I called and left a message asking her out for the days I am available this week.
It's too late now, but for the future, I would strongly suggest that you NOT ask someone out by leaving a message. If you are doing the telephone route, which I also strongly suggest that you do, get her on the phone and ask her live - don't leave a message asking her out. There are multiple reasons for this and most don't help your cause. Plus, if she is a little on the fence about it, it's much easier to ignore you or not respond rather than it is to say no to you "face to face" or at least voice to voice. Again, it's too late now, can't turn back time, but next time just say "Hey I'd love to chat with you, give me a call back when you get this."
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
This is the attitude: "I am doing this and I think you would have a fun time with me if you came along." Man "Woman, I have two tickets to the amazing concert Friday night. Would you like to join me?"
I also strongly suggest not telling her all the times you are free.
If she is busy, it is her turn to offer a date she is free.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C, the video was good. It's an attitude that I am going to start employing as I continue my dating journey. If I fall into the pit, try again and get past it. I didn't fail. I just need to keep trying.
Don/R2C, I see where it would be bolder for me to leave a message asking her to call me back. More alpha things.
I don't think it's going to go any further with this woman. I feel like I am making a ton of effort and she is just not that interested anymore. It is what it is. I'm a little bummed out because of how things started, but this is the reality now. No use analyzing it.
I also need to start proofreading my posts before I actually post them here. My last one had some parts that did not make any sense.
I think it's rude to make you wait for an answer. Maybe she's paying you back for making her wait when you waited a couple of days to respond to her text. If you don't hear back in an appropriate time period. you need to find you something else to do to that night you wanted to take her out. Should she call you at the last minute again with some excuse, or if she wants to reschedule the date, I think my suspicious nature would rapidly rise. I'm pretty sure I would have another engagement during the time she suggests. She doesn't need to think you are home waiting to hear from you. Neither is it acceptable for her to contact you while you are on your way there when she calls and tries to sort of get out of the date. I mean......what's that all about? She needs to get in or out, but stop playing around. You aren't going to waste valuable time on a female that wants to play.these types of games.
I hope you will google what R2C sent and watch the video. He made some clear remarks that made me think of you.
Have a good night's sleep and wake up to a good day. You will decide if it is positive or not. I want to ask you one more thing before closing tonight. Who are you doing all these changes for? If they are for you, then why do have expectation from others. Is it your reward for the hard work you've put into reinventing your self and you want it recognized--------in particular someone of the feminine species who will be impressed or charmed by you enough to desire you company. If something happens that she must council the date......don't start giving yourself the third degree and think you don't measure up. Don't fall into despair every time a similar situation happens. Most guys go through this. But I don't think they beat up on themselves and replay every word or move made. Sometimes a man tries too hard to make him into something close to perfection. He is so guarded of his words and actions. If the woman is not receptive toward his slight advances, one he is along he goes back over every part of the date, wondering why more did not come from it. He decides he must work hard to be a man only a fool would leave. If this is your goal, then make darn sure you know what women want in a man.
I don't know that I can agree with the idea of becoming a man only a fool would leave. It seem to me that all you hard work would be for some woman. Why not become the man you want to be? You are free to be a man you want to be. You don't have to impress some woman. As long as you Improve your male attributes firsts, than maybe you'll have time to consider anything else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't think it's going to go any further with this woman. I feel like I am making a ton of effort and she is just not that interested anymore. It is what it is. I'm a little bummed out because of how things started, but this is the reality now. No use analyzing it.
P, don't get discouraged. Sometimes the chemistry is just not there for one or the other or both, and when it's not then there's no use pushing it. Try not to take it personally! The more women you go out with the greater the odds of finding someone you are attracted to that is also attracted to you. That's the goal is to find that combo, and until you do you keep trying. I went out on a lot of first dates, sometimes it felt like dating was the part-time job I had after my regular job, LOL! It took a lot of time and effort. At first you get upset over any perceived rejection, but eventually you look at it with a bit of clinical detachment.
You have a unique set of qualities that no one else has, and some women will find it highly attractive and others won't. You can't fault them for that, we all have our personal preferences. Tall or short, hairy or bald, fit or full, etc. etc. etc. When you find the right one it will have all seemed worth it.
I think it's rude to make you wait for an answer. Maybe she's paying you back for making her wait when you waited a couple of days to respond to her text. If you don't hear back in an appropriate time period. you need to find you something else to do to that night you wanted to take her out. Should she call you at the last minute again with some excuse, or if she wants to reschedule the date, I think my suspicious nature would rapidly rise. I'm pretty sure I would have another engagement during the time she suggests. She doesn't need to think you are home waiting to hear from you. Neither is it acceptable for her to contact you while you are on your way there when she calls and tries to sort of get out of the date. I mean......what's that all about? She needs to get in or out, but stop playing around. You aren't going to waste valuable time on a female that wants to play.these types of games.
Sandi, I am continuing to move on without her. I have GAL plans for all three nights I was available (more detail to come). As far as the waiting game goes, the first time we had a gap in communication was the day I was dealing with an emotional issue that rocked me to my core and set me back for a couple of days. I was in no condition to chat/flirt/etc. with her. From then on, I have made myself semi-available. I have stuff to do as well. I did my part and called her and asked her out. Either way it goes, I take the good memories and experiences and build on that.
For all intents and purposes, my chances with this woman are over.
And for the previous two failed date attempts, I went out and still had a good time without her. A no-call date is not going to ruin my night.
Originally Posted by sandi2
I hope you will google what R2C sent and watch the video. He made some clear remarks that made me think of you.
I saw the video and I'll watch it again to get more details. I got a "keep trying until you pass" mentality from it. I am going to keep trying.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Have a good night's sleep and wake up to a good day. You will decide if it is positive or not. I want to ask you one more thing before closing tonight. Who are you doing all these changes for? If they are for you, then why do have expectation from others. Is it your reward for the hard work you've put into reinventing your self and you want it recognized--------in particular someone of the feminine species who will be impressed or charmed by you enough to desire you company. If something happens that she must council the date......don't start giving yourself the third degree and think you don't measure up. Don't fall into despair every time a similar situation happens. Most guys go through this. But I don't think they beat up on themselves and replay every word or move made. Sometimes a man tries too hard to make him into something close to perfection. He is so guarded of his words and actions. If the woman is not receptive toward his slight advances, one he is along he goes back over every part of the date, wondering why more did not come from it. He decides he must work hard to be a man only a fool would leave. If this is your goal, then make darn sure you know what women want in a man.
The changes I am making are for myself. I am trying not to make it sound like I am just seeking approval from women at the cost of what I believe and should be. I do, however, agree with you saying that I am seeking a reward from, as you said, a woman who loves my company. I need to take my focus away from that and continue to work to make myself the best ME I can be.
The process of not taking personally is a tough one, but I know that I cannot take rejection personally. For the woman who I was making an attempt at, I know I brought my A-game for there was a high level of attraction. Why it went away I truly do not know. I just know that for the time I was trying to court her, I did very well. And I am going to build on that.
Originally Posted by sandi2
I don't know that I can agree with the idea of becoming a man only a fool would leave. It seem to me that all you hard work would be for some woman. Why not become the man you want to be? You are free to be a man you want to be. You don't have to impress some woman. As long as you Improve your male attributes firsts, than maybe you'll have time to consider anything else.
I hope that the changes I am making towards being the man I want to be is not being seen as an attempt to manipulate and coerce women into liking me. I mean, yes, I do want to be more attractive to women, but the changes I am making are not for show. It's not like the changes will go away once I succeed in dating and so on. The changes are redefining who I am and who I am becoming. How that attracts or impresses women is something that I cannot control. The exercising, the GAL activities, the hobbies, the positive mental attitude, it's all for me. I am working on making the changes and expressing them as genuine as I can. If it is perceived that I am only doing for show, then I need to put in more of an effort to make them for me, and not for her. I want to express that the changes I am making are genuine.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
I don't think it's going to go any further with this woman. I feel like I am making a ton of effort and she is just not that interested anymore. It is what it is. I'm a little bummed out because of how things started, but this is the reality now. No use analyzing it.
P, don't get discouraged. Sometimes the chemistry is just not there for one or the other or both, and when it's not then there's no use pushing it. Try not to take it personally! The more women you go out with the greater the odds of finding someone you are attracted to that is also attracted to you. That's the goal is to find that combo, and until you do you keep trying. I went out on a lot of first dates, sometimes it felt like dating was the part-time job I had after my regular job, LOL! It took a lot of time and effort. At first you get upset over any perceived rejection, but eventually you look at it with a bit of clinical detachment.
You have a unique set of qualities that no one else has, and some women will find it highly attractive and others won't. You can't fault them for that, we all have our personal preferences. Tall or short, hairy or bald, fit or full, etc. etc. etc. When you find the right one it will have all seemed worth it.
Thank you for the words of wisdom and confidence, AS. It is a process and the more chances I make for myself, the more I get out there, the more experience I will get, the more likely I will find her. All of the negative feelings of rejection and so forth will go away as I continue. I know it will. I say that because I am not dwelling and beating myself up for my latest attempt. I brought my best to her and if she is no longer interested, there will be many others who are.
I don't know if it was the rejection that is causing this, or if it's the way things should be when it comes to dealing with a STBX that is still involved with OM2, but I am reeling in pain right now. The flashbacks, the situation as is, maybe my loneliness are all contributing towards feels of sadness. I am not feeling hopeless as I know I can, will, and need to come out of this. But I'd be lying if I said that I was not feeling any PTSD.
I'm still trying to wrap my mind as to how and why WW decided to take it this far. I'm still trying to comprehend whether the R she has with OM2 is an affair gone into R status or whether it is not an affair because we were on a trial separation for three weeks before she met OM2. Virtually no one outside of this board sees this as an affair. STBX is fully entrenched with OM2 friends and family. She is a part of their lives. I have no idea if they have embraced her as one of their own but from the sounds of things they have. She is a part of OM2's friends and their kids lives. This whole thing doesn't seem like an affair. This is a love story where everything is going right for her.
Pain, let go of some things. Like the WW, STBXW, OM2 monikers.... Just let it go. You are still so pissed about it. Empower yourself, be free, and stop worrying about what you cannot change.
And I'll add this, a person may have post traumatic stress, but that doesn't mean that person has PTSD. Have you been diagnosed? Maybe you are dealing with it just fine?
Who are you hoping will see this as an affair that doesn't currently? Most of your W's friends and family are full of it and are either too scared to tell her the truth or too stupid to see the truth right in front of them. I know you know this, but you're focusing on the wrong things. Anyways, hopefully you'll tell me about the things that are going right in your world and how you're spending your time productively.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It is a process and the more chances I make for myself, the more I get out there, the more experience I will get, the more likely I will find her. All of the negative feelings of rejection and so forth will go away as I continue. I know it will. I say that because I am not dwelling and beating myself up for my latest attempt. I brought my best to her and if she is no longer interested, there will be many others who are.
Yes exactly. And if you're not ready now, then pull back and take a break. There's no rush, you've got whatever time you want and need.
Originally Posted by Phoenix9
I don't know if it was the rejection that is causing this, or if it's the way things should be when it comes to dealing with a STBX that is still involved with OM2, but I am reeling in pain right now.
Well it happens, just when you think the cycling is over, boom there it is again. Just let it happen and focus on your GAL activities to keep you busy.
Quote
I'm still trying to wrap my mind as to how and why WW decided to take it this far.
You'll never know, and you need to accept that you'll never know. It's been many years for me and I still don't know why it happened and accept that I never will. Sometimes there are good, solid reasons for a WAS to walk out of a relationship but often there are not. What was fine to her before has suddenly become unbearable. There's no explaining it.
Quote
I'm still trying to comprehend whether the R she has with OM2 is an affair gone into R status or whether it is not an affair because we were on a trial separation for three weeks before she met OM2. Virtually no one outside of this board sees this as an affair. STBX is fully entrenched with OM2 friends and family. She is a part of their lives. I have no idea if they have embraced her as one of their own but from the sounds of things they have. She is a part of OM2's friends and their kids lives. This whole thing doesn't seem like an affair. This is a love story where everything is going right for her.
How much do you love your W? Do you love her enough to want her to be happy NO MATTER WHAT? Enough to let her go and to be glad for her that she has found something that she feels is better, and makes her happy? Because if you hate that she's happy, well then you don't really love her do you. You just WANT her, and you don't want anyone else to have her, and that is selfish. If she is happy then be glad for her, drop the rope and move on.
