Clinging to Hope

[Miler]

You can do this hope!

[hope2019]

I’m frustrated at myself. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Mostly journaling here.

I went out and had a good catch up with a friend. Still feel a bit like a ghost when out at the moment but hoping that will fade soon.
He came home about an hour after me and was chatty. I tried to be more upbeat. Something I need to work on a little more. We sat and talked for a little. No R talk, but he did ask some things about the new house I’m buying. A few times I walked away and he made comments like where are you going etc. acknowledged that there was some kind of shift in us. I let him know my thoughts of possibly moving out earlier but he was against that, said it made sense for me financially to stay until July 1st. He then let me know my mum had emailed him and he had replied. I didn’t know this had happened. After a while he decided to go up to bed and gave me a really long hug, of his own doing not mine. So I should have just left it there.

I asked my mum to forward me the emails. I appreciated what she said to him. She was defending me and how awful his family had been to me and she’s just trying to protect me. His reply was kind but harsh. A line in there stating he would love to be friends with me but who knows what will happen in the future but that I know there is a less than 50% chance of us reconciling. I panicked.

I took deep breathes and then I went upstairs and just hung out at his door for a second. He told me he was just about to text me and then we made awkward small talk and I was turning to leave when he asked me to come in. I didn’t tell him I had now seen the emails. I just said I’m worried about the hope thing. I don’t know if it is good or bad to have it and whether it is helping me or hindering me on my journey to work on me. He understood. He said he has come to terms with me being in the house until July 1st because he knows it’s the best thing for me financially but also referenced something I said a week ago about who knows what will happen by then between us.

I was quite honest and said realistically I couldn’t move my daughter out, have him realize it’s a mistake and move her back in, that I have more respect for her and I than that. He said well there would be nothing stopping me moving in with you and us renting out this place as an investment. All positive things I guess. The whole time he was reaching out and holding my hand so I let him. He then started talking about how he was missing being intimate with me and had thought of me a few times during his time away. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I left straight away afterwards back to my own room. I just don’t want to reject him when he is needing something but also I don’t think he was cake eating. I think seeing the changes in me was a shock to him.

This morning before he left for his trip, I was in the kitchen being polite and he was just super off with me. I stumbled again and said would you have hope if you were me, he said you asked me this yesterday and I don’t want to repeat myself. I made a comment about not remembering and wishing him a good trip and went to my room. He has left now for the week. He text me a few minutes into his journey saying I’m ok just tired.

Everything was going so well but definitely 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Whilst he is away I will go back to no contact and then I think he is home for a little longer this time, so more chances to make mistakes but also more chances to LRT, 180 etc trying to remember this is a slow, slow process.

He looks happier and I told him that. He looks like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. It’s sad to me. It’s like my husband is coming back to himself but not for me.

I really hope we can work this out. Last night felt like a win and now this morning not so much.
My plan:
- not contacting him at all during his trip
- doubled my IC sessions
- getting a life this weekend
- ask family and friends not to contact him
- work on the being upbeat, engaged and aloof when he comes back next week.

[AlisonUK]

Hi Hope

those sound like good plans to me.

I am new here so I don't have experience or suggestions - I still have lots of confusion and questions about my own situation. It sounds like your H is speeding towards things, perhaps because it he thinks it will make him feel better to be certain rather than in the limbo that an unhappy marriage or even piecing would involve. It is very very early days in your situation (mine too). I think I would try not to read too much into what he is saying or doing right now. What are your GAL plans and how are they going?

[Miler]

I can tell you from my own situation and from what I've read for long time vets, women tend to process things over time, need time, and can process with their S in the house. Men hate being in limbo, don't see the gift of time, want things to be resolved quickly, and the panic can sometime lead to the end of the R (or them moving out, etc.). Don't try to understand it, just accept with and detach. Each of you have to go things your own way and on your own time...that's the scary part! Just keep doing what you are doing, keep working on yourself, and follow everything DB you know!

You can do this...patience!

[hope2019]

That’s why I thought it was so odd that I said I was going to move out and he doesn’t want me to. He mentioned the financial side of things but the fact he said and “like you said it gives us time to see where we are at”. But he is adamant the divorce has to happen and then we can see where we are at after that. It’s just odd. He seemed a lot more open and thoughtful yesterday. It’s good for me to no the going dim and LRT was working. But also I know he is seeing changes in me because I am seeing them to. He gave up on me but I refuse to give up on me.

GAL is hard for me but I have been going out a lot. Socializing with friends, I’m trying not to turn down any invites anywhere. Made my butt go to the gym and relax by the pool today for some self care. Tomorrow I’m taking my daughter to the beach, I love the beach but haven’t gone much in 3 years because he doesn’t like going. If we can make round 2 work, I’m not giving up the things I love like the beach. I’m going to accept we don’t need to be together 24/7 and just enjoy my independence as well

[Miler]

Great perspective hope!

[hope2019]

It’s so much easier when he isn’t here to almost pretend he doesn’t exist and then I can easily do no contact. I’m not sure if I did it wrong or right last night by being intimate with him. I’m just not sure it’s right for me to reject his advances. He definitely isn’t having an affair. He just became so unhappy, homesick and many, many troubles from his family, recent work stress and my issues all just got too much. Sadly all those problems are fixable.

I know whatever happens I am going to be a better person, I am going to fix my faults. I am not going to let myself fail again in the future. I wish I could have done these things before it was too late but that’s neither here nor there now. I’m hoping I can delay the divorce enough to give him time to think but I don’t think that’s possible.

He and I are so meant to be together. When things were great they were out of this world great. Just going to keep doing my 180’s, I literally changed overnight from contacting him all day every day, via text and calls, to not at all. Not once. I also did a 180 by not following him round the house, when he came home from the first trip I think he was shocked I didn’t make an effort to see him. I was too cold. I need to find the middle ground. Please hope and pray for us.

I saw the father in law from my first marriage today when I picked up my daughter. All he said was I’m sorry about H. I immediately started to cry and so did he. Everyone loved him, even my ex in-laws. Everyone knew we were meant to be together. I just wish he hadn’t given up on us so quickly. Feeling weak today, but I won’t give in to the temptation to contact him so he can have a nice boy’s trip without having to worry about all of this.

This is more just me thinking out loud because I feel lonely.

[Ready2Change]

I understand.

Just remember that things happen for a reason. From what I have studied and read, marriage is there to "Fix" your issues.

One partner gets to a point where they are brave enough to leave a bad sitch. Change the sitch so they have second thoughts. This is part of the normal process. You can't control him, but you can control you and how you interact and respond to him. You change the way you interact, forces him to change the way he interacts.


Enjoy the intimate times. Nothing wrong if you are confident that he is being exclusive with you. Just know many of us believed there was no affair. Make sure your eyes are wide open.

I believe surprising your spouse in the bedroom may help. I try surprising my lady with new things on a regular basis. Doing some 180's in the bedroom may be worth testing. Example, if communication was lacking, do more talking. If sessions were short, make them longer. If he always initiated, you start initiating more.

[hope2019]

I think I just feel confused. Doing LRT and going very dim, it obviously worked as I distanced he pursued, and so we ended up being intimate which seems to be against the rules. So now I just go back to LRT?

I really struggled last night and for the first time in a while couldn’t sleep at all. Just feel so angry with myself and so lonely. He gave me so many opportunities to get help and fix my insecurity issues and I failed him and me so many times. I know regardless I will change for the better but I just want him back so badly.

The trips away for him are allowing me to do a lot of 180s because I used to call him all the time or be angry when he returned. We are zero contact now whilst he is away and then when he is home he avoids coming home until late every night and retreats straight to his room. Trying to have patience. I know it’s not even be a month yet since the BD. I just feel so out of control with everything in my life. And really so very down right now.

[hope2019]

Trying to find the small wins... got through another weekend “on my own”. I hate work at the moment but I actually really am not enjoying the weekend. I read an interesting article today about losing your identity in a relationship and that’s exactly what happened to me. I went from independent and confident to full co-dependent and completely insecure. I need to work on those things if I am to have any hope that he will come home.

Still practicing my 180s, LRT, and going dark.

Question for anyone reading... he is in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, left early Saturday morning and won’t be home until late on Wednesday night. My daughter FaceTimed him yesterday evening to say hi. Having zero contact really is difficult for me but I am doing it so far. I also want to maintain some contact so I don’t know if I should just send a friendly text or not, something silly, breezy and friendly. We always make jokes about the amount of beads he takes with him and how many boobs he will see. Should I send a friendly; hope you are having a great time, hows the beads for boobs count going?
Just something tongue in cheek and silly. It’s so hard trying to balance not chasing but also not being cold.