I hope it goes well for you Dillydaf. I will be checking in for an update and wish you a successful talk and all happiness on the night itself.
How is your distraction going? Did you manage to get more done today?
I had a terrible month or so at work - though my boss was totally understanding. Things wind down for me in a couple of weeks and I've arranged some nice things for myself during the quieter times (my work is sort of seasonal and flexible up to a point - though pretty grim at the moment). H is being reasonable over childcare for the youngest and the eldest doesn't really need care as such, as a teenager - though I am cancelling being away over night a couple of times this month just to make sure I am at hand as much as possible. My concentration is slowly coming back and I'm not weeping in the toilets all the time any more.
Not weeping in the toilets all the time is definite progress! I got quite a lot of work done yesterday, thanks, and got up early to start today because I have domestic stuff on which will take ages. I work from home which doesn't help, I have an office I can go to but there's often nobody there I know. Part of me would like to work externally for a bit and the other part of me wants to be around for the kids when they're not at school. Teens seem to need someone just hanging around so they have someone to ignore.
I did send dh a text, just to say I hoped the big work thing which has dragged over from yesterday works out ok today. Not expecting anything back. Going to work on my talk now and then get some work done before the domestic stuff. I have a resolution to do a short meditation or yoga if I get really distracted
I've found meditation really helpful too - I've been doing it for a while, but stepped it up a bit in recent weeks and it does bring me peace and comfort and help me to settle to sleep. I wasn't sleeping or eating at all at first but that has resolved now and I am determined to put on some weight and look after myself some more.
I lost 6kg in the first month (I love my food). I now have a six pack for the first time in my life. The only thing which kept me eating was the thought of not being able to exercise if I was too under-nourished! And the first month I did a daily yoga video, that was very helpful. I would love to get back to doing that, I will clear a space for it. I actually found meditation not that helpful the first month or so, but I think I was trying to use it to help me sleep and frankly, there was nothing which worked. But I do a relaxation section in my weekly yoga class and I have found that very helpful, it was the morning after that I woke up 2 months in and suddenly could see *myself* again. It was so comforting to know I was still in there! So yoga has been super helpful for me. I hope you look after yourself better x
It's top of my list. I read somewhere - can't remember where - that the greatest gift you can give your partner, and anyone else who cares about you - is taking responsibility for your physical and emotional health. I know I have overworked myself to the point of exhaustion and relied on H to remind me to rest and eat, etc - and the circumstances have required me to do a total 180 on that kind of self-care and I want to keep that going no matter what happens. I deserve food and rest and clean bedsheets and time outside. And so do you.
Yes, you're so right. Actually, I think I've mostly been good at looking after myself, it's one of my strengths. Though dh used to occasionally order me out of the door to go for a run the odd Sunday, motivating myself at weekends is always harder somehow.
Journalling. I'm tired, had a busy and quite tiring day doing domestic stuff clearing stuff out of bedrooms and cupboards. Stirred up quite a lot of stuff. Dh is a big shopper and hates me throwing away his stuff but won't throw it away himself. This has been a source of contention and probably always will be, but I manage it and I understand why he does it. Anyway, it was quite a hard day in a way. It's been 6 months this week since he left and that is really, really hard too. I thought we'd be back together by now. I can see how much less anxious, fearful and desperate I am now though, that's positive.
I sent him a text about logistics tomorrow, he gets stressed going new places so he has a map and timings and I told him to maybe eat first because there's no food available, and I said if he's really tired I arranged it so we can leave a bit early, I know he's had a busy week. He texted back 'see you tomorrow' and I texted 'I appreciate you coming', because expressing more appreciation is my effort to do words of affirmation. Plus it's true. I feel sad that I've barely spoken 2 words to him since Saturday and after the look of love I wonder why he's pulling back, but he definitely has been, even if it's only due to work busyness. But yeah, it makes me sad when we've had quite a lot of contact the last few weeks. But I won't chase, it won't help. Anyway, I'm off to a yoga class, hopefully that will settle me down. A good night's sleep would be good, it's a busy day and evening tomorrow and I really have to get more work accomplished.
I wish you a good night's sleep. I am about to go to bed with the audiobook myself. It's a crime thriller - you'd not think that was conducive to restful sleep - but it is gripping enough to distract my whirring mind for a while until I start dozing and I will take any healthy distraction I can get.
I totally identify with what you are saying about the domestic stuff and cupboards and wardrobes etc. When H left, he took one large suitcase and some files and papers that he needed for his work. He's picked up a few small things since then, but basically all his things are still here - clothes in the wardrobe, shoes in the hall, coat on the rack. Most of his toiletries were in the bathroom until about a week ago when I moved them into one of his bedside drawers, but that's the only thing I've moved. I feel weird about it. I mean - he doesn't want to live here - so I should be able to take ownership of my space and he should be responsible for collecting and storing his own belongings, right? But they aren't really doing me any harm (he's not a hoarder and the stuff isn't getting in my way - it just makes me sad) and I guess if I cleared it all out or boxed it away it would send a message that I am not sure I want to send right now. I am also - as you know from my thread - a bit scared still about making him angry. So I have just left everything where it is right now. Where he is staying is tiny and temporary (he is lodging) and I guess I don't want to prompt him into a more permanent situation if I don't have to.
Did you take away your H's things? He has his own place, right - somewhere fairly permanent? I know you're in a real limbo situation and it is hard to know what the right thing is to do for yourself and the R.
A thriller, how interesting that helps you sleep! I listen to podcasts.
I agree that them leaving their things behind is kind of mixed. On the one hand, they have a life at home and stuff. And dh will take his gym clothes to use when he comes here and then I'll wash them and put them away, just like he is here. On the other hand, it's a constant and often painful reminder that he's NOT here. Dh has a very large flat I believe (I've never seen it) but he didn't take that much stuff with him. Occasionally I ask if I can get rid of something of his (books he will never re-read for example) and he gets furious and then I point out he could take them to his flat and then he shuts right up. But I didn't get rid of anything of his yesterday, I've come to see that for him, stuff is bound up with his abandonment issues. So when I've had the decorating done I've moved his stuff around, collected it together and if necessary, put it somewhere out of the way. It helped having the decorating done actually, because it meant stuff had to be moved about.
Dh did ring yesterday, he rang when he got back from work so I phoned him back just before yoga. We had a little chat and he sounded tired and a bit distant but not unfriendly. Yoga was very nice and relaxing and the teacher gave me some tips for my sore wrist from typing.
Big day today! I will sleep calmly beside dh tonight and not get worked up. Might practice some breathing before bed.
It's hard, isn't it - when 'stuff' isn't just stuff but means so much more than that. I can see that sometimes relatively minor things (like the time I forgot to put out the bins and H ignored me for 12 solid days) weren't just about the thing itself - but also about his need for respect, consideration, being thought of, having the things that were important to him be important to me. It's a hard field to navigate especially when you're living with someone who doesn't really take the things that are important to you into account. Like you, I am glad to be out of that situation and plan never to go back to it.
Big day today for you. It's good you have a plan for restful sleep. I suppose the most important thing here is to keep your expectations low (I know you are missing sex). Perhaps if it's a good experience and goes well, then you're getting closer to the time when you can ask H to stay over once a week or so? I know that was something you wanted and were picking the right time to ask for.
Yes, you're so right. Dh bears real grudges over the few times I refused to do things or did them reluctantly, and doesn't appreciate the millions of things I did do for him (maybe that's less the case now). But the reason was that I felt he wasn't considering me. But sometimes you just have to meet someone else's needs for the sake of the marriage (but without being a doormat). You're right about the expectations. I'll see how it goes, maybe I need to share a bed with him calmly a few times before I ask.
Horrible morning this morning. I'm supposed to be working, and memorising my talk. But ds2 was poorly, so I phoned in sick for him and we watched some Netflix together, that was nice. But then my long-time neighbour and sort-of friend knocked on the door and asked me about a night when I got a taxi home from the station with her husband and another woman when the trains were all messed up. I've actually met her husband on the train home a few times coming back from dates with dh, and I thought it weird that he was working so late. But it turns out he probably wasn't, he's been seeing another woman. I felt so upset for my friend, she has a daughter with massive mental health problems and now this. And it stirred up all sorts of bad stuff about when dh first left. I shared that dh and I have been having problems but not the full extent, and we both cried and had a hug and a good heart to heart. We agreed that life really [censored]. And then I rang dh and cried a bit to him and he was nice about it even though he sounds manic at work and has to leave early to come and see me. And then I dried my eyes and watched a bit more TV with ds2. Phew, lots of big stuff today. I'm going to go and have a sauna I think and get my outfit together for tonight and go to the venue for the rehearsal. I might go for a quick run first, I feel the need to do something physical to calm down a bit.
