Right now the main thing I can do to work on the R (rather than all the stuff I’m working on for myself) is my communication. Listening to what she’s really saying, listening and looking for how she’s feeling and emoting, and rather than thinking about how I can fix or what I’ll say next, I’m paying attention to what I’m feeling. This really helps me to validate, empathize, and allows her to feel supported.
Thanks R2C and LH!
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Definitely different behavior today. She totally let me slide on that mess up early this morning. When I came home from running errands, she asked if I had any plans for the rest of the day. I said I was headed to the gym, then to pick up the boys from school, but I'd be free after that. She asked if I wanted to run together. I said that sounds like a plan, I'm heading out. She surprised me at the gym and was very talkative and all smiles. We chatted for a while and then did our own thing. I needed to leave to pick up the boys and walked over to where she was lifting. She was all smiles, and said "hey you, how's the workout going?" I said great, I'll be nice and sore tomorrow. She giggled and kinda pinched me in the mid section for a minute. She then asked if I wanted to do something for dinner. I replied, let's get the kids settled and make a plan.
Aside from that (feeling more like a big step rather than a baby step), when I got home with the boys, I went to jump in the shower. I noticed she had a card I got her a couple of weeks ago just to say I was thinking about her and her family during their rough time that was propped up next to her basket with her hair ties etc. Usually cards that I get her for BD or V-day or whatever go in a box or drawer.
Maybe we have moved into another phase of her coming back to M? Maybe I'm reading too much into this...obviously it's just one day. Based on everything she said at MC, I would have never anticipated today's behavior/interaction. Should I do anything different? Should I start with the touch charges now suggested by Steve? I intend on staying on the path R2C! I definitely don't want to pursue and I want to continue self-differentiation. I also don't want to push things she isn't ready for...ILYs, holding her as we fall asleep, etc. Probably just wait for her to initiate those, correct?
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
YES! Do the touch charges!!! She is begging for them. What do you think pinching you in the midsection is? Let me ask you, when you dated her, did you start touching her by walking up and grabbing her butt? Or stroking her breast. Or placing her hand in her crotch?? No, it was small things. A hand on her knee while you watched TV. Maybe some hand holding at the movie or having your arm around her on the couch at a friend's. You worked up to more intimate touching over time. So do that again! Slow and steady.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
YES! Do the touch charges!!! She is begging for them. What do you think pinching you in the midsection is? Let me ask you, when you dated her, did you start touching her by walking up and grabbing her butt? Or stroking her breast. Or placing her hand in her crotch?? No, it was small things. A hand on her knee while you watched TV. Maybe some hand holding at the movie or having your arm around her on the couch at a friend's. You worked up to more intimate touching over time. So do that again! Slow and steady.
Example: Bring her a picture in a magazine. something she should look at. Walk up beside her. Light touch on the back of arm (or shoulder).
H:"What do you think of the color of this room?" (then stop the touch) W:"Bla bla" H"I am trying to decide if I want to paint the garage. Keep an eye out for colors you think would be good" Walk away
gage how she responded.
The props help initially. I typically touch my lady everytime I pass. I mix it up. Quick shoulder rubs. Quick kisses. Fist bumps. Whatever.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You never say things you love about me except my looks and how good a mother I am.
translated "Keep telling me things you love. I feel good when you do this. "
Notice and verbalize the things you appreciate (in addition to the mother and her looks)
When she looks hot: You say "You have a good sense of style. You look stunning in that outfit" (appreciate the effort she went though)
This part jumped out at me too. I am not your W but I can say that as a woman, I love to be appreciated for who I am outside my looks and my mothering skills (though those are nice things to hear too). One of my major LL are words of affirmation and for me, a compliment isn't just about praise, but about feeling known in a deep and intimate way - that something less obvious about me than how I look or the role I perform in the family has been seen and known and cherished.
I don't mean this as criticism at all - only as some feedback and hope it helps in your situation.
Alison, no criticism taken!!! You are completely right, I haven't given her that in 20 years, clearly. I definitely appreciate the insight from the female perspective. I will take all the help I can get!
R2C, I never thought of the effort it takes to look that good. I always say how good she looks (making it about her physical appearance) rather than her outfit or style or hairstyle, etc.
Steve, I hear you! I will start super slow, maybe once or twice a day. My fear is that I'll have some expectation of what should come "in return" like her touching me back or looking at me and smiling.
I really had a good day. Did lots of GAL, taking care of myself, and giving her space. When we had communication, I made the best of it and really engaged with her. I even asked her thoughts on a business decision (which I would have never done). She really gave great advice. So, I said, "I think you're right, thanks for talking that over with me. That's good advice...you always have a good intuition for these things." She replied, Well, thanks, that means a lot to me. Another fear that I have is that she will think these changes are too much...although these are the exact things she's been asking for over the last 20 years...to be heard, to be validated, to feel cherished, appreciated, and loved. I think she's in a little bit of shock, and it certainly waiting to see if the bottom falls out of this. She either feels like these are too big of changes or I can't make them permanent. This is just me being me and overthinking stuff...but glad I can do that here and not verbal diarrhea on her.
Me: 44 Her: 42 T: 22, M: 20 D:18, S:16, S:11 Sep: 6 months in 2002 Sep again: March 15, 2015 (5 months) WAW talk again: January 21, 2019
Steve, I hear you! I will start super slow, maybe once or twice a day. My fear is that I'll have some expectation of what should come "in return" like her touching me back or looking at me and smiling.
#1 rule: NO EXPECTATIONS. Do not start doing them if you can't do them without expectations.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think she's in a little bit of shock, and it certainly waiting to see if the bottom falls out of this. She either feels like these are too big of changes or I can't make them permanent. .
If this is what you really want and how you feel then make them permanent. This isn't a game, it really is retraining how we love our significant other. If we just go through the motions it won't last and why we got in this place.
Last edited by lost8; 03/06/1901:40 PM.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
