Clinging to Hope

[Ready2Change]

Everything you need to do is counter intuitive.

If you want to talk, be quiet.
If you don't feel like saying something, you need to speak out.
If you want to pursue him, distance yourself from him.


If you want to argue with him, stop and listen and agree with him. (Validation)



"I am not sure how I feel about that"
"I understand you feel that way"
"I am sorry you feel that way"
"I need time to process what you are saying"
"You are right, this is not working for me either"
"I have not decided"




Start reading this thread starting here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2836252#Post2836252

Then start reading her back story here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=61827&Number=2820685#Post2820685

There is great advise in her thread that should apply to you.

HUGS

You can handle this.

[hope2019]

Thank you Ready...I think I have exhausted myself reading through everything but it just reconfirms that hope for me.

Before now the longest he and I had gone without talking was 3 days. Today a friend of mine reached out to him without telling me, she was worried about him, like we all are as this is so out of character for him. He replied to her and said he hopes I continue on my journey to getting better and that he still wants the divorce but like he has told me it doesn't mean we can't try again in the future.

There's that hope again, but also I feel like he is literally telling me what he needs me to do...get better. I was so independent when we met but became so dependent on him after so many bad things happened. So I think that's what the get better part means. I relied on him too much to be my happiness instead of creating it for myself.


Yesterday would have been my dad's 70th birthday and I reminded him of it before he went away, he forgot, I'm not surprised it's not like things are normal now, but I guess our friend reminded him. I immediately got a text from him this morning saying he felt bad about not remembering yesterday and he hoped I was ok. I waited a few hours and replied, "thank you, acknowledged it but didn't dwell on it".

I wanted to be No Contact, but he has told me before that he would dread coming home if he thought I was angry at him or that there would be conflict. he is back from his trip (in house separation), on Thursday, and I think if I had gone along with not replying, it would have made him think I was angry about him forgetting.

Did I do this wrong or right?

I need patience. That's what I am struggling with.

[hope2019]

I'm struggling today. Hoping to hear some success stories of people who's spouse had filed and then managed to do LRT or something. I know so many things I did wrong and that I need to work on, time is not on my side. Add to that my job seems to be trying to manage me out and everything is really scary right now I love him so much and just want him to give me the patience to be the spouse he deserves.

[ovrrnbw]

Hope,

I can tell you are very upset right now. I've been there, I know it stinks. I will encourage to get out and do things. I would encourage to not talk to him a whole lot or plan around him.

There's no one thing that's going to change his mind. Your friend calling him is just adding pressure to him. Don't pressure him, he's already feeling rough.

If you need to not talk to him, take some time to yourself. Put your needs first. Read.

And yes, it's time to implement the LRT. Make sure you read DR for all the forms of pursuit. Do not pursue at all. Go GAL. That's it.

[Ready2Change]

I'm struggling today. Hoping to hear some success stories of people who's spouse had filed and then managed to do LRT or something. I know so many things I did wrong and that I need to work on, time is not on my side. Add to that my job seems to be trying to manage me out and everything is really scary right now I love him so much and just want him to give me the patience to be the spouse he deserves.

HI girl,

I am a success story even though I did not save my marriage. I saved me. I saved my relationship with my children. That is success in my eyes.

Time is really on your side. You might now see it now.

I have seen many here turn their wayward spouse around. They did this by changing their focus from the spouse to themselves. They stop trying to control the other person and focus on the one thing they can control. Themselves and the way the interact with their spouse.

Did you read Livings thread? She got her H to at lease stop. She has not posted in awhile, but I believe she has a good chance.


I wish you well. HUGS

[hope2019]

Thank you. This is what I am trying. Just struggling to find any happiness when GALing. It's hard being back to single mum status whilst he just books trips away all the time.

From his replies he didn't seem to bothered by her reaching out but I have asked her not to do it anymore. He replied to her again saying "he feels emotionally broken and just wants to rebuild mini steps from the start for him, then who knows. but he isn't to stubborn to say we'll never get together again.


So I get this big sense of hope. Knowing I need to work on me...for me... knowing I need to become happier because I make me happy, more secure, more confident, independent, and then I start to feel feelings of anger...not real anger but I'm not sure what to call it, that I feel like a second choice...that everything he is saying points to a separation not to a full blown divorce with papers signed in 2 days.

His family and friends hate that he got married, and I think that put a lot of pressure on him, I'm realizing now that I spent the marriage trying to change that rather than accepting it and not caring.

I know I need to work on my patience, I'm actually really proud of myself for not contacting him at all when he was away. Up until the day he left (ok its only been 6 days), I was calling him 5-10 times a day, multiple texts, all pursuing, getting in bed with him to cuddle in the hope it would mean something to him. His absence forced me to just live without him and I'm going to pat myself on the back for getting through that first goal, it's a baby step but its still a step I did respond when he text me but nothing about the relationship, or me, just casual, nice responses. Hoping I can keep that up when I see him in person.

It's crushing our daughter...I say ours because she is desperately in love with him and he with her. It makes me angry he is doing this to her, but from what he said to our friend he was really happy she facetimed him whilst he was away.

I just need the patience to get through this long road. My IC sessions don't seem enough. I also think I am being managed out of my job which is scary, hoping to find something new so I can really start fresh.

Please send good thoughts, prayers, my way. I was in a very dark place last night and this morning. I managed to not cry since Friday...untoil today and now the tears wont stop.

[hope2019]

Thank you RTC!

I needed to read that today. I think with the divorce being so quick, and him being away so much I don't believe I have time but I also know in the last week I was doing really well. Zero pursuing, not quite able to detach yet.

I did read them but will reread now.

My focus right now is trying to make myself happy and I know I need a new job for that, so that's where I am putting my effort in, and any time I don't have my daughter or at work, the gym will be home. I want to love myself again.

[Miler]

Hang in there hope! You have to focus on you. Make yourself better and happy without your S. It's hard...it's super hard. 4 years ago, my W filed for divorce, was dating someone else, and I was living in an apartment. I even started dating (which in hindsight was a mistake). Literally 5 days before the divorce was to be final, she called it off and we began the reconciliation process.

You really have to focus on you and heal from the relationship. We never properly healed and there are a number of wounds from dating others...even 4 years later. I'm back in the stormy seas of limbo, but am DBing again and see results. I'll tell you, it's daily work, reading, and posting here. I can completely wrap my head around detaching, and even feel detached for periods of time, then I struggle again. Practice your 180s on others as well as your S.

Hang in there and begin the process of you! It takes the pain away and you'll be better off for it no matter where the relationship end up!

[SoTorn]

I'm struggling today. Hoping to hear some success stories of people who's spouse had filed and then managed to do LRT or something. I know so many things I did wrong and that I need to work on, time is not on my side. Add to that my job seems to be trying to manage me out and everything is really scary right now I love him so much and just want him to give me the patience to be the spouse he deserves.

I am doing LRT. But im not a success story. I am doing LRT because I am done with my WW. One thing I can tell you that you will be successful at is being happy again. September through November 2018 I was hurting badly. I missed my W so much. I loved her so deeply and dearly. But she didnt care and I allowed myself to ride the emotional rollercoaster of pain.

I decided to stop everything that resembled pursuit and to focus on my happiness and my kids happiness. I am headed for D and will move out soon, but I am happy and excited about it because I know I will be fine and that I will be happy.

Try hard to just do whats right for yourself right now. Drop any expectations you have for your M because it just causes you to spin in circles and hurt constantly. You will be fine. You will get through this and you will be happy again. Trust me. Trust yourself. You may or may not remain married. But you are responsible for your own happiness and will find it again.

I still get down and have bad days. But I know that I have a ton of life left and I am going to spend it doing what makes me happy and not worrying about my WW. She can worry about herself.

[hope2019]

I think this is what scares me, I'm afraid the 180 or LRT will just push him further away, I know everything I did wrong in my marriage, my anger is that he gave up on us so quickly. I truly believe he thinks he needs to fix his family first and then add me back in. On the surface I want to say no way, I should have been the priority but then deep down I know how happy we were, that this crisis was born out of my wrongdoings and his family and that he has just become so emotionally unattached.

I'm going to journal a little...

He came back last night from his trip home. I happened to be in the bath when he got home and he came in the bedroom to have conversation. I was polite but didn't really participate, I tried not to be cold but I wasn't really sure what to do. I could hear he was in the living room afterwards so I just stayed in my room. I think I should have gone out and said hi but I am trying to give him the time and space he requested.

It was pretty much the same thing this morning, I wasn't cold but I think I have pulled back too much so tonight I will aim to be friendlier and try to find that balance of not pursuing but also being focused on my goal of us coming back together.

I am grateful for the time apart. It really allowed me to take stock of me and come up with some personal goals:
- Stop taking everything so personally
- Stop being so dramatic over everything
- Enjoy life, even when some things are bad (job for example), I should focus on the things that make me happy
- Trust myself - to be more confident, and more secure in who I am and my value
- Become more independent - I have a pattern of becoming completely codependent in relationships, I am not happy unless I am with my significant other and I need to become more secure. My attachment goes from Secure to anxious which is not who I want to be.
- Trust others more
- Don't make permanent decisions on temporary feelings - I have cut a lot of people out over silly things without ever thinking of the consequences
- Lower my expectations - I feel disappointed a lot, like I do a lot more for others than they do for me, and so I tend to to take the things they do for granted.

So my focus tonight is to be kinder, and if he wants to spend some time with him, not just have this fleeting awkwardness. I am going out with a friend from work first so won't be returning home immediately and then I hope we can just spend a little time together, and if we don't then I will be OK. He leaves tomorrow, early, on another trip (preplanned a year ago for bachelor party mardi gras), he has promised me over and over that he will not do anything with other women and this isn't his intention. I believe him and I have no choice but to trust him (because I want to and because he has never given me a reason not to, see goals above!). I don't like the thought of him leaving thinking I am being cold to him.

I learnt so much whilst he was away this time, I can just keep doing what I am doing and hope he notices. this evening will be a full week where I haven't called him, text him, asked for reassurances on the hope he has for us, questioned his decision, had relationship talk etc...it's certainly hard but is getting easier.