Rocky Road

[Miler]

Yes, totally agree with the plan guys. Given this is our second round of this, I'll going to bet it's a "phases" situation. She's going to have to REALLY trust that things are different.

And Steve, staying the course is actually permanent. I don't plan on changing my behavior should she come back 100%.

She texted a simple, Good Morning! this morning. I texted back, good morning, everyone get off to a good start? She responded that the kids were slow this morning, but not bad. I responded, great, and it's Friday! She gave a simple, Yep! and I left it at that.

It will certainly be interesting to see what I walk into on Sunday afternoon. Also, we have MC on Monday morning, so undoubtedly, I'll get a temp check there.

I booked an appointment with a barber shop where I am for work...one of these hip upscale deals . Believe it or not, I have cut my own hair with trimmers since I was 15. No joke, haven't paid for a haircut in 30 years with the exception of when my best man paid for me and all the groomsmen to get haircuts before my wedding. Thanks for the suggests R2C and Steve!

[Miler]

Also wondering if there's ever an instance where a WAW (or whatever mine is in this instance) just up and decided, nah, I'm out?

As I've outlined in the thread, there definitely has been positive movement and baby steps, but the story I tell myself in my head is that she's inches away from walking. Granted, she just told me 5 days ago, I have had numerous opportunities when things were really bad just to walk away from this M, why would I do that now (she even threw in, it's not like we are walking around the house all miserable?

[SteveLW]

Miler, I completely agree with you about NOT changing behavior. 180s are permanent. Self-differentiation (detachment) is permanent. GAL is permanent (maybe not every night, but you should still do things outside of the house and with friends).

What you SHOULD change is the lack of pursuit. Once she is committed back you should buy her flowers occasionally. Take her out at least once a week on a date. Constantly fill her love tank with her love language! (I think you said it was quality time.)

Miler, one thing I would change when you get back, as long as she continues to make progress, is something called talk and touch charges. Please google them. I think once you are back from your trip you should start incorporating them daily. When my W started to make efforts I incorporated them to great effect. Go slow at first. The talk charges are great because they are hard to go to far with. But the touch charges you have to start small. A hand on her shoulder is you walk by. Rubbing her foot as you walk by her on the couch. Very small, short, almost imperceptible.

[Miler]

Thanks Steve, I think I definitely started the talk charges before I left. Small talk, asking about how she feels about certain things with her parents, the kids, her work, etc. I truly believe that the talk charges have led to her thawing and reconnection (asking me to go to lunch, giving me a kiss, texting ILY). I've tried 2 or 3 touch charges before I left. Once in the kitchen, she was reading a recipe while prepping dinner...I came up behind her and rubbed her back for a second and gave her a kiss on the back of the head...no response (probably 10 days ago). The night before I left, we were sitting on the couch after dinner watching our nightly TV show with the kids. I touched her foot really briefly, which led to the very awkward scratching of my shoulder for 1 second. Not sure she's there yet...

Obviously it's easy to led your head spin out of control, especially when you have contact twice per day like we do while I'm away, but I am just super fearful and anxious that the separation of this work trip will push her away (for whatever reason). Again, I'm sure most of this is paranoia from setting up expectations, but I can't help but wonder.

[SteveLW]

Don't do the touch charges for a reaction. Just do them. And the kiss on the neck was probably way too much at this time, take it slow.

[Miler]

Nightly update -

Very little interaction after the good morning exchange initiated by her. She texted me once throughout the day to ask about a work project that we work on together. About an hour before S11's basketball tournament game, I texted her to ask when was a good time for him to call so I could talk to him before the game. She responded immediately and called when she said he would. Spoke to S11 who was very talkative and excited...which really got me in a good mood. I heard him say, here mom, dad wants to talk to you after I told him I loved him. Not what I say, but I rolled with the punches. She was very upbeat and warm with standard responses...although she did give me a quick story about something funny related to S16. I ended the short call by saying I was excited for S11 and his team and she mimicked my excitement. I was very upbeat and warm. I asked 2 or 3 questions about her day to which she gave positive but short answers (essentially telling me that she's had standard boring day). She asked about my day.

I tell you, it's still super hard. My mind wanders...can't help but wonder what's she's thinking, where her head is at, or if she's going to be distant again when I get home. I guess I'll know soon enough Sunday and Monday in MC.

I have to admit, I just wanted to make sure I had nothing to worry about. A few people on my thread warned about potential EA/PA. I checked our family phone, text, and data records. She's had calls and texts to 3 numbers since I've left/ Her sister, her mother, and to a pottery company 2 states away. I looked through our Life 360 account and she's been to the grocery, Target, and my kids' schools since I've left. Hopefully, this will make me less anxious...I'm a ball of nerves at times during the day (though it does seems to be getting better).

I also went through with the haircut today. Looks good. Also did a little shopping and picked up a nice pullover during my lunch break. I'm continuing to read on loving detachment, secrets to healthy relationships, and emotional intelligence. I can just about guarantee that if we reconcile, I can do this...I can be a better me, a better H. And if we don't recon, I can still do it. It's all going to take practice, but I will certainly approach Rs differently.

[SteveLW]

How did you feel after checking the phone bill and Life 360?

[Miler]

I feel like I should have trusted her all along. I mean it is very relieving that she not engaging in any emotional attachment with someone else, especially when she has the opportunity with me out of town. However, she also promised me that she wouldn't see anyone else and would work on the M. My anxiety decreased significantly for like 2 hours, but in the long run, it didn't really help. It's my fear of abandonment that is driving my anxiety. I'm fearful that she doesn't want ME anymore. It's not about someone else for her, it's about I'm not meeting her emotional and love needs.

That's a long answer to your question, but long story short, I feel cruddy for checking, but I did help elucidate where my fears and anxiety is coming from. And there's only ONE answer to that issue...ME. I have to work on ME. I have to be a better Miler. She fell in love with ME a long time ago, and in and out of being in love over the last 20 years. I think that if I come a better version of that person, she'll fall in love with ME again.

[SteveLW]

Miler, that is why I asked you. I still occasionally go to my W's computer and check her Google account history (last time was about a month ago), and we have been reconciling for a year. And I have the same feeling as you. Afterward I feel cruddy, and beat myself up for not trusting her. And let's admit it, that is how we want to live, right? We don't want to be untrusting snoopers! We want to e able to trust our wives, take them at their word. Wouldn't that feel so much better?

I know it is hard, when that head starts spinning it is so hard to make it stop. But that means we are letting too much of ourselves be defined by the behavior of our wives. Hang in there. I went from spinning like that all day, to spinning like that maybe once every 4 or 5 months.

[Miler]

Steve, I can't thank you enough for that. W actually called my on the way home from the game. I spoke with S11 and he was so happy they won. I continued practicing my better communication skills with him. The W and I talked for 10 minutes or so. She was so warm and talkative. Honestly, I needed that. I so badly wanted to tell her I miss her. Crazy, for the last 24 hours, my head has spun some story that she's secretly leaving her phone at home and sneaking off with someone or that she's planning her walk and will have things half packed when I get home. I HAVE TO TRUST HER! When she says she's hopeful for us and is working on the M, I have to trust that it's just on a different time scale and way that I am.

The only thing you mention that I am right there with...although I feel fairly well self-differentiated and that I could do me without her, I still have a significant piece of myself being tied up to her "warmth" or willingness to talk, or some sign of something! She isn't recognizing it as pressure right now because I'm not around her, but man am I looking for any type of sign so I can be happy or devastated. I gotta get to "even" me.