Well you seem to have handled yourself quiet nicely in the bar. I'm not sure what you meant by moment 1, 2, etc. Touching your arm was a signal she was attracted and interested. Playing with her jewelry may have been a sign she was a little nervous or excited, IDK. I'd put more money on a woman (at least young ones) playing with her hair as a positive sign she's attracted to you. Another sign of positive body language, is when she is sitting with her body turned in your direction.
I felt that too, Sandi. I kept trying to think logically and told my heart to slow down because I may be more interested in her than she is in me, but everything that happened was...easy. I did not have to think about what to say or do (too much). The flow was very nice.
Originally Posted by sandi2
No, I don't see it as a red flag. I was going to tell you (before I read where she spoke up about it) that you had let too much silent time lapse between first meeting her and the rescheduled date night. She probably got cold feet and told herself she did not know you well enough. So, from now on, when you meet a new lady and get her phone number, put that phone to use. If the date is a week away, then maybe give her a call about the middle of the week. Don't talk a long time, and don't call every day before actually going out on a date together. This is a way of getting better acquainted with each other. It's also a way in which she can detect your personality, without getting distracted by your good looks.......and vise versa.
It is making better sense in light of what she told me of her emotional availability when it comes to pursuing romantic interests. I'm trying to keep it slow by communicating every few days, but everything I have been reading is that I need to initially set up the first few dates then let her come to me and pursue me. I just thought by keeping that much of a gap that the interest between us grows and that when we would meet again, the date would go well to the point where affection and even sex may be possible.
Originally Posted by sandi2
As for how you conducted yourself throughout the evening with her, I think you did well. A few pointers I would make is to not discuss your recent sitch with WW. Not on the first date. If she should ask about your marital status, just tell you are separated or in the process of D, whatever. If you and the woman should have a continual dating relationship, then you would tell her more information, but I think freshly separated people should not discuss their previous spouse/marriage on the first few dates.
The only other suggestion I have is not to tell the woman that you are amazing, AMOAFWL, or that any woman would be lucky to have you. It's fine to say it on the board, but not to your date.
I think I let the confidence I have gained turned me into a person who can express myself of who I am. I should remember that talk is cheap. It's actions that speak the loudest.
Originally Posted by sandi2
By reading the way you were beating up on yourself about how you had pursued her.....I thought you must have slept with her on the first date, or hounded her until she accepted a date. After reading the real account, I don't think you pursued anymore than she did. If you had been initiating all the texting and calls, then it would have been too much. You really need to stop being so hard on yourself.
That is something I have been working on. I am forgiving myself and giving myself more leniency when it comes to matters of the heart. This is carrying over from when I was DBing and was told that the WS is also responsible for the sitch and that even if I did make mistakes to weaken our MR, it was the other person who decided to take it down. While dating is a lot less serious compared to the loss of a MR, I am getting more comfortable with their decision to move forward or not as not a reflection of what I said or did. She may not have much interest and that's ok. I know who I am and who I am becoming. Many people are loving who I am and who I am becoming. I am attracting many more people, men and women alike. It's just going to be a matter of time.
Originally Posted by sandi2
I don't know what happened in your growing up years, and it's not necessary to know. Whatever it was, left you feeling as if your best is never good enough. I hope you won't see the suggestions I made as strong criticism. I think you did a great job at the bar and asking for a date. It didn't sound awkward or pushy. She seem to have enjoyed your company the night you met to eat.
I was picked on a lot in my younger years, and I took all of that to heart. My self-esteem was shot by the time I entered my teenage years. It has been a very slow climb to where I am now.
I am very proud at the results I got from the meeting, the communication in between, and the date. From the way we both felt, it was a very successful one and I made all of the right decisions and said the right words to make it happen.
Originally Posted by sandi2
By what you've written about her, I don't really get a feeling of her playing you. If she has come out of a bad relationship, she may be very cautious. I picked up on that the night at the bar, when you offered to go sit together. She wanted to return to the "group". To me, that suggested she felt more comfortable being in a group when she is meeting a man for the first time. I think when she did not hear anymore from you after giving you her phone number, she could have felt that you had lost interest or whatever. We could guess at what she thought all day, and it would be pointless.
I don't think or feel she is playing me either. I think the attraction is genuine. She is just being slow and cautious. Just like how I should be taking it.
Originally Posted by sandi2
I want to encourage you to date others. Please don't get serious about the first woman you date. You have a lot to offer, so be picky and take your time about commitments. It breaks my heart that you are starving for physical affection. There are a lot of people in the world who feel just like you.
I am working on the casual aspect. I have a social event I am going to tomorrow and next weekend as well. I carry myself as I have a lot to offer. And I'm working on building on that.
I'm doing good with the lack of physical contact overall. I know my time is coming. It a matter of "when" not "if". Patience is something that I learned is a gift.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Anyway, I suggest you wait for this woman to initiate the next contact. You are not in a committed relationship her and you don't need to be right now. I mean, even if she texts you again, that should not stop you from going out with someone else. Don't sit home wondering about this woman when there are millions of other women out there. I'm not certain I understand what you mean when you say you don't know how to slow down. When we tell you to go slow, we are saying don't jump back into a committed relationship before you have had time to date several women. Don't go out there dating, with the thought you are looking for your next spouse. Just date to have fun, expand your social life, and have a little companionship. Make sense? Don't get into another bad marriage, simply b/c you crave physical affection.
She texted me yesterday. I haven't had time to respond yet but I plan on doing so tonight. I'm going to see if I can coax her into another date. I still sense interest. I'm going to see what I can do with it.
I'm excited at the upcoming social events. I'm hoping I can continue to get more dates. I'm really liking where I am right now.
Originally Posted by sandi2
When I read about how your W pursued sex the first time you met face to face, it makes me wonder about her! I thought it was you moving too fast, but it sounds as if she was the instigator. I am old fashion, but if you were my son, I'd tell you to run from women who want to have sex when you first meet. IMHO, that would be a red flag!
Get back out there. Don't see everything as a rejection. It's not. It's often a blessing, and you just don't see it. Mark it down as experience and move on to the next woman. ((hugs))
Looking back, I was extremely desperate. I am happy that the relationship turned out the way it did, pre-BD. WW showed me what love can be, how amazing it can be, and that I am capable of being loved. If I can do it for WW, I can do it for many others. The advice I have been given here has been priceless and instrumental in my growth. It makes sense that I go familiar sources to continue my growth as I begin the journey of finding love anew.
She texted me yesterday. I haven't had time to respond yet but I plan on doing so tonight. I'm going to see if I can coax her into another date. I still sense interest. I'm going to see what I can do with it.
If I was her, I would expect a text back within a few hours. Most people have their phone attached 24/7 and are not that busy.
Anyway,
No coaxing her into a date. Make a plan where you will be fine going alone or with her, then:
You:"I am going to see this up and coming band at this cool location on Friday night. Would you like to join me?"
Last edited by Ready2Change; 02/28/1911:34 PM.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C, I was planning on delaying my response for another day, but I decided to text her back last night. I sent her a picture of a to-go menu of her favorite restaurant (which is like a mile from my house) and asked her playfully of what she would recommend. She answered "depends on what I like". I told her that she'll need to come to the restaurant and help me decide (I think what I said can be considered coaxing, but I feel if I outright asked her for a date it would feel like I'm pursuing more). She responded with a "Ha" to which I said that she will be treating me the next round we meet. She told me that she hasn't forgotten.
I tried to turn it up just a little by telling her that I have been getting invested in her favorite TV show and that I needed someone to talk to about it because I have no one else to really talk about it with. I told her about my available days next week. She told me the show will get better and to just keep watching. I made one more joke and that was about it. No response yet for her meeting me.
I did not want to back her into a corner and force her to go on a date with me. I just want to keep giving her hints that I am still interested. I hope that it works.
GAL social events next week. More chances to meet. I have Day 5 of the RotG challenge complete. I will provide details soon.
Why would you delay responding to her for another day? That's just rude behavior, IMO. This lady is not your WW, She's a lady you want to date.
I'm still trying to balance and define "going slow" and not pursuing but still showing interest.
She got back to me after five days of silence. I'm sure she was busy. I feel like if I responded quickly afterwards, then she would take it as a sign of neediness and desperation. I know that once I start dating others that the balance will work out, but for now, she is the only one who I am communicating with at this time.
sent her a picture of a to-go menu of her favorite restaurant (which is like a mile from my house) and asked her playfully of what she would recommend. She answered "depends on what I like". I told her that she'll need to come to the restaurant and help me decide .
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Cute! Considering what she said about not being ready for any romantic relationship, I think your approach was good. Maybe even better than good,
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(I think what I said can be considered coaxing, but I feel if I outright asked her for a date it would feel like I'm pursuing more)
Okay, but don't get too hung up about pursuing. This is not the same situation as you were in with your WW. Inviting her out is not pursuing, unless you won't take "NO" for an answer. What you said to her was great. It sounded playful, which is rather difficult over text messaging. May I ask why you text instead of talking with her over the phone?
If you have another opportunity, and since you took the coaxing route this time... I suggest you don't beat around the bush and just ask her if she'd like to join you for dinner. If she gives some excuse, or should she call at the last minute (like she did previously) then you need to move on. Don't get angry or anything, just move on. The world is full of women.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Why would you delay responding to her for another day? That's just rude behavior, IMO. This lady is not your WW, She's a lady you want to date.
I'm still trying to balance and define "going slow" and not pursuing but still showing interest.
Oh, I gottcha. The way I see it is like this. She initiated a text message. So the polite thing to do would be to acknowledge it some way......if you are interested in seeing her again. There seem to be a few days previously where the two of you were doing quite a bit of texting. It can be tricky in the beginning as knowing how much or how little. IMHO, texting back & forth for hours is a bit much before you've had the second date. If I am getting acquainted with someone, I prefer the old fashion way and just talk over the phone, but that's me. Texting is so flat and it can easily be taken in the way it was not intended. .Whatever form is used, you have to decide how much is too much.....and I think timing will start to take hold when as you get more experienced.
When I think of "going slow", I think it not only means in the pace,,,,,,,like, how many times a week he contacts her, etc. But also how fast he gets serious. By "serious", I mean like thinking of exclusive dating, moving in together, getting M, etc. Is he getting all heavy right off the bat, or is he keeping things light & fun? How fast or slow does he try to get to physical affection? Having a little kiss at the end of the first date (if he senses she is attracted to him) is fine. However, pushing for sex on the first date, is too fast. See what I mean? I think you and your W went extremely fast when you met face to face. Don't set all your dates by that pace or measuring stick .....b/c it could make you come across as too pushy and/or having too much sexual expectations from your date. .
It is very difficult for me to explain in a few words what going slow means, but if you will ask questions, then maybe it would help me keep from writing a lot of unnecessary stuff.
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She got back to me after five days of silence. I'm sure she was busy. I feel like if I responded quickly afterwards, then she would take it as a sign of neediness and desperation.
Too busy for one call/text? Come on! I think she was waiting to see if you would contact her first. Since she made it clear she was not ready for a romantic relationship, you did the right thing by waiting on her. Showing desperation would be like if you were not waiting for her to text you, and you were pressing her every day. If at all possible, I think it is simply good manners to respond sometime within the same day. I realize this is pretty opposite of what you were told about texting your WW, but it's not the same sitch.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
- Remove Excess Hair (Shave every other day, trim beard weekly, remove excess hair from ears every two weeks) - Join a Gym (28 straight weeks of weight lifting. Home HIIT to start next week) - Make sure your clothes fit (Many clothing items from my old lifestyle have been purged) - Change your hairstyle (I get my hair cropped very short about every month)
Mission 2: Completed. - I have invested time and money at men's clothing stores refurbishing my wardrobe. I have four pairs of nice jeans, three pairs of dress shoes, two blazers, one car coat, three belts, and very nice socks. I'm planning my summer wardrobe now. I have received MANY compliments on my new dress style. It is very attractive and it leaves an imprint on the memories of the women I meet.
Mission 3: Completed. - Posture and Wall-stance exercise completed.
Mission 4: In Progress - I do not have any plans that will require me to dress up. This will likely happen next week.
Sandi, I am slowly getting clearer about how to take things slow. You describing going slow especially in light of how I courted my WW is always at the forefront of my thinking. I still do not know what this woman I am trying to date is thinking, but I know that I need to give her the space she needs to think. I have no idea how it is going to turn out and I am not going to try to force her to like me. That being said, I still feel that she is attracted to me and that she is just approaching me very slowly. I am ok with her taking time to text me back. It just means that I will be ok if she stops contacting me. When/if she does get back is just a bonus.
I will call on Sunday to ask if she can meet me on one of the days I suggested next week. I keep thinking that I can use iMessage's voice text function, but I don't think that really counts (You can record your message and send it over the messaging application. The recipient would hit the "Play" button and they can hear what I recorded.)
I am getting antsy for next Friday's social event. I want to continue this process with other women. I am trying to force myself to not put all of my eggs in one basket. Yes, I am very attracted to her and I feel the same from her. But I know that I cannot gamble on possibilities. It's been hard, but I am talking myself down to reality constantly.
Also, the chatting has cooled considerably since our date. I don't think it's a lack of interest. I think we're just giving each other space to handle our life crap.
I want to continue this process with other women. I am trying to force myself to not put all of my eggs in one basket.
Get comfortable interacting with 3 different single ladies that are showing interest. Be completely engaged with each of the woman when you interact. Focus on remembering details. Make it all about her. (but not in a needy way)
Monday - Date with Cindy Wed - Date with Ann Friday Date with Jill
During your dating phase, woman will come and go. Three is a good manageable number to be interacting with at one time. Sometimes the number will go to zero. Other times there will be more.
Do not limit yourself. Make it about meeting new people and learning things about them. Date people that are "not your type".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Considering what she said about not being ready for any romantic relationship, I think your approach was good. Maybe even better than good,