Here is a good question for the spouse that is wanting to leave I thought of this morning. Are they running towards something or someone or are they running away from something or someone? The sooner you can assess this accurately the sooner you know how final the inevitable outcome will be.
At this point, and I could be wrong, but I think my H reasons for wanting to run away (he hasn’t gone anywhere yet) is to run away from something.
I think he has also romanticized what his life will be like when he’s single. I think he’s imagining what it will be like when he meets “the woman for him”! He’s not currently involved in an affair (to my knowledge and no signs point to that). I think he looks forward to life after our M ends. I think he believes he will feel better once it’s over.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Here is a good question for the spouse that is wanting to leave I thought of this morning. Are they running towards something or someone or are they running away from something or someone? The sooner you can assess this accurately the sooner you know how final the inevitable outcome will be.
At this point, and I could be wrong, but I think my H reasons for wanting to run away (he hasn’t gone anywhere yet) is to run away from something.
I think he has also romanticized what his life will be like when he’s single. I think he’s imagining what it will be like when he meets “the woman for him”! He’s not currently involved in an affair (to my knowledge and no signs point to that). I think he looks forward to life after our M ends. I think he believes he will feel better once it’s over.
I would say that my W is running away, as well.
And I would also agree that I think she has somewhat romanticized what the single life will be. She claims she will be a better parent without me (unlikely, but okay then). I also have no firm proof of an affair.
Here is a good question for the spouse that is wanting to leave I thought of this morning. Are they running towards something or someone or are they running away from something or someone? The sooner you can assess this accurately the sooner you know how final the inevitable outcome will be.
At this point, and I could be wrong, but I think my H reasons for wanting to run away (he hasn’t gone anywhere yet) is to run away from something.
I think he has also romanticized what his life will be like when he’s single. I think he’s imagining what it will be like when he meets “the woman for him”! He’s not currently involved in an affair (to my knowledge and no signs point to that). I think he looks forward to life after our M ends. I think he believes he will feel better once it’s over.
I would say that my W is running away, as well.
And I would also agree that I think she has somewhat romanticized what the single life will be. She claims she will be a better parent without me (unlikely, but okay then). I also have no firm proof of an affair.
And Bo562 who are we to tell them they are wrong. They already have themselves convinced so nothing we say matters.
I see 2 outcomes for my H if and when we divorce. I don’t think I’m being irrational or in denial by saying this. I’m basing these outcomes off a lot of the info I’ve read (and continue to read) about MLC. I’m also basing this info off the man that I married (the man he was before he was abducted by the MLC aliens).
Outcome 1: my H never does the real work on himself, we divorce, and he jumps from one relationship to the next. He will think that a new relationship will solve his problems. He will think the grass is greener on the other side. He will meet women and totally ignore warning signs they aren’t good for him. Because he hasn’t don’t the work on himself, he will still react with emotions instead of logic. He will be blinded by lust and the newness of a new relationship. He will get bored as soon as that lust wears off and move on to the next. He will never realize that the problem is him and that he needs to work to resolve his issues. He will never feel “happy” and “fulfilled” in these new relationships. Then one day he will realize what he let go (me the one who loved him unconditionally) He will then try to come back to me in full force pursuit. He will be relentless and not at all concerned about how this makes him look. He will think that we can just pick right back up where we left off. He will call, text, send gifts, and show up to my home. And I will have moved on. This will send him back into a deep depression.
Outcome 2: my H will jump from one relationship to the next. He will continue to work with his therapist regarding his issues. Over time he will become a better person and grow from this experience. He will regret the pain that he put me through and the choices that he made. He may even come to share that with me. However, he will be perfectly content with his life and revolving door of relationships.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
I am sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. Unfortunately, if your husband is in MLC you have a long, long road ahead of you.
I think after he acted the weekend you left and Valentines Day you started to build expectations that he was coming out of it.
Some people stand for their marriage for years waiting for the WS to turn around. Some can't bare the pain anymore and move on.
Take the time he is away and dig down deep and decide what best for Living.
Take care.
Thanks LH19, I truly appreciate it.
After my weekend away, V-day, and his behavior I didn’t set up expectations that he was coming out of it. In some strange way, it kind of proved to me he’s still going through MLC. I’m learning the hard way that it will take him time to come out of this.
In some ways I believe he feels bad for the destruction he’s causing but he is “choosing” destruction and the roller coaster ride rather than trying to work through this crisis in a healthy way.
I’ve been reading a lot of posts by Hearts Blessings on her site about MLC. It all makes so much sense with what’s going on in my sitch. I’m doing a lot of ready and that’s helping me have some form of empathy for him.
I admire those that choose to stand for their M. I would never judge them for making that choice. However, I’m not sure I can do it. So for now, I’m going to focus on really dropping the rope. I’ve said it many times but it’s the only choice I feel I have.
While he’s away, I’ll take time to just enjoy the peace of him being away. I’m going to spend a lot of time home completing some small projects I need to complete. Because when he gets back, I’ll have to go back to putting as much space as I can between the two of us. So while he’s away, I’ll enjoy our entire house in peace!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
In some ways I believe he feels bad for the destruction he’s causing but he is “choosing” destruction and the roller coaster ride rather than trying to work through this crisis in a healthy way.
My ex definitely felt bad. Gave me a lot of concessions in the D. Actually said that she understood what this was doing to the kids and our family's but for once she was going to selfish and do what she wanted to do to make her happy.
Funny how a lot of people comment to me that she doesn't look happy. Maybe they are just blowing smoke up by a$$ but I can see it in her face when I see her, I don't think all her problems have been solved.
In some ways I believe he feels bad for the destruction he’s causing but he is “choosing” destruction and the roller coaster ride rather than trying to work through this crisis in a healthy way.
My ex definitely felt bad. Gave me a lot of concessions in the D. Actually said that she understood what this was doing to the kids and our family's but for once she was going to selfish and do what she wanted to do to make her happy.
Funny how a lot of people comment to me that she doesn't look happy. Maybe they are just blowing smoke up by a$$ but I can see it in her face when I see her, I don't think all her problems have been solved.
I think my H will be a lot like your ex, I’m sure he will be very accommodating in the D. I’m also sure you’re ex isn’t happy. When people have that true inner peace called happiness, it shows. They have an a glow and presence about them. If you don’t pick that up when you see her, she isn’t happy. In fact she’s probably miserable because she risked so much and still isn’t happy.
Unfortunately, I think that’s going to be the future for my H. I don’t wish bad on him by any means but I see a very lonely future in store for him. He’s going to figure out all the things, all the places, all the women, and all the sex don’t equal true happiness.
I’m sure he feels bad, I see him walking around mopping daily. He’s mopping because I’m putting as much distance between us that I can. A few weeks ago he started kissing my check in the mornjng before he goes to work again. This is something he used to always do. I’m always still in bed when he leaves. He leans over, kisses my cheek, and tells me to have a great day. He’s still doing this. My response is always the same, “you have a good day as well.”
Truth be told I’ve been mean to him. I’ve let him know how truly angry with him I am. His response is, “you have no clue how angry I am with myself.”
So I have to get better with the “lovingly” detachment. I need to take the vets advice and stop being mean to him and just act as if I’m happy with life. I need to show him a happy, whole person, in spite of what we are going through. I did a very good job of that yesterday even though he was getting on my nerves. Lol!
Last edited by Living; 02/19/1906:09 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
LH19, sorry just now seeing this. I haven’t logged on in over a week, wow!
I’m doing pretty good! I’ve been GAL and just spending time getting centered. H is away on his boys gone wild trip and I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. There are times when I find myself wondering what the he11 he’s doing but I don’t stay in that space long. From his text messages and calls, he seems to be enjoying himself.
Other than that, I’m just trying to be kind to myself. Hope all is well with you!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
