That sounds like a massive amount. It sounds like he's reconsidering his entire life, his past, his work and all his relationships. No wonder it it taking a while. And you of course - having plenty to consider too. It's all too easy to look back and beat yourself up but it sounds like you did what you thought was best at the time with the information and skills you had at the time, and now you are changing your approach for yourself and perhaps he is too, though not knowing exactly how to do it or in what direction he wants to end up going.
Yes, I have a lot to consider too, you're right. Having teenagers is not easy even though they are wonderful kids, there are still hormones and not much talking and they are growing up and will be leaving in a few years. Plus I have some big decisions to make career-wise in the autumn. I should be busy having my own midlife crisis instead of holding the family and myself together as a result of his! And you're also right that I need to forgive myself as well as dh for the mistakes we made in the past. Luckily I'm a very positive person and I believe in letting go of the past and learning from it in the future. Being an optimist has its downsides but also plenty of benefits
Ugh. I am having a tough afternoon. Had a couple of texts with dh this morning but then he's gone quiet. I have a lot of work to do and finding it difficult to focus. Focusing on work during this whole thing has been well nigh impossible. And I have a big deadline coming up soon, so I really need to focus, I've already pushed back the deadline by 2 weeks once and can't push it any further. Any suggestions on blocking everything out? Or just shoving everything aside to get stuff done? I don't feel upset, just kind of lonely/restless/uncertain I suppose. Gosh but I am sick of dh dominating my thoughts every second for the past 6 months It is so tiring.
I too am sick of my sitch dominating my thoughts, and i'm certainly guilty of really letting it affect my work and productivity over the last year. I've come to the conclusion that the frustration of realizing that you cannot control your spouse or your sitch can be turned to relief in focusing on what you can control. Your work is something you can control, give it your best and don't stop till you're proud. Do it for your kids and your future. ((Hugs))
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
thank you lusa a year is a long time for you to go through that
I did get 4 hours work done, not the highest quality and I have a mountain still to climb and feeling anxious about how I'm going to get it done, particularly with a lot of domestic stuff on the menu this week, but you're right that I can control that and be proud of myself. I will try focus music for my next lot of difficult work. Maybe I'll look up some anti-rumination tactics too.
OK so I sent a couple too many texts to dh yesterday, I don't necessarily do it to make contact but because I have a poor memory so stuff I want to share with him falls out of my head. Maybe I need to email myself a list and swot up on it before I talk to him if I have stuff I want to talk about. Did you know that John Gottman has a little notebook and takes notes when his wife talks to him? I should do that, lol. I too live in my own head and have attention issues. Anyway, so dh finally texted me back last night and said he'd been busy finishing his work (he has a big thing this morning which he is stressed about). I texted him this morning and wished him luck and asked him to ring me later. Not sure I should have done that, but I wanted to make it clear I was interested (something he keeps saying is that I'm not interested in his work life). Now I will back off and get on with things, I know he was super busy yesterday and also Sunday nights he has always been horrendous due to back-to-work stress, I should be glad I'm not living with that misery right now
Whenever I feel insecure I should focus on the happy-to-see-me face he made on Saturday. I'm also looking forward to this talk I'm giving on Wednesday, I'm a bit of a show-off so it will be fun for him to see me in a different light. I'm kind of amazed he said yes, I've done a few of these and he's refused to come along in the past.
It's hard, isn't it? I have also sent many texts to H about practical matters or things that I wanted to discuss - not because the matter itself was that important, or time pressing, but just because I wanted some contact and reassurance from him and to remind him that I was still there in case he'd forgotten about me. I find myself wanting to do that less now, as I am relying more on myself and my friends. That feels positive to me. It also probably felt to him like death by a thousand paper-cuts - being bombarded with 'tasks' or 'tests' that he was bound to fail at and inspire some anger or upset in me. I can see why he has been so avoidant. Whether I want a R with a man who is, generally, very cold and remote is another matter, but I am working on sending these encouraging texts once a day or so as he asked for them and will see what happens there.
I hope things go well for you at your talk on Wednesday. I think it will probably do him some good to see you at work and being confident and successful - especially as you being interested in his work is so important to him. Reminds him you're a whole person, not just a support system for his career, and that other people value your achievements. And he wants to come - that sounds like a really good sign of progress.
Ha, it's not likely they'll forget about us is it?! I was probably guilty of contacting him too little in the past, so a happy medium would be good for both of us I think. Hmm, interesting perspective about tests to fail for the texts, I might think about that a bit. And yes, I think it is progress for him to want to come, he's expressing far more interest in my life nowadays, and vice versa. That has to be a good thing. I've never tried to shut him out of my life before but perhaps I could have been more encouraging. I also need to make a fuss of him when he's there and sit with him when I'm not talking, because I'm a bit of a chatterbox and social butterfly I've left him to his own devices when he's come to anything social with my friends, but knowing how anxious he is that probably wasn't great for him. He does a lot of socialising with work but then he has his work persona on, so I need to be sensitive to him struggling in a new situation where he isn't the big cheese. Thanks Alison, will let you know how it goes
You sound like you're being really considerate of his needs. I hope you also make sure you enjoy yourself whatever he does or doesn't do or feel on the night. It sounds like it is your special night and that you deserve one.
Yep, I will enjoy myself anyway, but I'll try and look after him too. In fact, I might try to get my talk moved to a bit earlier so then he isn't too tired and we can leave a bit early, I will have to drive him to the station very early the next morning so it'll be in my interest too! I did send him a text earlier about something to do with the kids, and he rang me quickly and was quite friendly but busy. God I wish I didn't have to be married to someone so ridiculously busy. Sigh. Will not contact him tomorrow unless logistics change for Wednesday.
It is so tiring.