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Everything is counter intuitive.

"Set him free" to win him back.
Do not text him when you feel like texting.
Speak up when you feel like being quiet.
Walk away when you feel like following.

At the beginning it is confusing. It is important to focus on you. You are focused on him if you initiate. Wait for him to contact you. Change up the way you respond. Surprise him with your responses.

He thinks he knows you. Prove him wrong.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Ok, phew. I will try. Its the not knowing if I am doing it right or wrong thats tough.

He went to new orleans last year for his bachelor party and I was jealous and untrusting so didn't contact him at all. I'm not sure if it is a 180 for me to send him something smiley and jokey or not. But then I think with no contact he will think I'm moving on and that might make him reconsider things. It's so tough not knowing what to do.


ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18
Got Better - 12/20/18
Counseling - Jan and Feb
MIL issues - Jan
BD - 2/13/2019
IHS - 2/14/2019
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It boils down to no pressure and him missing you as well as him seeing positive changes in the way you interact when you do interact.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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You're amazing thank you. I get so lost in the weeds and your advice over the last few days have kept me strong. I am still trying to figure it out and remember who I am but that is a really good focus. I think I will send a completely pressure free text, my gut instinct is not to because he is away but also I think a fun and supportive but completely non-pressured text will be a change in the way we usually interact when he is away smile a 180 almost.


ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18
Got Better - 12/20/18
Counseling - Jan and Feb
MIL issues - Jan
BD - 2/13/2019
IHS - 2/14/2019
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I suggest waiting for him to initiate texting. Then you can reply.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Ok, i’ll Do that. I don’t think he will text first but I don’t want it to come across as pressure. I’m just trying to figure out the balance between being the girl he fell in love with who would have sent a silly text like that and missed him when he was away a normal amount, and divorce busting. It’s such a tricky thing


ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18
Got Better - 12/20/18
Counseling - Jan and Feb
MIL issues - Jan
BD - 2/13/2019
IHS - 2/14/2019
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We can give recommendations based off of what worked for others. Only you can figure out what works for you.


I know H asked for time and space and fast D. Give him the first two and let him set the pace for the third.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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**sorry for the long post.


I was searching for a company info in our previous conversations on WhatsApp today and it took me back to December 2015, right when we became an exclusive couple and first said I love you. Stupidly or not I read through the whole month of texts and found so many differences with the person I was then and the person I am now.

The person I was then: prioritized work, didn't do much chasing, let him start all the serious relationship talks, had a life outside of him, missed him a normal amount when he was away, was fun, flirty, invited him to things but still went even if he couldn't, had friends, wasn't afraid, was really secure with myself, confident (maybe too confident), didn't need to spend every night with him, was so excited to meet his friends and family on our next trip home, I was proud of what I had achieved and wasn't jealous of anyone....


Not one of those things is true now, and I miss myself so much. We had some really tragic events happen, 2 weeks after he proposed my niece and nephew passed away in my presence and I think I had a breakdown for the next 2 years. I wasn't allowed to be upset because they weren't my babies, I needed to be their to support my sister and family and he was amazing at supporting me, but then I think I forgot to fix myself because I became so used to him fixing everything. He has some major family issues and I let them become my issues, desperately trying to protect him from them and that's not what he needed, until he eventually chose them over me (though he won't admit that).

I have been trying hard to go and GAL, it has certainly been easier without him being here but I miss him so much. I know whatever happens in my future I will be ok but my goodness I miss him, I miss us so much. I am hating myself so much right now, that I knew what was going on but I never stopped enough to say I need help, I was always too proud. I'm really hoping my actions can speak louder than my words. I need to have the patience for myself to get through this with no shortcuts. I do have a fear that he will just think I'm doing ok and getting on with life. It's so hard to realize all this and not tell him...don't worry I won't. I know it will come off as pursuing.


I am going to create some goals to get back to being me but if anyone has advice I would really appreciate it:
- Fall Back in Love with my job, I had started to hate it because it took me away from my family but I need to go back to embracing it (this is easy, they have given me a 2 month project to help me through this time and it's a challenging distraction)
- No Chasing - Letting him come to me, I'm not sure about going fully no contact, especially as we live together, but letting him to come for conversations, texts, time together etc and enjoying them for what they are, no R talk!
- Relationship Talks - Not initiating any, letting him talk and validating them, making sure I am engaged, I realized after our talk on Friday that I test him even when he does initiate conversations.
- GAL - I'm going to make sure my daughter and I do something every weekend, and at least 3 nights a week, whether it be a simple dinner out or something like that, trying to reconnect with old friends, just have something to do a lot (this one I struggle with)
- Missing him - this one I have forced myself to do better by not initiating contact whilst he has been away. It's made me realize I am ok without him and life does continue when he isn't here (why did I learn this too late) I am also trying to find some self-help books with codependency etc
- Being Fun - GAL - trying to find my tribe again, we moved away from my close group of friends and I have struggled to find people similar to me, any advice on this!
-Being Flirty and Confident - I'm tryin to get my confidence back, I have lost 21lbs in the last 3 weeks thanks to the divorce diet, I'm still about 10lbs heavier than when we first met, but that was about 45lbs overweight so 55lbs to go, every time I lose 10lbs I am trying to buy myself something new that I feel good in. Even went to the gym this morning!
- Become more secure with myself - this one is a bit of a struggle, I think it will come with the confidence but I am trying to find books to read and working with my therapist to feel better on this.
Enjoy my independence - it's hard when I have my 6D all but 4 nights a month but I am trying to make the most of life after she has gone to bed (although wish I could be more social), and the times I don't have her, I will not waste my day laying in bed crying anymore
Pride - Trying to be proud of what I have achieved, sounds big headed but I am going to write myself a list, and ask friends and family to help me so I can read that list when I am feeling lost. One of my proudest moments was becoming an American citizen so I refer to that often. I think this list will help me stop feeling jealous of others
Excited to be with his family and friends - Obviously this one can't come unless we Reconcile, but I think during any conversations, me asking about them etc will help. These are good people, I had a choice when they started excluding me (they thought I was taking him away from them, as he wasn't visiting them as much as he had planned), I could either acknowledge their dislike of me and why, prove them wrong and kill them with kindness, or I could shut down and make it difficult for him, realizing now I was manipulating him to spend less time with them rather then us all spending more time with them, I definitely chose the wrong option, but hindsight is 20/20 and I think it was due to my insecurities. I have plans for this if we do reconcile.

If anyone has any advice on books I can read to help me understand some more of my issues, attachment/separation/codependency/abandonment issues/jealousy etc I would really appreciate it


ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18
Got Better - 12/20/18
Counseling - Jan and Feb
MIL issues - Jan
BD - 2/13/2019
IHS - 2/14/2019
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These sound like great goals. I am going to steal some of them for myself in my situation.

Two books I have read (from recommendations here) and found very useful are The Solo Partner and the Seven Secrets to Happy Relationships. The Solo Partner has a big chapter on emotional reactivity and another on the pursuer-distancer dynamic and I found both very useful. It has writing prompts and workshop style parts too, so you can work through it in a practical way if that floats your boat.

Co-Dependency No More is the major book in that area though personally I found the Co-Dependents Anonymous Big Book more useful and specific. It has lots of personal stories in it that can help you identify if you share those traits (like this forum, I suppose). There is a spiritual foundation to the ideas in that book - not necessarily religious - so it might not work for you if you're not that sort - but I read it with an open mind and just took the parts that were useful to me at the time.

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Feeling awful. There is no OW and I'm certain of that but my husband has a close female friend (used to be flat mates) and when we met they referred to each other as husband and wife. Nothing had ever happened between them but they were a close group of 4 and the 2 of them were best friends. I always had a horrible feeling about her, I always felt she had strong feeling for my H that she hadn't told him. We have argued about her several times in our R. This morning I saw on Instagram a picture of the two of them and she had used the hashtag husband on it.

I'm so upset that someone could be so disrespectful and can't help but think he is probably already back to calling her wife. Like the last 3 years didn't exist and my daughter and I just aren't important. It's taking everything in me not to call him and make him aware of it because I know that won't show that I'm moving on, it just really really hurts. It's like she is trying to be the OW but I know she never will be. I don't think shes an EA either, he did pretty much distance himself from her because it used to upset me when they talked as I didn't trust her. I should have trusted him though. Hating myself today.


ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18
Got Better - 12/20/18
Counseling - Jan and Feb
MIL issues - Jan
BD - 2/13/2019
IHS - 2/14/2019
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