I'm not surprised you didn't find anything when you snooped. Again, I think you were given a gift where your W is giving you one more chance to get your $hit together.
Now the key for you is to get your abandonment issues until control. People with these issues are usually very jealous and needy.
Listen and validate in MC and be prepared that you are probably going to hear things you will not like and not necessarily agree with. Don't get defensive. Say things like "I can understand while you feel this way".
Last night I just sent a group text to W, S16, D18 Saying have a great night, but not too much fun without me! Get some good sleep and wished everyone luck for their morning sports activties. Just said, Love y'all and can't wait to see you!
W was the first to text, GoodNight!!. S16 and D18 both texted Good night, dad, we miss you!!
I knew the house would be a rush starting early in the morning, so I just sent a group text to the family again saying good morning and wishing them luck! W got right back...Said, good morning babe! We all en route to our respective activities. Then she actually called me from S16's practice and we had a very nice conversation about the kids and their excitement. I kept it short and she told me to give them a call tonight when I got done. They were all going to our favorite pizza restaurant.
I called when I got off work and she answered very upbeat. Told me they had just eaten their favorite pizza. I acted so very happy for them (in the past I would have bellyached because I didn't get to go). The we talked about each kid's day for a while. I then made sure to ask about her day, about how her running has been going, and really just validated. She then asked if I wanted to talk to the kids...I enthusiastically said, heck yeah! Talked to each of the for a while. In a total 180, I was enthusiastic, asked questions, and was an empathetic listener. The gave the phone back to my W, who wanted to talk a little more! The talking was great, but I wanted her to get off wanting more of me. So, I thanked her for spending time with me on the phone and me getting to talk to the kids for such a while. She said, alrighty bubba, I guess we'll talk to you in the morning. I said, yay! you guys get to sleep in! She then reminded me that S11 had an early basketball game, so I was empathetic about having to get up so early. She then said ILY, call us when you get moving. I said ILY2, can't wait to see you guys tomorrow.
I know this was a great day for us, but I will have a lot of hard work when I get home, especially in MC Monday. I agree LH, I'll just validate and not try to fix or be defensive. I anticipate a little awkwardness when I get back. But I also plan to be very happy and upbeat when I get home (with my new fresh haircut ;)). I'll give everyone a kiss and ask how their day was going. Hopefully S11's team will make it to the championship, so I can see him play!!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Packing up for the 4 hour drive home... wish me luck! Upbeat and engaged is my motto for the day! I also cannot let her reaction or mood dictate my emotions, thoughts, or feelings. That's the hardest part of detaching/self-differentiation for me!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Upbeat and engaged regardless of how she is.................perfect!
Detach with love for both of you!
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
Walked in a she was smiling, we both gave each other a kiss, and first thing she asked...did you get a haircut? I said yes. D18 asked, don't you like it? She replied, yes, it's just that's the first time your father has paid for a haircut in 20 years.
I have been upbeat, engaged with the kids, helping with homework, and I went for a run. I went up to shower and she came up and started talking to me while I was in the shower. I asked about her feelings about S11's basketball tournament, she asked about my trip. I definitely was asking more questions that she was. Also asked about her family. You can tell she's dealing with a lot there.
She is smiling and engaging, but there still seems to be a small barrier there. I'm just going to keep up with my changes and be the man only a fool would leave. I think she's having a hard time believing this is real. Patience tonight, and I should get a real temp check tomorrow in MC. I will prepare for anything there, 180 there, and just validate and be an empathetic listener. Wish me luck!!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Hope my response to you about you and your W's past and how other people were involved didn't spook you into snooping or jumping into a panic. Apologies if I planted any seeds of doubt. When you initially commented on first BD, it was sorta touch and go and I am not one for having a false sense of security. It felt like you just knew that the issue of seeing other people hadn't worked itself back into the MR this time around, and I was asking to see what made you so sure. After you explained it and said you had tools in place, it made more sense. And honestly from all you've shared I didn't see your W as being WW or detect red flags in that regard. I think if the vets would have picked up on that, they would have dug into it early.
I feel the same way LH does. I think your W has truly given you another chance and you have a good shot to turn this around. Don't F it up.
Don't sabotage or become your worst enemy. Forward thinking. Lose the control.
if you have tools that allowed you to know what W was doing and you previously were using it, I don't see any issues with you having a normal routine of using whatever you have. Now if you are purposefully spying, then you are feeding your fear. As the protector, checking for blips on the radar every now and then, every few months or w/e hardly seems an issue.
I have high hopes for you.
Keep at it and keep posting. This way if you do anything questionable at this phase, like with the kissing on the neck or the initiating ILY, you get feed back appropriate for where you're at.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
