So last night, both as good as you could hope for but also disappointing. From my perspective, I couldn't have done anything more. I looked gorgeous (several people told me so), my talk went down really well, excellent feedback. I had lots of positive male attention, if that doesn't get dh's attention nothing will...I introduced dh to my friends and made sure I looked after him as much as I could, talked him up to my friends and touched his arm a few times. I left a bit early so dh could go to bed because he was beyond exhausted and drove him home. It was apparent that he really wanted to sleep alone so I didn't make a fuss, I figured I wouldn't sleep well with all the adrenaline of the event anyway (and I didn't). He came downstairs while I was brushing my teeth and gave me a hug goodnight and said how well I'd done. This morning he asked me to make him a coffee and asked politely for a lift to the station. We had a chat in the car. He seems utterly burnt out, hasn't been sleeping and has been working crazily hard without a break since Christmas (and then he didn't have that much time off).
I feel better now but also sad. I've done everything I can but I can't take this stuff personally. His job is killing him and it needs him to wake up and see that (which he might never do). At some stage I'll get sick of waiting and move on, because I can't live without quality time and physical touch, but I will give it a few more months to see if he gets his act together. If he can't, and all the work I've put into building our connection hasn't worked, then at least I'll know I've done my utmost.
I don't think you can take it personally, Dilly. I mean - yes, the marriage wasn't perfect and you probably had your part to play in that, and you've looked at that part and done your bit in leaving the door open and building some connection while working on your own stuff. But it also sounds like he is depressed, a workaholic and was emotionally abusive to you - and that even very recently (like the incident where he shouted at you and blamed you for stubbing his toe) those behaviours continue.
Is he getting help with his depression or changing - or planning to change - his working pattern? Does he admit there is a seasonal element to this and is looking into treatments for SAD? It sounds like you are doing all the work. Has he ever actually said that what you're doing right now is working towards living together again, or him working towards full health and capacity to work on the relationship?
I know there's a lot of merit in not having R conversations and taking things very slowly. And in giving each other a ton of space and letting healing and change happen at its own pace. And it doesn't look like he is cake-eating - he has his own flat and his space and he does phone you and initiate contact with you. But it looks like you're looking for more, and want to work towards more, and he isn't - right now - on the same page as you because he is too ill.
When you say 'at some stage' do you have a timeline in mind? I know I've asked you that before. I guess if you did have a time-line, you could work through that with your IC. it isn't like you'd have to give him an ultimatum.
I don't think he's a workaholic, but he seems to be working much longer hours and also doing work social stuff a lot more than before he left, I think to fill up the hole in his life. Or perhaps he just can't cope with the workload as he's getting older and more burnt-out so has to work harder. I did mention to him recently that he never used to work at the weekend and now it seems to be a common occurrence, and he didn't agree with me. But I've rarely seen him work at the weekend before for many years, so it's true. I think he might be depressed and lost about the future, yes. But he is a lot less emotionally abusive than he's ever been in the past. In the past he never would have apologised for the toe stubbing incident. Maybe part of the separation for him is protecting me and the kids from his black moods and anger, I don't know. He has been a lot less angry at me for many months now, and if he is critical it seems out of habit, it's much milder than it used to be, and a few times he's corrected me and said it wasn't me he was criticising but a particular thing or situation. So he is definitely working hard on behaving well towards me and the kids. Maybe he doesn't want to reconcile until he thinks he's cured himself? I don't know.
I think you're right, I'm not sure he's capable of any more right now. I told him when he first left that he'd chosen his job over me and over his family, and this kind of proves it. But he seems stuck in where he is right now, and I don't know what will force him to decide to change his unsustainably stressful lifestyle. He is enormously strong and enormously disciplined, but he's not superhuman and I feel he's at breaking point or will be until he changes something. It's not a conversation I feel I can have yet, he's in too bad a place and it will be seen as controlling or interfering. He doesn't see himself as suffering from SAD, though he did say this morning how much he's looking forward to seeing daylight soon when the clocks change.
At some stage: I'm thinking May/June time. That's usually when he snaps out of his SAD funk and hopefully he'll have a chance to have some time off. He will spend about 5 days in 2 chunks with us at Easter, that's probably not enough to lift his cloud but maybe enough to let some light in. I think he needs some proper time off to get into a state where he can even think straight. His life is miserable, and it doesn't seem to have got less miserable since he left. He needs to see he has the power to make it less miserable and that no amount of money is worth killing himself and his marriage for. I don't have a fixed deadline though, maybe he does. I think that leaving us all for good would destroy him, he is in self-destructive mode right now, but I hope that self preservation will kick in eventually before I've moved on.
Incidentally he's sent me 2 texts already this morning, one saying thanks for the lift and wishing me nice weather for a trip I'm taking, and the next congratulating me on last night. Neither asked a question so I will let him stew a bit with the picture of me on stage in my beautiful dress in his mind
Those texts are positive. And I am glad your talk went well.
I am learning a lot from you. You seem to have such a lot of understanding and compassion for your H, despite the fact that he is not able to give you what you want or need to be happy in a marriage right now. I wish I was in the same place as you.
What are the plans for Easter? My H will be in the full thick of his project then - so I am making plans for myself and the kids and presuming he won't be around to do much childcare.
Hmm, yes, I feel like I'm past the anger, at least for now. Interesting. I feel sorry for him, he didn't choose to be here, I'm sure he's in real pain. And underneath all this pain I believe he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I could be wrong. I believe he's also a good person despite this horrifically hurtful behaviour. Like in our marriage, I need to take some of it personally and some of it not personally. Seeing where each applies is difficult, I should have taken more stuff before personally I think. And maybe less stuff personally now.
Easter: I'm taking the kids to France for a week with one of their friends. Dh is flying over to meet us for a long weekend. At the end of Easter I'm not so sure but he said he would spend time with us over the Easter weekend. He won't have the excuse of work...
I guess you've been in this longer than me. I need more time to get past anger - which I am entitled to feel but not to act out on my H - and let that clear before I can make good decisions. You sound like you're in a really steady place. Thanks for checking into my thread and offering such direct feedback - you're a wise lady. What are your plans for tomorrow and the weekend?
Thank you to you too, it's nice to actually think about someone else's situation in depth because it reveals a lot about your own situation and different perspectives Yes, you ARE entitled to be angry! But it's an unhealthy place to loiter in too long, unhealthy for you as much as for him or the marriage. Being angry makes you feel like a victim in a way too because it gives them all your power. But it takes time to process, I was definitely furious for many months!
Tomorrow I'm going to our little holiday house and then coming back Saturday morning and going running with some friends in the morning, dh is coming home and taking the kids to their activities and I'll hopefully get back in time to spend some time with him. But I'm obviously out GAL so hopefully he will miss me And I seriously need to get some work done! Sunday I'm going for a long run with a friend. How about you?
I took ds1 to lunch today, I made him talk to me because my face was numb from a dental filling (he is not chatty). Dh sent me a couple of friendly texts when I was waiting for the dentist, he did some research for me into car insurance if Brexit happens. Then ds1 asked me to buy him some clothes so we went shopping and I sent a few jokey texts and photos to dh about this, that was really nice actually. I read/heard somewhere that it's impossible to be both fearful and playful at the same time. I feel like my playful side is coming back out again, without being forced as perhaps it might have been for a while now. Then I had my IC, which was really useful. I'm finding out an awful lot about myself and the way I duck out of being vulnerable, and how I can better open up and ask for my needs to be met. My IC pointed out that dh had actually answered my need when I rang him up upset about the neighbour yesterday. So he pointed out that dh is actually meeting some needs, even if I don't think they're the ones I really need. Hmm. I told him about a dream I had which could apply to both dh and to me on different levels, I think I'll tell dh about this dream next time I see him. It was a useful session
Quick journal: dh texted me this morning and we had a few light hearted back and forth texts going about the kids and ourselves. I feel in a good place this morning, I feel like dh and I are finally at a more stable and friendly place with each other. I feel optimistic that we will work things out somehow, but I'm going to avoid any R talk like the plague unless he brings it up. I'll GAL and keep up the communication with him and be empathetic and open and not act like a know-it-all. He just texted me about a running injury he has and I had to be careful not to tell him how to fix it (I work very hard not to get running injuries!). I can share my experience but telling him what to do will just backfire, so I won't. Definitely a new habit, and a useful one to remember for everyone, not just my dh.
That's a very good update Dilly. And good you have a kind of mental end-date in mind too - because even if your husband isn't acting in this way because of you, you are entitled to want a full relationship and he's entitled not to have the capacity to provide you with one, and at some point, if there's no progress, then maybe the best thing to do is walk away. I don't think you're there yet though, and it is good he is initiating contact with you and you're making changes in your communication you're pleased with for your own sake, and not just with your marriage.
Yes, you're so right. I can't go through all this agony and not end up at least a better person out of it.
Today was weird, for the first time in 6 months it was like someone took my black and white life and turned the colour knob up (maybe you need to be a certain age to get that...) I went for a run along the beach and I was smiling at people and saying hello and listening to my music and feeling good even though it was windy. Now, this has happened plenty of times in the last 6 months, I love running and it has been my solace and my lifesaver, but for once my primary thoughts weren't about dh, even though he was sending me texts when I was out. That felt good! I just felt a deep sense that life is good, I will be ok no matter what and even though I love my dh and would dearly love for things to work out, that I will be ok without him if it comes to it. I was ok about seeing couples out holding hands, instead of thinking 'I wish that were me, why can't I have someone's hand to hold, I want that so badly' I was happy that they were happy and that I was out running.
Very strange. I hope it lasts, if this is detachment then I'm liking it. I'm sure there will be more dips on the road but for now, I like feeling more at peace.
i also had some banter going with dh via text today. I have this weird running joke where I take photos of something and he texted me about it, he must have been checking our photos. Then later he asked if I'd bought a new watch (mine broke) and I said no, so he asked what the money was for the jeweller (I bought a new wedding ring on Friday) and I said I was thinking about changing my look and what did he think about a nose ring. He was a bit non-plussed (maybe not sure if I was serious even?), but I thought it was hilarious, didn't tell him what it really was. I have definitely regained my sense of humour, so nice to have it back
