[quote=svdad]I told her next time we talk she better come to the table having done her research and knowing at the very least her ideal parenting plan.
This sounds like a threat. So what if she DOESN'T do her research and comes to the table again?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
[quote=svdad]I told her next time we talk she better come to the table having done her research and knowing at the very least her ideal parenting plan.
This sounds like a threat. So what if she DOESN'T do her research and comes to the table again?
It's not a threat, it is a demand in order to be able for me to participate in talking again. If she does not come to the table with what I am asking for, I will have nothing to discuss. There will be no talking.
I like that answer......but I think you should have employed that the first time. You've now established a pattern. She thinks she can get your ear about this stuff. Likely her goal is to get you to do the hard work of the actual D. Stand your ground on that. Please do not let this become an occasion to scold her. Her: "I want to discuss separation." You: -ask 20 questions to which she has no answers- "Do not come to the table again unless you've done your research!"
This gets you no where. There will come a time when she has talked to a lawyer, or mediator and will have an appointment. Let her start with that. And then engage. Anything else is just you using it to make yourself feel better knowing she has no idea, and you taking her to task over it.
svdad, how do you think your exchange with her helped your sitch?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
svdad, how do you think your exchange with her helped your sitch?
I think I achieved one of my goals - which is to help her understand that divorce is no quick/easy/non-forever changing decision and that she needs to really understand the implications here. She is so caught up with her 'new happy life' and OM that she is borderline delusional at this point. By doing research, talking to L/mediator hopefully she will make the right decisions for our kids futures.
From what I've seen, very few WASs ever understand "that divorce is no quick/easy/non-forever changing decision", nor they they ever really understand the implications. At least not until much later. They are too caught up in the fog of 'new happy life' and OM. And you are right, she is borderline delusional. So how did that achieve the goal of helping her understand?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And you are right, she is borderline delusional. So how did that achieve the goal of helping her understand?
She is now aware that I will not have further talks about our divorce agreement, and therefor will not go to mediation with her until she prepares herself and provides me with her plan for (at the minimum) child agreement.
You cant go to mediation if you dont agree on much, and at this point without knowing what she wants we are at a standstill. She is aware of this now.
svdad, the problem is that you are trying to apply logic to an illogical creature. I have no doubt that she will try to have this discussion with you again without doing the research. In her mind she did her part, she emailed the online divorce site.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
svdad, Just getting caught up on your sitch. Every sitch is different but I just wanted to give you a bit of an idea of what way this could go. I was/still am in the same boat as you regarding a lack of plan and understanding on W's part regarding a separation agreement or plans for how D might look. Myself and I think a lot of others on here possibly including you may be under the impression that our spouse getting a dose of reality about D may wake them up and in some cases it does. This did not happen at all in my case. As the months wore on my thoughts turned into "I want her to make a plan so we can get this settled and I can start to really move on with my life". That didn't happen either. I could be wrong but I have a feeling your W may be perfectly content ignoring anything to do with actually officially separating and the more you try and help her understand the reality of it the more she will avoid the subject.
Steve - you very well might be right! She [was] a very smart lady before this fog, and from the look on her have last night she might have had a light bulb go off. Maybe. Maybe not. But I am not the one rushing for a D so either way I am OK with this. At the end - I want what is best for our kids. Having a WW wanting online shotgun D without understanding nearly anything regarding agreements is not.
svdad, Just getting caught up on your sitch. Every sitch is different but I just wanted to give you a bit of an idea of what way this could go. I was/still am in the same boat as you regarding a lack of plan and understanding on W's part regarding a separation agreement or plans for how D might look. Myself and I think a lot of others on here possibly including you may be under the impression that our spouse getting a dose of reality about D may wake them up and in some cases it does. This did not happen at all in my case. As the months wore on my thoughts turned into "I want her to make a plan so we can get this settled and I can start to really move on with my life". That didn't happen either. I could be wrong but I have a feeling your W may be perfectly content ignoring anything to do with actually officially separating and the more you try and help her understand the reality of it the more she will avoid the subject.
Hey Ryan, thanks for that! My wife is *very* keen on getting divorced. She wants it done asap. The problem is - I have supported her and done nearly everything for her for the last 16 years. She is content being in fairly tale land with OM up to this point. She needs to come to the table with the reality of D and what it entails, and let me know her plan on financials, child agreements, etc and so far has none of that. Is that like your sitch or no?
