So I gave an ultimatum last week , give me a chance , but I will not continue if you sleep with other men . We agreed 2 weeks which expires Saturday. In some ways I regret it , but I will not continue trying whilst she sleeps with someone else . She responded that she didn’t know and didn’t want to give up her fling “ there’s nothing in it , it’s not like that “ really ? Anyway the downside of this is I guess she is free until then to what she likes even if she then throws me a further maybe line then . I understand in a way that she needs to see I have changed , she said this . But I cannot continue if she does so am considering pulling the plug if she does from now on . Any thoughts?
So an ultimatum means that you gave her a deadline. And that you will take some actions following the deadline. Otherwise your ultimatum will make you look weak. Which means she won't respect you. Which means she won't regain attraction to you.
I am not against ultimatums IF you are willing to follow through. However there are problems with them. For instance, a lot of times the behavior you are trying to control with the ultimatum (and yes it is a form of control) just goes deeper undercover. She doesn't stop the affair she just gets better about covering her tracks. Second, lots of of LBSs don't mean what they say, they just use it as a way to control their WAS. This NEVER works.
So if you really mean what you say, "If you don't end it with him this weekend, I will file for D on Monday." And then put parameters on it. a) I want to help you write and send a cease and desist message. b) I want full access to your phone for full transparency. c) I want GPS tracking enabled (lots of apps do this) so I know where you are at all times.
Likely the WAS will not agree to those and you will be filing for D on Monday. If you don't then it looks weak, etc. Most ultimatums backfire gloriously. So please consult with the board before pulling the trigger on things like ultimatums.
Originally Posted by Tryhard
Just an update , things went well , I validated her criticisms of my cooking techniques;) . Had a nice family meal at the table . Me and SD did most of the convos. It was good XF kept quiet . Just didn’t register or ask her anything and carried on enjoying it . Stripped wallpaper above a door that had been outstanding for a while . Was good to do something that took my mind off things . Did it as best I could and cleaned up afterwards. XF was hanging just out of site , so just carried on as if all was ok . Made her and myself a coffee , read part of a new book of inspirational quotes . Said goodnight and went to bed
Any plans for GAL activities?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve , I do kind of regret it . But at the end of the day , it is something I cannot cope with . It destroys me . I have to what is best for me otherwise I will be a wreck each time she goes . Any overnight stays away or such will be the end . When she said she couldn’t decide I said fine but tell me if you sleep with him ( I may have put it more crudely) she looked away and said yup in a strange way . I do trust her to be honest. If she is not then I don’t want to be with her . She did say the truth would come out in the end . So with my mind full time on this I did analyze her thought process in this . I don’t want it to be this way , but there will be consequences for any bad actions. I am just forcing myself to hold on until Sunday. I can stand limbo , but not with anyone else in the picture . Gym later for me after work
I at the clinic tomorrow, so my fear is she is just doing this to get me there then she can say she was the good one in all this and “fixed” me LOLOLOL it’s me fixing me
My ultimatum was no ******** other men . I don’t need to check phones or whereabouts. As I said if I am being lied to on this then there will be consequences, no me for a start . See if toyboy will support her , because I won’t .
Stbxf has left her bedroom door open last couple of nights . No taking cheeseless tunnels for me, done that 3 times , didn’t end well , I read that skin to skin contact could build intamacy, LOL how pathetic. No wonder I didn’t get what I hoped for . I guess it’s how long my love can stand being a gay bff . I have hope but it’s down to her . No more secret phone messaging that is obvious. Well I ain’t no fool . She is a big girl , don’t choose me fine . I will be hurt for a week 2 a month or two , but I will make a great life and can’t wait , she has the option of coming for the ride , if not I will do it on my own .
Well I ain’t no fool . She is a big girl , don’t choose me fine . I will be hurt for a week 2 a month or two , but I will make a great life and can’t wait , she has the option of coming for the ride , if not I will do it on my own .
I think maybe you've lost sight of why you ended up here. You're making it sound like she's making a huge mistake by missing out on you, but let's look back at your first post:
"1 year ago I checked out of my relationship with my woman ."
" I moved into the spare room and became increasingly detached from the world"
"I had a drink problem that got worse over time"
"I am due to meet the dependency clinic on Thursday"
"So for a year I have put this wonderful woman through hell and it is breaking my heart"
"She reached out to me many times in the year from hell , but in the end I pushed her away"
It's great that you were so honest and forthright about your issues, but your last several posts make it sound like you think you are perfect and it's up to her whether to take it or leave it. Step one of DB'ing- OWN YOUR PROBLEMS. Step two of DB'ing- DO 180's ON YOUR PROBLEMS. You are broken, and you need to work on you and become whole again. Your relationship needs to go on the back burner while you rebuild your life and become attractive again. So rather than focusing on whether she left her door open or not, or if she's seeing "toyboy" how about telling us what you are doing to become the best man you can be and overcome your problems.
Well I ain’t no fool . She is a big girl , don’t choose me fine . I will be hurt for a week 2 a month or two , but I will make a great life and can’t wait , she has the option of coming for the ride , if not I will do it on my own .
I think maybe you've lost sight of why you ended up here. You're making it sound like she's making a huge mistake by missing out on you, but let's look back at your first post:
"1 year ago I checked out of my relationship with my woman ."
" I moved into the spare room and became increasingly detached from the world"
"I had a drink problem that got worse over time"
"I am due to meet the dependency clinic on Thursday"
"So for a year I have put this wonderful woman through hell and it is breaking my heart"
"She reached out to me many times in the year from hell , but in the end I pushed her away"
It's great that you were so honest and forthright about your issues, but your last several posts make it sound like you think you are perfect and it's up to her whether to take it or leave it. Step one of DB'ing- OWN YOUR PROBLEMS. Step two of DB'ing- DO 180's ON YOUR PROBLEMS. You are broken, and you need to work on you and become whole again. Your relationship needs to go on the back burner while you rebuild your life and become attractive again. So rather than focusing on whether she left her door open or not, or if she's seeing "toyboy" how about telling us what you are doing to become the best man you can be and overcome your problems.
THIS^^^^^^^
Go read what I just wrote to AnthonyA. Tryhard, those that focus on OM are doomed to a crash burn failure of epic proportions. OM are not your problem!! Her heart is. Even if she stays away from OM, if her heart is far away then it doesn't matter. Fixating on OM, obsessing about it, and issuing toothless ultimatums are NOT attractive.....at all! It makes you look weak, whiny, and needy. The exact opposite of what you need to be to her right now. Do the 180s on yourself as AS says. GAL like a madman. This shows you are going to go on living no matter what she decides (much stronger than weak, whiny and needy!). And then detach. Her actions, with or without OM, SHOULD have no emotional impact on you whatsoever. I know that is easier said than done, but until you get there you will be viewed by her as a weak, whiny, needy snooper. Would that be attractive to you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks , the problem is I cannot face the pain . I have been through hell . I will do my best , if it means that she goes then I will have to live with that . I cannot be the bff when she is sleeping with someone else . I have to protect myself , take the hit and move on . I’m a good guy , not perfect but I will be fine . It will be a new life and in a couple of years I am sure things will be good . I will take in what you have said though and appreciate the support
