These are great points...The other day, my son was playing with his video game and I came on this forum. My son looked at my phone and started saying over and over “divorce busting? Divorce busting? Mommy what’s divorce busting” and laughing.... And I’m thinking great, he’s gonna repeat this to his dad or ex mil. I tried to tell him it said ghostbusting. But he didn’t fall for it.
A few lessons 1. I am gonna have to establish privacy boundaries with him for when I’m on my phone. 2. I need to be on my phone less.
I think that it's fabulous that you have such an open and honest relationship with D11. If you two hadn't been a dynamic duo team you wouldn't have the solid relationship now that you've got. A big part of that is respect. And yes - part of respect is boundaries as others have said.
Right now in some ways, this is an exciting game for you both. Given what I'm going through right now, I fully understand that. You're excited and happy and she's excited. As as a team, you want to share that excitement.
Now my situation is different in that first off, it's fresher and secondly, I don't know one way or another what S24 thinks about it. I respect him though - and his stated wishes - by not exposing him to messages between B and I, nor other than general scheduling, what we get up to. Generally they are bland about our days but they do get in to some fairly mushy parts when we sign off. Nothing that would shock her mother, but as you would say when you were young - "gag me with a spoon - fer shur"
So - last night while making my lunch and chatting with him, my phone went "bing". He could have looked and didn't. But to respect him, I picked it up, glanced at the message and then set it aside. Finished what we were talking about and then responded which he saw me do but wasn't part of.
Where I'm going in my usual rambling round-about way is that maybe it is time to have a chat with D11 about privacy. Tell her honestly that there may well be things on your phone that might "gross her out". Let her know that you want her to learn to be careful with communicating with people because even friends can sometimes pass on things that are private and so you'll need to protect her by being able to see some of her stuff.
I know that my own D26 when she was around D16 embarked on some very risky online activities and was horrified when her dear ole' Dad printed out transcripts and left them on the kitchen table after talking to her mother about them. She - eventually - learned her lesson.
It's not about having secrets. It's about respecting people's personal space.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I thought I was bringing up something positive! I guess not.
The child has boundaries. But like any child, she tests them and crosses them. But I guarantee you when she does, she gets a lesson in why what she did was wrong. She’s gotten the speech on privacy many times over. But when my kid wants to know something , she does her best to find out. And suffers the repercussions when she does .
She also knows as a parent I reserve every right to look through her messages when she throws privacy back in my face. I’ve got it handled, I promise she doesn’t just get away with this stuff.
But yes, we have an open and honest R when age appropriate. I make sure she feels included, especially in areas where she might be excited, or may even feel powerless over. But it is always in an age appropriate manner.
Today she crossed my boundaries with some pretty bad back talk and defiance. And she has been punished. Which included no phone unless she is at school. So I texted her father that if he needs to reach her, he will have to use my phone. And get ready for this: he asked why and I told him. Then he asked if he could help in anyway. I told him appreciated the offer, but there wasn’t much he could do from there. He said then apologized for the stress. We joked about the teen years and I made a joke about needing to buy a vineyard to get through them. He said he will bring me back some wine from Italy.
The saddest happiest thing about this exchange. Might have been the first time in our lives he validated my feeling and offered to help instead of berating me. It wasn’t probably the nicest most adult exchange we have had.
I am truly in need of a vacation away from from the child and dog. I admit it. But instead my ex is going away for 2 weeks, I work my last weekend without her for a while and won’t be getting me time for a while. When I really need it. I’ll survive though.
M and I are having another hot yoga, snuggle date tomorrow night. It’s just what a Wednesday night calls for
Last edited by job; 03/06/1906:20 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
I thought I was bringing up something positive! I guess not.
You're saying that people here take something innocent and innocuous that we post, blow it all out of proportion and go on lengthy rants about how we're horrible people??? Say it's not so!!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey girl - I know on some level you always worry about your mother's history of mental illness and whether your daughter might be affected when she's older. Just a reminder there is some pretty good research on using fish oil in teens at high risk of developing schizophrenia dramatically reducing the incidence of them developing the disease. My best friend, who has mental illness in her family, gives fish oil to her teenage son for just this reason. (Her aunt was in a mental institution and her sister is schizo-affective.) It's a simple and safe intervention.
(And I know your mom wasn't schizophrenic but so many forms of mental illness seem to be related to the same family of genes). (And I'm not suggesting your daughter's adolescent behavior is any kind of sign , I just know it's an issue of concern for you.)
Hahahah! But that never happens here!! I know it was all said with good intention. I am waiting for someone to say something about my marijuana usage too!!!
Luckily, thank god, my daughter shows no signs of either one of our mother’s mental disorders . I always watch closely, but she shows nothing except for that need to know everything, but that’s her personality trait.
M and I both got screwed with work today. He has been getting out 2 or 3, but today he got stuck in the city and is on his way home now. I was rockin’ it at work today and was getting out right on time, almost had my jacket on when a problem arose and it kept me there for another hour. Grrrr. So we both are missing hot yoga, and he won’t be here until after 8.... but he will be here. After Monday, I’ve got D11 for 2 weeks straight. No alone time for us. But maybe I’ll be able to sneak out for a quick date or he could spend some time with us.
Tomorrow I am lunching with a friend on my day off. A “two martini lunch” I had a lot of stuff to catch up on at home, but I need some mommy time
