress but thank God I’m not the same woman that logged on here for the first time months ago. I’ve grown and he’s right something is different about me. I’m LIVING!

I’m not sure what’s going to happen with us. However, what I can say is that whatever happens, I’m going to be just fine! I’ve been doing the necessary work on me. I’ve completed my 180’s and I’ve been consistent at them. I’m so proud of the progress that I’ve made.

I’m working on me. I’m working on being the best version of myself that I can. I’m going to show him a woman he would be a fool to walk away from. And if this M comes to an end, I’m proud that I will be able to say...I did ALL that I could have done!